But he’d never been attracted to women, and it had proved impossible to compartmentalize his attraction for men, or his love and affection for them. Logan apparently only felt those kinds of tender feelings for women, and who was Seth to question that?
Logan did say he’d topped men occasionally. What would it be like? Seth shuddered, boldly touching himself, trying to push aside the automatic guilt that flared. Was it really less of a sin to have sex when you were in love? Why shouldn’t he be able to fantasize?
Taking a deep breath, he let his mind go, letting the explicit words flow, along with matching images.
What would it be like to have his cock in my ass? He’s nice and thick. He’d stretch me open, pound into me, fuck me so good—the way I need it.
Seth’s breath caught as he jerked himself hard, already splattering the gray granite tiles white as he imagined Logan coming inside him, whispering deliciously filthy things in his ear.
As the guilt threatened to return, he shoved it away. He murmured, “Why shouldn’t I feel good? Why shouldn’t I enjoy sex? I don’t have to be in love to get off. Why would God have made orgasms if we weren’t supposed to use them? Have them. Whatever.”
He laughed derisively and shut off the water. “I really do talk to myself too much.”
On the fuzzy bathmat, he rubbed his head with a towel. It was fortunate that he’d masturbated and taken the edge off. He needed to keep his cool around Logan and remember that the sex was only about physical pleasure. Logan did those things with strangers and didn’t have any feelings involved. That’s what it was supposed to be.
Yes, Seth was going to conquer his fear and stop making sex such a big deal. He was on the other side of the river. Maybe he should install Grindr on his phone and hook up with some random guy.
But he shuddered unpleasantly at the thought, reaching for his bathrobe and tying the belt tightly around his waist. Although he’d only known Logan less than a week, he trusted him—unlike the unknown men he might meet online.
Taking that bold step and kneeling between Logan’s legs to suck him had been terrifying—and exhilarating since Logan had made him feel safe.
Just as he had standing on the street in Saratoga Springs, big and strong at Seth’s side, helping him face Brandon and the others. Of course Logan was only being kind—only holding up his end of their deal for a fake relationship—yet his support had felt genuine.
Maybe it was his friendship with Jenna that allowed Seth to trust her brother so quickly. Yes, they had an arrangement, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be genuine friends. Seth had seen Logan vulnerable and shaking in the garage when he’d exerted himself too much, and he’d shown Logan his own vulnerability.
You can only be friends. You’re not allowed to want more.
He wiped condensation from the mirror and picked up his electric razor, staring at his reflection. He looked the same as he did every morning, and he laughed at himself softly. Had he expected to look different? He and Logan had shared orgasms, but that was all.
Logan was sleeping on the couch as he had every other night since he’d moved in. Temporarily moved in. Nothing had changed between them, no matter how much Seth had wanted to bring him up to bed and sleep naked together, touch him from head to toe, rub against his hairy body and muscles. Kiss him for hours.
They had a deal, and that wasn’t part of it. Seth wasn’t allowed to fall for Logan. This was only pretend. He nodded to his reflection.
No ifs, ands, or buts.
He dressed, his pants enjoyably warm from the trouser press in the corner of his room. He chose a dark tie with a subtle purple diamond pattern and surveyed himself in the closet-door mirror.
After fiddling with his hair, he realized he was acting like he was going on a date or something, not to the office. Yes, Logan was downstairs. No, Seth didn’t have to impress him with the sharpness of the crease in his pants.
The coffee maker had started brewing automatically, and Seth inhaled gratefully as he went downstairs and rounded the corner of the sitting room. He stumbled to a halt, blinking at Logan standing there by the fridge. Shirtless. Thank goodness he was wearing track pants, although now that Seth knew what his cock looked—and tasted like—he could imagine it so easily…
“Morning!” Seth said too cheerily and loudly.
Logan leaned a hip against the counter. “Morning.” A mug in one hand, he smiled tightly. “Hope it’s okay that I helped myself.”
“Of course! Make yourself completely at home.” Seth stood there across the island, trying to think of something else to say. He came up completely blank. Logan looked back at him, and an awkward silence built until Logan turned away.