We drove up the road and passed by the gate that Jett said must be the one. We took our time and looked over the place. Large, eight-foot stone walls surrounded the grounds, and there were two guards in small booths at the gate.
Hondo said, “Video cameras at each corner so they’ve got the top of the walls and the grounds covered.”
I drove beyond the walls and continued up the road for another minute, then stopped at a small overlook that gave a wide-open view of LA. Even with the smog, it was spectacular.
Hondo said, “I can go over this guardrail, work my way through the brush and around the side of the hill. I should be able to view the whole compound from there.”
“Okay,” I said, “But we need to get close, see what kind of firepower they’ve got on hand.”
Hondo said, “What are you thinking?”
I said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.”
**
I walked up to Berenko’s gate with my camera and began taking pictures. The guards hurried out of their booths and came to the gate. The tall one with the big biceps said, “Sir, I must ask you to move on.”
I grinned at him and walked to the gate, “Hey, you know Q, right? Boy, that is so awesome!” I stuck my hand between the bars and he took it out of reflex as I said, “Quentin Tarantino, man I can’t believe I’m at his house and meeting one of his personal friends. Wow, this is great!”
I pumped Big Biceps’ hand and grinned like an idiot as the other guard, who had pipe-stems for arms stepped closer to his co-worker. He said, “Tarantino doesn’t live here.”
I winked at him, “Hey, I know you have to say that, but I bought this map down in Hollywood and the guy said it was the most up to date one in town, showed where all the big stars lived.”
The big guy was trying to pull his hand back but I held on and pumped harder, “You know what I like best about his movies? The way he uses animals in them. He kills them by the hundreds so he can use the blood in his scenes for authenticity.”
As I finished talking, I reached into my windbreaker pocket and came out with a large squeeze bottle filled with red paint and I squirted both of them, really hosing them down and letting Big Biceps have a double dose in his face.
I jumped back from the gate and pumped my fists in the air and yelled, “Animal rights! S-P-C-A! PETA! PETA! Animal rights! S-P-C-A!”
They sputtered and wiped their faces and Big Biceps said to Pipe-Stems, “Open this gate!”
It opened and both of them came after me, but I ducked and dodged and ran into the compound and straight towards the mansion, screaming, “At-ti-ca! At-ti-ca! Let Bambi live!”
They chased me and I cut across the large manicured lawn to the house, zipping by a small, neat wooden shed that had lawn maintenance equipment stacked against the walls. I circled around it and almost tripped over a huge leaf blower that had an engine on it big enough to power a Cessna. They stayed after me and I ran them all over the grounds until armed men swarmed out of the house like ants out of an anthill. That was enough, and I cut for the gate, screaming, “Freee Willy!”
That’s when I noticed the gate was closed.
I stopped and put my hands on my head, then those two bastards tackled me and knocked me down on the grass. Big Biceps jerked me up to my feet and turned me toward him. There were a dozen men behind him and nobody was smiling.
I looked at my jeans, then back at him and said, “You know how hard it is to get grass stains out of pants? I’m gonna send you the cleaning bill for this!”
Big Biceps took a clumsy swing at my head and I leaned out of the way. He staggered a couple of steps past me, off balance.
I said, “Look, send Tarantino out here and I’ll give him our message.”
Pipe-Stems, all red faced and huffing said, “I told you…Tarantino doesn’t live here.”
I looked confused, “But the map showed this as his house.”
Big Biceps said, “I don’t care what some map showed you, Quentin Tarantino does-not-live-here.” The armed men behind him were grinning now, relaxing because there was no threat.
“Gosh, I feel so silly,” I took out my handkerchief and tried to wipe some of the red paint off him.
Big Biceps pushed my hand away, “Just…just get the hell out of here and don’t come back.”
“Jeeze, sorry for all the mess.” I walked to the gate and when it opened, I turned back and said, “Remember, vegetarianism is the right way to go.”
I walked down the street until I was out of sight, then I heard the GTO coming. Jett stopped and I hopped over the door into the passenger’s seat.