Slowly withdrawing, I help her into a sitting position and I don’t miss the wince as I do. “I’ve hurt you?”
“No. Think I need some sleep.”
I smile. “That is the plan, and no waking me in the middle of the night for my body,” I tease, kissing her waiting lips. “Sleep, Madison.” I kiss her forehead. “Let me tuck you in.”
After I’ve quickly dried us both, I help her into bed and spoon her from behind.
“Derek,” she whispers, “Just so you know, I love you with my body and soul.”
Tears hover close to the surface as I bend and kiss her shoulder.
I never once thought I’d fall in love again, after the loss of my wife, just over ten years ago now. But here I am, with the woman I love sleeping in my arms. She’s young and that does scare me, but I know between the two of us we’ll make it work.
THE END
Of If Only
51
Prologue
Seth
The moment I close the bedroom door behind me, my legs no longer hold my weight and I slide down the door, my ass thumping to the ground. My legs are bent up to my chest as I wrap my arms around them, my face buried in my knees. Silent tears stream from my eyes for the first time since I discovered what Paige was going through. I’ve kept my worry and fear locked inside of me and seeing Paige so broken tonight really was the last straw.
Nothing that I’ve helped Paige face so far had prepared me to see her break down after her cousins had left. I knew she’d been struggling to keep her composure during the trip to the hairdressers, which is why I’d hovered in the background. The moment they’d left, everything changed and she completely broke down in my arms. She cried about all her fears of not getting better, about never getting married and having children, about not seeing her family again. I had no idea anyone could hold so much inside of them, the way Paige had. I wanted to take all of her worries away, instead all I could do was hold her until she fell asleep. I won’t be leaving her tonight, but for now, I need a few minutes to get myself back in control.
My mother worries too, but about me, that maybe I’ve taken on more than I can handle with how sick Paige is. I know she wants me to go home, but I can’t. I want them to understand that I’m exactly where I need to be, which is by Paige’s side. I love her. She caught my eye way back when and no one else has since, and never will. Paige is it for me, and one day I’m going to tell her. I actually tell her all the time. I show her in the way I care for her. I’m not sure she realizes, or maybe she does and is too scared to acknowledge it. I know she gets embarrassed with how much she relies on me, but I ignore that. No matter where she’d gone to rest and get stronger, I’d be with her.
When I look at Paige, I see a beautiful and courageous woman who hasn’t given up on life. She’s changed and so have I, in ways I never imagined, but deep down I’m still the same guy who fell in love with Paige McKenzie two years ago. Her cousin would probably kill me if he became aware of the dreams I’ve had about her over those years—not all involved much clothing. In fact, the majority of them hadn’t.
Resting my head back against the door, I let my tears dry up and think about what she’s been through, knowing that today had taken its toll. It had to happen at some point. I’m just glad she wasn’t alone when it happened.
The hair loss only bothers me because I know how much it bothers Paige, otherwise I wouldn’t give a shit about it. She’s a beautiful woman whether she’s sick or not, which is why I’d fallen hard for her the moment I’d met her. Of course, her cousin, Dylan, who also happens to be my best friend, warned me away from her. He’d heard the rumors about me being a bit of a playboy with the ladies. It was all damn lies, spread by one girl who’d wanted more than what I offered.
The truth is I’m a damn saint, which is more than Dylan can say. Of course, I’d fooled around before meeting Paige, but as for doing the deed—not happened. Not that anyone would believe that, but there you have it.
I’m saving myself for Paige McKenzie.
52
Paige
5 months later
I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder when or if I’ll ever be the woman I was before I’d gotten sick. I’ve put some of the weight back on and my hair has started growing back silkier than it ever was, so I am happy about that and Seth certainly likes it. I hate seeing the large scar on my stomach where they’d operated to save my life, it’s a constant reminder that I will never have the family I’ve always wanted. I’ll never experience childbirth, or what it’s like to have a small voice say, ‘Mommy,’ and it makes me sad.
Inhaling and slowly exhaling, I move away from the mirror and slip the blue dress over my head, letting it fall softly down my body. I need to keep reminding myself that I’m alive, and so far, all of my blood work and scans have come back clear. I’d finished the intense chemo four months ago, much to my relief, and since then I’ve tried to get myself on the road to becoming healthy again. It isn’t easy, there are so many days when I struggle to get out of bed, but I do it anyway. I have Seth to thank for everything, and I’m not sure how to tell him just how much I appreciate everything he has done for me. He’s been with me every step of the way and now I’m on the recovery side of my illness, I’m afraid he’s going to leave and go back to the life he’d had before me.
Each day, I pray it isn’t our last together, but I know one day it will be. His parents won’t let him continue to be here with me, and I’ll have to go home to Lexington when that happens. I can’t blame them really and need to thank them for the time they’ve already allowed.
I really don’t want to be apart from Seth because over the six months we’ve been together, I’ve grown used to him, and I love seeing his face in the mornings. He has always been there for me, even when I was so sick that I couldn’t move. Not once has he left me, even when I know how upset he got at the illness eating away at me.
He’s my rock and I’m scared to death of him leaving me.
I love him.
That isn’t a new revelation, I was already halfway to being in love with him before I’d gotten sick, but afterwards, and seeing how much he cared for me, I fell the rest of the way. I’m just not sure what to do about it. I mean we’re still living together, but I don’t have the experience with boys to know how to move forward. I don’t know how to tell him that I want to be with him. Not because he’s familiar but because he’s inside of me and I don’t ever want him to leave.