A year was a lifetime away.
Twelve months away from the man I was in love with would be the most painful time in my life.
But I’d wait for him. I’d wait a lifetime--eternity--for him. He may not know that, but it was the truth, and when he came back I was telling him everything.
I was going to bare my soul.
6
Lia
Six weeks later
The same thought had been running around in my head for hours upon hours. The thought had first struck me in the shower, then refused to leave. For what felt like the tenth time, I did the mental math, even lifting my hand and counting off. I felt my brows lower, and sat up, running a hand over my no doubt wild, dark and damp strands, pushing them out of my face, and trying in vain to not freak out.
My period was late.
I checked the clock, realizing I hadn’t slept at all, but now it was late enough something would be open. Hell, I probably could have driven all the way out to the next town over and gone to one of the open-all-night stores, but I’d been trying to talk myself down from this proverbial ledge of fear.
I got up, got dressed, did the whole brushing my teeth and hair and getting ready for the day, but I felt like I was under water, wading through thick sludge, my mind not my own right now.
Was I pregnant?
I placed a hand on my otherwise flat belly, looking down, wondering if there was a little person growing in there, a little piece of me and Jameson.
I felt sick at that moment, knowing that if I was pregnant I had no way to contact Jameson and tell him. And it wasn’t like I could contact his family. They hadn’t had anything to do with him for so long they weren’t even a blip on his radar anymore. And I had no family, no real friends to talk to about this aside from Jameson.
I braced my hands on the bathroom counter and just breathed.
What if. What if. What if.
An hour later and I was right back in my bathroom, the outdated interior especially a nuisance in this moment. The linoleum was a nasty yellow color, the counters this cheap Formica that had the edges peeling up from the glue coming undone. There were these golden veins running through it, as if they tried to make it look fancier than it ever could.
I straightened and breathed out slowly, refusing to look at that pregnancy test that sat on the counter just to my right.
I’d done the whole pee on it about two minutes ago, and as I picked up the insert, re-read the instructions for the fifth time, I knew I had about another minute to wait for the little digital readout to tell me my fate.
I turned my back to the mirror, not wanting to look at myself, not wanting to see how scared shitless I was. I tapped my foot, crossed my arms and uncrossed them, bit my lower lip, and only when I knew it was well past the three-minute mark did I turn around with closed eyes, my head downcast toward the stick, and told myself it would be okay.
It will... right?
P R E G N A N T
I didn’t know if I was reading that, well, that wasn’t true. I read it just fine, but my brain couldn’t comprehend what I was looking at.
Pregnant. With a baby. Jameson’s child.
Knocked up by my best friend who had no idea how in love I was with him.
I closed my eyes and felt tears start to threaten. It wasn’t even the fear of having a baby. A part of me felt warm at the thought of carrying Jameson’s child. No, I was terrified because I had no way to tell Jameson any of this. I had no family to lean on, no friends to talk to. I was truly alone, at least for the next year, until Jameson came back and I dropped this life-altering bomb in his lap.
I looked at myself in the mirror now, the woman staring back at me having a too pale face, wide eyes, and bags under them because sleep had been nonexistent last night. “I can do this,” I whispered to my reflection just as a tear slid down my cheek. I angrily wiped it away. “It’ll be okay,” I said with a little more strength, or I thought I did.
I placed my hand on my belly and looked down at my flat stomach, this amazement and wonder breaking through the uncertainty and fear.
A baby. Inside of me.
And amidst all the fear that consumed me, I felt a glimmer of happiness, a light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. Jameson would be shocked, just like me, but I knew him as well as I knew myself. He’d stand by my side even if he wasn’t in love with me. He wouldn’t leave me. Never.