“Darling?” Susanna asked. “Are you feeling unwell?”
“No. Fine.” Is he safe now?
She pressed her hand to his forehead. “Are you certain? You were trembling.”
“I’m sure. I… I was thinking of the future.”
Susanna squeezed his shoulder. “There’s no reason to worry. Father always lands on his feet, and…” She sighed. “Well, you heard Bart. It seems we very well might have another avenue open to us. We shall make the best of it. Mr. Davenport will see you and Elizabeth well settled.” She frowned at his silence. “What is it?”
“Elizabeth. I can’t marry her.”
Susanna stared in clear shock. “Surely you don’t find her lacking? She has been so steadfast. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, since you’ve only just met her, really. But when you spend more time with her, I’m certain—”
“It won’t matter. I cannot marry her. Susie, I don’t love her.”
She shook her head with affectionate exasperation. “Well, not yet. You’ve had no time together. Love will come, I’m sure of it.”
Nathaniel’s throat tightened, along with his chest. “It’s impossible.”
“Why on Earth is that?” Glancing to the door, she went and closed it firmly before returning to her chair and folding her hands. “She is a wonderful match. Practical, to be sure, what with her dowry, but I’ve grown to love her as a sister already. Truly, she is good and kind. And she possesses a certain…understated beauty.” Susanna’s brows drew together, her mouth turning down. “You’ve never struck me as a man whose head is turned overmuch by fancy faces. I hope you don’t mean to reject her on superficial grounds without taking the care to really know her.”
“It’s not that. She is quite pretty enough. I don’t care about that.”
“Then what is the issue? This has been planned for months. You are promised to each other. Our fathers have agreed.” She laughed. “It’s not as if you’re in love with someone else.”
His throat closed completely, and he had to turn his head away from Susanna’s sharp gaze.
Her fingers were firm on his chin. “Nathaniel!” She hissed, “What is this? Don’t tell me all those times you scampered away to fields and forest it was because you were meeting someone?” A gasp escaped her lips and she pressed a hand to her chest. “Are you pining? Do you have a secret sweetheart?”
“Please,” he whispered, barely holding the agony at bay. “I can’t tell you.” Hawk had left him, yet he couldn’t stop hearing his name finally tumble from Hawk’s lips. The way Hawk had clung to his fingers, the wild fear in his eyes, all artifice stripped before he allowed Nathaniel to be torn away.
“But you can. Of course you can. Anything, my dear. Tell me. Who is the lady?”
In whom could he confide if not Susanna? His breath stuttered. Without warning, he stood at the precipice. Outside, torrents of rain streamed down, and in the little windowless room they were as alone as they could be—perhaps as alone as they ever would be again.
His sister watched him with concern, her eyes imploring. Before he could talk himself out of it, he stripped away the last vestiges of the disguise he’d worn since they were children.
“There is no lady. I’m a sodomite.”
The words hung there as the wind keened. For a terrible moment, as Susanna stared with wide eyes, Nathaniel thought she would abandon him and pretend he’d never spoken at all. Then she sat back, her gaze going distant.
He could barely get her name out. “Susanna?”
“I should have known. I should have seen this. Perhaps I did.” She spoke absently, as if to herself.
He had to ask, although his stomach churned, fearing the answer. “I know it’s unnatural. A sin. Do you hate me?”
Her gaze snapped to his, and she bolted up straight. “What? Oh heavens. Never.” She gripped his hand. “Never. You are my brother.” Blinking back tears, she said, “More than that. We were always such good chums, weren’t we?”
Nathaniel could only nod, his throat too thick for words. He squeezed her fingers.
She swiped at her eyes with her free hand. “All right.” She nodded to herself, mind clearly working, digesting this revelation. “Yes. All right.” Her face creased. “Do you think it a sin? Does it feel like one? To…be the way you are?”
“Perhaps it should, but no. I don’t think it a sin anymore. I’ve accepted it now. I’ve been this way for almost as long as I can remember, and I wanted to tell you so many times.”
“Oh, Nathaniel. Surely you know I would never turn my back on you? Never.”
He clung to her hand. “I prayed you would not.”
“Certainly not. No, you are my brother, and well… This is a shock. But you are not an evildoer.”
“Still, it’s not only my mind that’s lacking. I’m not a normal man. I never shall be.”