I can't abandon Kassam. Carly, the great un-finisher, is finally going to finish something. God, my mother would be proud.
I choke on a sob. My mother. I don't know if I'll ever see her again. More than anything, I want to hug her in this moment, more than anything. I want to tell her that I love her and that she's amazing and my best friend. I want to tell her that she's strong, and smart, and beautiful, and my father was a liar. That she deserved better. But Ma is strong and can handle herself.
Kassam needs me. "I have to stay."
"You realize—"
"I know," I say softly. "I know what it means. But Kassam needs this, and he needs me. I can't abandon him to save myself. Not when it could destroy him all over again." I manage a smile. "So I'm staying."
He gives me a thoughtful look, his strong features somber. Finally, he nods. "It is a brave choice. A foolish one, perhaps, but I am glad for Kassam that he has such a friend at his side." The death god studies me for a moment longer. "If you do end up in my realm, know that there will be a place for you. My anchor—my Max—would see you are taken care of." Warmth edges into his deep, unearthly voice. "You need not fear death. It will be kind to you."
"Thank you." I suspect it's not an offer that's made often, if ever. "Something tells me we'll be seeing each other soon."
"Have Faith," he says.
Then, a hard jolt shifts through my body, and I awaken with a gasp, sucking in deep lungfuls of air. I'm no longer in a starless void, I realize. I'm in my room in Chandrilhar. I'm in bed. I touch the stitches between my breasts.
I'm still the living dead.
"Carly?" Kassam calls my voice from across the room, and I look over at him. His normally laughing face seems to be lined with worry, and he brushes an eagle off his shoulder and gets to his feet. "What's wrong?"
I scrub a hand over my face, fighting the urge to cry. "Nothing. It's okay." I know if I explain to him that I just had a dream in which I talked with Death, he'd understand it. Hell, he'd probably ask me to send a message along to an old pal the next time I sleep. If anyone would get it, it's Kassam. But I don't want to tell him about what Death said to me. That I'm risking my life if I stay, because my thread might be too frayed for me to recover from. Kassam would bluster and insist I go home. That he'd figure it out somehow without me.
He'd be lying. He needs me at his side. Needs me to support this quest for vengeance. It's not about Seth, or about a pissing war for a spot amongst the gods. It's about a thousand years of pain, of being forgotten, and how that's the worst thing that can be done to someone who relies on the worship of others. It's about making sure that Riekki doesn't do that to anyone else. It's about making sure Kassam returns to his rightful spot amongst the heavens, for the people that have waited so long for him to return.
It's more than one silly mortal life, even if it is mine.
"Are you well, little light?" Kassam asks, holding a hand out to me. At his side, one of the conmac sits up, giving me another one of those watchful stares.
"Can I have a hug?" I ask hoarsely, getting to my feet and moving toward him.
He pulls me forward, tugging me into his arms and seating me on his lap. His big arms go around me and I lean against him, and the urge to cry fades slowly. Strangely enough, I feel like I'm home.
43
It feels as if the entire city has decided to send us off at the crack of dawn. I'm surprised when we emerge from the palace with trunks of supplies, only to be greeted by the cheering of a thousand voices. People crowd the streets, crying out Kassam's name, and he waves at them. I half-expect him to surge forward and hang out with the crowd, but instead, he moves closer to me, tucking my cloak carefully around my face. "Can you walk, little light?"
I nod, holding onto his arm. It's weird—I feel as strong as ever, but…hollow. Brittle. Like a strong gust of wind will blow me away. It's almost like my body has turned into a house of cards, ready to topple at any moment. I still haven't eaten, or slept, and though my mouth is dry, I'm not thirsty, either.
I also haven't felt the pull of Kassam's hedonism. That worries me more than eating or drinking. Does that mean our bond is severed? Or is it just muted? I decide it must be muted, since Kassam is still here.