“It’s not… Not that kind of coward. More about my life. My choices. I could transfer to another park and have far more opportunities. Opportunities I deserve after all these years and training.”
“Why don’t you?”
“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? Instead I live up in my dad’s old cabin alone. I stay at a job where my ex is my boss and he and his movie star husband parade their new baby in front of me. And why? What do I think is going to change? I wouldn’t even want Brad back. But I’m still here because I’m afraid to leave. Montana is all I’ve ever known. I’ve barely even been out of the state except for driving up into Alberta over the Road to the Sun.”
“It’s beautiful here.”
“It is. But I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time.” As the words came out, Ben realized they were absolutely true. “I need to shift out of neutral. What am I afraid of?”
“I wish I could tell you. I’m afraid of everything.” Jason shifted with a little sucked-in breath.
“You okay?”
“Leg’s cramping. Need to turn over.”
Ben pulled back his arm as Jason squirmed around under the blanket, his breath gusting over Ben’s face as he settled facing him. Ben wanted to reach out again and touch, but he tucked his hands under his cheek. There didn’t seem to be any danger of Jason running off half-cocked and irrational, so there was no excuse to hold him close now.
He wished he could see his face, but the darkness was complete. “Jason, you’re one of the bravest men I’ve ever met. Hell, you’ve got to be brave to even think about raising a kid alone. At any age, let alone as a teenager.”
“I wasn’t brave. I was terrified.” He was silent for a long few moments, breathing softly. “Sometimes I can’t really remember what she looked like. Amy, I mean. Maggie’s mother. Like, I have pictures and stuff, but in my head, she’s all…faded.”
“I’m sorry.” Ben was dying to know more, but bit his tongue.
“We were best friends since middle school. She got a scholarship to my prep school, and she was on the swim team too. We did everything together.”
After a few moments of silence, Ben prompted him. “Including…”
Jason exhaled noisily. “I should have said no. But I was curious. Amy wanted to lose her virginity with someone she trusted, and she decided there was no one more qualified than me in the trust department. Even though I’d never had a girlfriend aside from Regina Potter in the second grade. Anyway. We used a condom, but I’m not sure I put it on right, or maybe it broke. I don’t know what went wrong. It was all so weird and awkward and over almost before it started. Of course she got pregnant.”
“That must have been a shock. What did your folks say?”
“To say I disappointed them would be an epic understatement. First, they wanted Amy to go away to have the baby and give it up so no one would find out. Offered to pay her as much as she wanted.”
“Wow.”
“Amy’s parents wouldn’t dream of it. Not that they were happy about the situation, but they accepted it, at least. They let me come over and be a part of everything. My parents barely even saw Maggie after she was born. They were so ashamed of me. They wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened.”
“I’m so sorry.” He itched to slide his arm over Jason’s shoulders, but kept his hands pinned under his cheek. He shouldn’t ask, but had to know. “What happened to Amy?”
“It was an accident. I went over to their house to be with Maggie for a few hours so Amy and her parents could go out for dinner. Her dad’s birthday. They got hit by a train at a level crossing. The police weren’t sure if the signal was faulty, or if Mr. Summers just didn’t see it somehow. Didn’t matter. Either way, they were dead. Amy lived for a few days, but she never woke up again.”
“God. That’s awful.” Saying he was sorry again seemed woefully inadequate.
“Maggie was only six months old.”
“I can’t even imagine what that was like. Before, you said your parents tried to take Maggie away from you?”
Jason’s voice was scraped raw. “First they did everything they could to convince me to give her up. Finally they decided it would be best if they raised her. They wanted to pretend Maggie was theirs, even though all their country club friends would know the truth. I’d just be her brother off at college. A stranger.”
“Must have been tempting though?” He added, “Because you were so young. I don’t mean…”
“I know. Yeah. For a minute, I guess. It would be a do-over. I’d get to be a kid again. But there was no way. Maggie was my daughter and I couldn’t pretend she wasn’t. I was all she had. I couldn’t leave her. To only see her at Christmas and in the summers, and give all the control to my parents? They said they wanted to raise her properly since I couldn’t. I was too young. I have a younger brother, and they said it would be perfect for him to have a sister.”