I watched him silently, which I shamelessly did a lot. A lot.
God, I wished I would have told him how I felt so long ago. At least I would have had more time to fix things if it would have caused problems. Yet with life, it always seemed like the timing wasn’t right, like there were just more important things that I needed to be focused on. Then of course the whole “don’t cross any lines”.
But now it was clear I’d run out of time, at least for the next twelve months.
Jameson had become an M.D. four years ago. After his residency at the local hospital, he then focused on wanting to do the whole Doctors Without Borders route. He was a healer in every sense of the word.
I couldn’t actually pinpoint when it happened—when I realized that I was in love with him. I just knew that one day I looked at Jameson and something had sparked, surged, opened up, then caved in.
I felt like these emotions had always been buried deep down, and they’d stayed that way as some kind of defense mechanism. Protection, maybe?
But there was no ignoring them.
I breathed out as I remembered that day I fully realized what I felt for Jameson, and that it consumed me.
I stared into his blue eyes, ones that reminded me of the Caribbean. I couldn’t breathe all of the sudden.
“Are you okay?”
I blinked a few times, Jameson’s deep voice breaking through my shock. I rubbed my hands up and down my thighs, then transferred one of them to my chest, rubbing slow circles over my heart. I tried to gather my self-control, but was pretty sure I failed. I could feel him watching me, practically felt his curiosity and concern reaching out to me.
I felt like the world had just opened up and nearly swallowed me whole because of what I knew was the absolute truth in my heart.
That I was in love with him.
I was in love with my best friend.
That realization would’ve knocked me on my ass if I wasn’t already sitting down.
“I’m fine,” I murmured, waving off the situation because I was so damn confused and shocked and couldn’t form any more words than that.
Please don’t let him press. Please don’t let Jameson figure it out because the result could be disastrous.
I was pulled back to the present, realizing I must’ve been standing here thinking about that moment in time for a while because Jameson was grabbing the last two bottles on the kitchen counter and facing me, this expectant look on his face.
“Thought I lost you in thought there for a minute.”
I gave him a smile but I knew it probably looked forced as hell. “What, ugh, what’s going on with the bottles?” I gestured to the two in his hands.
He lifted them up. “I figured we might as well put them out in the living room, since that’s where we'll be drinking. I don’t want to have to be coming in and out to do a refill, especially if I am good and drunk.” He gave me a grin, then gestured toward the tiny living room for me to follow. And I did, on shaky legs and knees that threatened to buckle under me.
But I managed to follow him out, and prayed—prayed like hell—that tonight could just be normal. Because my fear was getting a little too loose in the lips and spilling my deepest secret that I was in love with him.
2
Jameson
I knew I should have taken it easy tonight, but in my head this had all sounded like a good idea.
Get drunk with Lia.
Don’t worry about the fact I was leaving for the next twelve months.
Don’t let the thoughts that I couldn’t even contact her because I would be moving around so much, and in areas so impoverished there was hardly any food to go around let alone medical intervention.
But as I tossed back another shot despite being pretty drunk, it was really fucking clear this was a bad idea.
All around.
There was a movie playing on the TV, but I couldn’t tell anyone what the fuck it was about. I was too focused on Lia, staring at her profile, memorizing it over and over again because it would be what would get me through the next year. Yeah, this had been my choice to go across the ocean to help those in need, to heal and protect, to try and make the world a little better for someone, but it was all because of the goal to come full-circle and be the man Lia deserved.
I wanted to be wholly good, wanted to have this moment in time under my belt so that when I came back home I could start my own business, do non-profit work, and donate my time, show Lia that I was the perfect man for her.