“As long as they want it to be, I believe. I was on that frigate eight years.”
“How did you get away?”
“We had a new captain. He was intolerable. Cruel and impervious to reason, and there are no votes on navy ships. Several of us conspired to desert. We decided that even if we ended up hung from the yardarm, it would be preferable.”
“Did you ever go back to Plymouth?”
“Couldn’t. As a deserter, it was too risky. Besides, my family would have been strangers. They still would be. I think it would be worse, to see them now and be utterly unknown to each other.” He quelled a shudder.
“So then you became a privateer?”
“Yes. I assumed a new identity and made my way to the New World. Found work aboard a privateer ship as a rigger and lookout. Worked my way up to boatswain. At least I had learned much in the navy. Eventually I won my own ship and hired a crew.”
“What Christian name did you use as a privateer? Surely you weren’t simply Hawk.”
His heart clenched. Tonight he was poking at that old wound like he was loosening a tooth, and the name caught in his throat. “John.”
It was an exceedingly common name—one he’d seen and uttered many times. Yet this was the first time he’d said it and meant his John. And Nathaniel seemed to know somehow.
“Who was he?”
And somehow, Hawk answered. “A friend. More than. He was pressed aboard the frigate as well. We were both young. He… He died in battle.”
“I’m so sorry. Did you and he…”
“Yes. Strictly forbidden in the navy, but of course it happened. I think for many it was a matter of circumstance. Trapped at sea with other men for months on end, it came down to practicality. Most men needed release.”
“But for you, it was more?”
Swallowing hard, he thought of John’s breathy whimpers in his ear, his hands urging. “Yes.” His time with John was so brief, hardly more than a blink when the hours of Hawk’s life would be tallied.
What will Nathaniel amount to?
“And you never felt shame for it?” he asked. “For being a sinner?”
Hawk smirked. “I’m a sinner in many ways. It never bothered me. My father once told me that to fight against nature was a losing battle every time. Of course he was talking about how much bloody rain we got one winter. Still, his words rang true.”
Nathaniel frowned. “You don’t think it unnatural? What we do together?”
“How can it be? It occurs in animals as well. There were always a number of rams on the farm who wouldn’t have anything to do with the ewes. They’d only mount each other.”
“Really?” A grin brightened sweet face. “That’s wonderful. Perhaps it all makes a curious sort of sense.”
He curled a lock of Nathaniel’s hair around his finger. “Indeed.”
“Tell me more about how John Hawk, legal privateer, became a captain of his own ship. You said there was a wager involved? And later you transformed into not only a mere pirate, but a king amongst them. How exactly?”
He scoffed. “I’m no king. I’ve managed to cultivate a reputation, but I believe I’ve told you much of that has to do with planting the right stories in the right gullible ears in the right ports.”
Nathaniel murmured, “Answer the questions anyway.”
Although he was supposed to be the one giving orders, Hawk obeyed. “I got lucky one night playing at cards in Port Royal. A fool bet this ship. Thus, I became a captain. The Admiralty in Jamaica didn’t look too closely into my details. The Crown was in great need of privateers to help battle the Spanish in the West Indies.”
“So John Hawk was awarded a letter of marque and reprisal.”
“Yes. I was authorized to capture enemy ships and bring them before the Admiralty Court. The Crown took a share of the prizes. It was regulated. Honorable, even. At least it seemed so to me. I was eager to serve my country.”
He shook his head, remembering the strange sense of pride it gave him to be valued. “I don’t know why, given what she’s done to me and others. Kidnapped her own men in the night, and worse than that, built the New World on the backs of slaves. Yet I still wanted to prove myself worthy.”
Nathaniel’s sleepy smile was rueful. “I certainly understand the sentiment.” He slid even closer, nuzzling Hawk’s throat. “I take great pride in pleasing you. Proving myself.”
Despite being directly compared to England and her depravity, warmth spread through Hawk’s chest, and he carded his fingers through Nathaniel’s hair. He was on such dangerous ground, supposedly the one in control yet helpless to disentangle himself, Nathaniel safe in his arms as if he belonged there.
“Then my father claimed you’d broken regulations and hadn’t treated the Spanish captain properly,” Nathaniel murmured. “He could just strip you of your letter of marque without a hearing?”