He shrugged. “You had work, and it was halfway around the world. I understood.”
“Still, sometimes I think back on my life and …” She trailed off.
“And what?”
“Oh, don’t mind me.” She waved her hand and smiled. “I’m just feeling old and maudlin today.”
“No, tell me.”
She looked at him and Luke could see the sadness in her eyes. He knew she missed his father. She’d never remarried and as far as Luke knew, she didn’t date. She tucked a lock of brown hair behind her ear. “Sometimes I think back on things I didn’t do because I was too busy, or too tired, or too whatever. Too scared, sometimes. And when you get older, you realize that life only gives you so many opportunities.”
“Mom, you’re talking like you’ve got one foot in the grave.” Suddenly his heart skipped a beat. “You’re not…you’re not sick?”
She laughed genuinely. “No, no. Nothing like that. Just a bit melancholy.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure.” She patted his hand. “You always were a worrier, even when you were a little boy. And you still are.”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
Onscreen, the camera cut to Nik in the crowd, on his feet, clapping for Luke as he took the second set. Watching him, Luke suddenly felt a wave of loneliness. Nik had been gone for so long now, and Luke didn’t think he’d ever be able to think of him without feeling a tug of emotion. However, it was the past.
Now he longed for Jesse. For the present, for the future that could have been. Jesse was so close, but out of reach.
“What do you think Nik would say if he were here?”
Luke jolted out of his thoughts. “What?”
“Do you think he’d like to see you so unhappy? Hiding from the world?”
“He would understand, Mom. He always did. He knew we had to keep our relationship a secret. He agreed with me.” Luke jumped to his feet and clicked the TV off. “Is that why you’re here? To give me a guilt trip?”
“Honey, I’m here because I don’t want you to make the biggest mistake of your life.”
“What’s that, exactly?”
Stephanie sighed and got to her feet. “I understand why you’re afraid. Nevertheless, I think Jesse’s right. It’s time to be honest—with yourself, with your friends, with everyone. Living your life in secret, always looking over your shoulder waiting for disaster…that’s no way to live.”
“And how exactly do you know what Jesse thinks? I don’t remember discussing it with you.”
“No, you didn’t. So I discussed it with him myself.”
“You what?” Luke fumed. “How dare you go behind my back.”
“You didn’t leave me much choice. I tried to get you to open up, to listen to other points of view, but you’re stubborn to the end, Luke. So I went to see him. He really is a lovely young man, you know.”
“Thanks for the memo, Mom. I don’t need you to tell me anything about Jesse.”
“Well, maybe you do! He loves you, and I think he’s hoping that you’ll come to your senses and see that there is another way. The only one keeping you in the closet is you.”
“Right,” Luke spat. “There’s no more homophobia in the world and if I come out, the world will just accept me with open arms while they wave little rainbow flags. With hearts on them.”
“I know you’re angry. I know that the world isn’t a perfect place. However, are you really willing to give up the person who made you happy for the first time in years? Just because you’re afraid of what others might think?”
“I told Mike, and now I barely see him. He said it didn’t change anything, but it does, Mom. It does.”
“Maybe he just needs time to adjust. You have to be patient.”
“Mom, it’s more than just that.” Luke ran his hand through his hair. Why couldn’t she understand? “It’s about my livelihood. The only endorsements I’d have if I came out would be for gay products. I’d be that gay tennis player. I’d lose a hell of a lot of money.”
“You’ve already made more than enough money. Yes, you’re right; you would be the gay tennis player.” She moved forward a step and took his hand between her own. “But you’d be the gay tennis player who won four Grand Slams—and maybe more, your career isn’t quite over yet. You’d still be a champion, Luke.”
“Yeah, and what about Jesse? He’s just getting started, and I won’t be around to …” He shook his head. “Forget it.”
“To protect him? Maybe he doesn’t need your protection, Luke. Maybe all he wants is to live his life in the open. With you.”
“You make it sound so easy.” He let her hold his hand, even though he wanted to pull away.
“No, it isn’t easy. Not many things in life are. Not the things that matter, anyway. Is it easy to lose Jesse?”