Valor on the Move

Chris spoke up. “Ade, come on. This isn’t about ganging up on Mom.”

“Easy for you to say—you’re perfect,” Adriana snapped.

Chris sat back. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, come on.” She shook her head. “You’re their perfect firstborn son who can do no wrong.”

As Chris gestured defensively and opened his mouth, Hadley quieted him with a hand on his arm. “I think we should keep this discussion about Rafa.”

“Yes. Well said.” Camila squared her shoulders, and she didn’t hesitate this time. “When did you first think you were gay, Rafa?”

He fidgeted as all eyes swung back to him. “I don’t remember not knowing. It was like…I just knew it deep down. I didn’t really understand it, but I knew. And by sixth grade, I knew what it meant. And I knew it was me.” He watched his parents. “When did you first think I was gay?”

They glanced at each other. Ramon shifted uneasily on the couch. “From the time you were in junior high, I suppose. You had that friend. Bradley. You were very close.”

Rafa frowned. “Brad? Nothing ever happened with him.”

“Yes, but the way you looked at him…” Camila said. “You never looked at girls that way. You were different than your brothers.”

“Oh.” It was true that he’d had a huge crush on Brad Newton. The thought that his parents had noticed all those years ago made his stomach acidy.

“And you were going to tell us,” Ramon said. “After you started college?”

“I was building up to it.” Rafa glanced at Ashleigh. “Ash and I talked about it a lot. I was thinking Christmas holidays, but when I came home for Thanksgiving, you made that announcement about the bill. Constitutional marriage. Because my marriage wouldn’t be right in the eyes of the constitution. It wouldn’t be worthy. After that, I couldn’t tell you. Ash and I decided we’d fake it. At first it was just to avoid questions about why we weren’t dating anyone. Then we came up with our plan to wait until we graduated. It was easier to go under the radar as a couple. That’s…that’s what I tried to do pretty much all the time. Stay unnoticed.”

The silence in the room was thick and cloying in the air. “Under the radar,” Ramon repeated hollowly.

“Um, yeah.” Rafa kept his gaze on the table and the little delicate sandwiches without crusts. “Chris was one of the sexiest men alive and marrying Hadley. Matty was going for the Olympics, and Ade was…doing her thing. Making her own headlines. And Mom and Dad, you’ve obviously had a lot on your plate. I just…kept my head down. I tried to be good. To do everything right. That way…”

“What?” Camila asked tightly.

His throat felt raw. “That way none of you really noticed me. Thought much about me. That way you didn’t really see me.”

“I guess we didn’t,” Matthew said quietly. “And even if we did, we let you pretend nothing was wrong.”

“But Raf, like you said, you made that choice.” Chris motioned to Adriana. “We didn’t want to push you. It wasn’t because we didn’t care. Or because we wouldn’t have accepted that you were gay. We thought we were giving you the space you needed. The time.”

“I know. I made those choices to stay in the closet. I can’t blame any of you. But Dad…” Rafa closed his eyes, the remembered pain and humiliation washing over him. “Standing on that stage that night while you talked about taking away my rights, it just…” He forced himself to look at his parents. “It broke something in me. I’ve always been the awkward ugly one.” As a flurry of protests filled the air, he raised his hand. “Please let me say this.”

His heart pounded, and sweat gathered on his brow, but as he took a deep breath, Rafa felt strong enough to say the words for the first time. “That’s always how I felt. I was the zit-faced, too-skinny Chia Pet with braces. And when I went to college, I started to feel like maybe I could be someone else. But that night…” His breath was stuck in his lungs as he remembered curling up in bed in the dark. “I wanted to die.”

His mother gasped softly. “No, Rafael.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have actually killed myself or anything. But for the first time, I knew what it felt like to really want to give up.” He looked down at his hands, clasping his fingers together so tightly they were going numb. “Standing there smiling, with everyone watching, I’ve never felt so worthless. Like I wasn’t good enough to be your son. I wasn’t as good as Chris, and Ade, and Matty. I was different. And I’d never be who you wanted.” He sucked in a shuddering breath. “So I guess I did give up. I decided to hide, at least until college was done. Until the White House was done. Until I could run away. And in Australia I could be the real me, but I’d be so far away that if you didn’t love me, it wouldn’t hurt so badly.”