But I’m happy you were concerned about me.
“No, don’t be.” Jason shook his head ruefully. “I’m not sure what I thought could have happened. Pretty sure you didn’t run into a grizzly in the alley. I guess I’m just—” He waved his hands around. “Antsy. You know? I mean, you might have just gone home to your cabin. It’s not like you have to hang around here anymore.”
After hours spent with Brad and then the FBI, he’d come to the hotel for a shower, and he realized he hadn’t even considered going home.
Not without Jason and Maggie.
It was another crazy thought, but it resonated deeply, the chimes of a bell he was helpless to unring. He tried to smile and keep his cool, but the words came out low and earnest. “I don’t want to go anywhere if you and Maggie aren’t with me.”
Did I just say that out loud?
Jason stared with wide eyes, then licked his lips. Ben followed the movement, the urge to kiss and taste overwhelming. He itched to touch, to reassure himself that Jason really was okay and whole, that he was safe.
“I… Uh…” Jason stammered. “Did Agent Reardon find you after she was done with us?”
“Yes.” He tried to joke. “She has excellent attention to detail. Asked a lot of questions. How did it go with Maggie?”
“Okay, I guess. Maggie answered the questions, but she really didn’t want to. I mean, I get it, but I don’t want her to bottle it all up. I’d rather she have one of her tantrums, you know? I talked to the hospital shrink, and he said to give her some time, especially right now when it’s so fresh. She probably needs to process everything that happened herself first before she’s ready to talk.”
“That makes sense. How about you? I bet you could use some unbottling yourself.”
Jason’s small smile tugged at Ben’s heart. “I’m okay, but thank you. You were there for most of it, and… Thank you for that too. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I wanted to help.” Ben longed to breathe Jason in from head to toe. He wanted to show how much he cared, how much Jason could mean to him. How much he already did.
Ben wanted to love him.
Fidgeting, he shifted from foot to foot, his throat closing, fingers twitching. Emotion swelled and pushed through every pore.
This is insane. I hardly know him. We went through a traumatic experience together. I feel bonded to him, but it’s not real. It can’t be. Can it? I should get dressed and get my shit together.
Jason’s brows drew together as he stepped closer. “Are you okay?”
Brad’s voice echoed in Ben’s mind.
What are you waiting for?
“I want to touch you,” he blurted. “I want to kiss you and lick you and fuck you and hold you all night.” He motioned to the window. “Or all day.” He tried to laugh. “Whichever.”
Jaw dropped, Jason stared with wide eyes.
Ben scrubbed his face. “Oh, wow. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—this isn’t—you don’t…” He exhaled sharply. “I’m being incredibly inappropriate.”
“You… You really want that?” Jason asked. “Me?”
His body thrummed, hope buzzing through him. “I do. Yes.”
I want to get you on your hands and knees and pound your ass. I want you to ride me and come on my chest. I want to fuck your pretty mouth until my cum drips down your chin.
Slow down. Don’t scare the crap out of him.
Ben never engaged in cum play with hookups. It was too intimate in a way he didn’t really understand. He’d tried with Brad, but Brad had hated it, so it had remained in the realm of fantasy. Maybe Jason would hate it too, but Ben couldn’t deny that he was praying Jason wouldn’t mind—would even enjoy it. That was if he even wanted to have sex.
“But…” Jason shook his head. “I…”
“What?”
“But I’m not allowed!” Jason exclaimed. He dropped his gaze, cheeks flushing even darker. Staring at the carpet, he mumbled, “I want to be with you, but I can’t. I shouldn’t.”
Barely restraining himself from yelling, “For the love of God, why not?” and hauling Jason into his arms, Ben reached out and took his hand instead. “Okay. Because I’m a man?” Keeping his tone soft, he held on firmly, rubbing Jason’s knuckles gently with his thumb.
“No. Not really.” Jason opened his mouth and closed it again, clearly searching for words. He lifted his head. “I never really thought about it. Being…attracted to men. It was there, but I brushed it off. Told myself I liked looking at hot guys because I envied their bodies. It was all theoretical anyway. Because I’m not allowed to have…”
Ben softly asked, “What?”
“This. Any of it. I made my choice. I picked Maggie. I picked being a father. Everyone told me I wouldn’t be able to do it. I was too young. Teenagers are selfish, and I’d want too much for myself. I would never be able to sacrifice college and parties and dating. All that stuff. But I chose my baby, and I swore I’d prove everyone wrong. I’d prove that I didn’t need anything but her.”