“I remember.”
“I don’t regret it. We did something terrible. I still think about that night and see his face—” She stopped and took a deep breath. She never spoke the name of the man she murdered with Jarrod’s help. “It changed me. Broke something, but healed something, too. And I guess I want to say that sometimes things are hard, and wrong, and fucked up, but maybe you need wrong and hard and fucked up to survive. If that’s what you’re going through with Calvin, then don’t stop.”
I smiled and bit my lip to keep the tremble from my voice. “You’re a good friend.”
“Just speaking the truth. And anyway, Calvin’s not so bad. You could have a worse husband.”
“Thanks, I think.”
“Be careful, and don’t get caught.” She grinned at me, though I saw the haunted silence behind her gaze. She hopped out and went into the trailer.
I thought about her words on the way home. Was my situation the same? Was I looking for something in this relationship with Calvin? I thought it was straightforward—nothing more than a business deal. He’d kill my father and I’d help him get control of the Solar family.
It’d become more than that. The ring, the sex. His lips and voice and tongue. It suffused me with a warmth I dreamed about, but never thought would be mine.
It was that warmth I craved.
The feeling of adoration. Calvin’s obsession was like a blanket. I wanted him to wrap me in worship and make me feel like a goddess.
It was similar to the feeling I got when Addler and Des joked around. But that was a weak version. Friendship, acceptance.
Calvin made all that pale in comparison to the heat of his attention.
I wanted him and needed it. I craved so much more.
And I knew Calvin would give me as much as I wanted, if only I’d stop resisting and admit—
I slowed as I pulled up toward my house. Two men sat in a car parked across the street. I recognized them instantly. They were soldiers from the Solar family, men that worked for Matthias. I’d last seen them in Latvia.
They nodded and smoked cigarettes as I pulled into the driveway.
So I was being protected still. I didn’t know if that should comfort me or not.
I went inside. My mother was wrapped in blankets sipping tea in front of the television. “I’m home,” I called out, dropped my stuff near the table, and started on dinner.
Mom drifted into the kitchen. I looked up, surprised. She held her mug in both hands and smiled as she sat down.
“Don’t think I hadn’t noticed that ring.” She nodded at my finger.
I held it up. “Hard to miss.”
“It’s serious with this guy then?”
“We got married.”
“Oh.” She sipped her tea. “That’s nice.”
The old Mom would’ve yelled at me, or had some pithy comment, or done something. But my new Mom only sat and watched me with lidded eyes and a glazed smile.
“You met his mom. Remember? Diana?”
“Yes, of course. Very nice woman. Very proper.”
“That’s the sort of family he’s from.”
“Rich. Country club people.” She laughed gently and put the mug down. “I thought I married up.”
“Really?” My mom didn’t talk about Dad very often and I listened intently. “Where did you meet?”
“Through a mutual friend. Your father was so handsome back then. I’m sure you can’t imagine, but it’s true. Everyone wanted him, and he wanted me. I couldn’t say no.”
I understood how that felt. “What happened?”
“The usual. We went out on some dates. He proposed to me after three weeks.”
I gaped, mouth open. “Three weeks? I never knew that.”
“We don’t talk about it much. Back then it was romantic, but now? People think we’re crazy.”
I thought she was crazy, but I couldn’t judge. I’d done worse, much worse.
“Do you ever look back and regret it?”
She shook her head. Her eyes sharpened somewhat. “No, never. There were bad years. Lots of bad years. But it gave me you.”
I felt tears pull at my throat and had to look down at my feet. “I love you, Mom. Even though I’m still really mad at you.”
“I know, sweetie. I’m really mad at myself. I don’t think you’ll ever forgive me, and that’s okay. If I ever pull myself together, it’ll be for you.”
My hands balled into fists. Where was this mother when my father was beating me senseless? Where was this woman when I needed her the most?
She was nowhere, but she was here now, at least some part of her.
“I’m trying, okay? I’m working on it. I think that’s the best I can do right now.”
She smiled and nodded. “I know. I guess I should say congratulations, but I’m not sure I want to.”
“Why not?”
“I heard what that woman said to you. How much money she offered.” Mom got to her feet as I stood there locked in horror. She’d been listening? She heard? What could she think? “Forget about the boy, sweetie. Take the cash. Boys bring nothing but trouble. Money always loves you.” She smiled and drifted back into the living room.