“I’ve lost him,” I wail, and cry even harder.
After what feels like forever, my sobs start to ease as I try to pull myself back together.
My heartache isn’t just because I know I’ve lost Jace, it’s because he’s suffering. He’s going to have another demon to fight in his dreams, and that isn’t fair on anyone.
“I wish I could turn back the clock,” I mumble, and hiccup.
“Jace probably wishes that as well.” Dahlia squeezes my hand. “Why don’t you go and shower, and I’ll get a pot of coffee going.”
“Thank you.”
Dahlia means well, but right now, I need my own space, which is why I agree to a shower.
Feeling old as sin, I try to smile at Dahlia, who looks well put together considering she was woken by my call during the early hours of the morning.
“I’ll go shower, and get dressed…but, while I’m gone, will you call Ryder and ask how Jace is?”
She offers me a smile of sympathy. “I’ll do that.”
Not able to muster much enthusiasm for anything, I slowly walk into my bedroom, intending to continue to the shower. One glance at the bed has me crawling onto the side that Jace was on, curling into a ball, and letting my never-ending tears fall.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Jace
A week later and I can’t get the look of Savannah’s face out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see her tear stained face and relive what I did all over again.
More than anything, I want to be able to take away our pain and go back to how things were before, but that will never happen.
I miss her with every beat of my heart, her smile, her voice, the freckles over her delicate features, and the softness of her body against mine. Every little detail about her, I remember, and it’s like a shard of glass being twisted in my gut when I do.
We became complacent in our relationship, or rather, I did and thought that Savannah was holding the nightmares back, but how wrong was I?
It makes my heart heavy when I think about what I did to her. I know now that I hadn’t caused her physical pain when I’d been inside her and that she’d been pleasured, but that doesn’t make it right. She’s the woman I love, and it’s killed something inside me knowing how badly I treated her.
My nightmare, flashback, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, snuck up on me when I was at my happiest, and somewhere in the middle it changed to having Savannah naked, beneath me. In my dream state, I’d been rough with her, a lot rougher than I’d ever be with her, or anyone, in real life.
No matter how we ended up the way we did, there is no excuse and I’m struggling to understand how Savannah can send me daily messages telling me she loves me. That’s all they say.
I love you ~ S x.
Those words cause my eyes to burn with love and remorse, and it’s because of her words that I’m leaving town.
There is a clinic run by a former marine who since his tour in Iraq, has turned his pain and experience into helping others. The guy, Mitchell Roberts, has a brother named Danny, who Ryder served with, and it’s through him that I now have a cabin at his place booked for the next month with an option to stay longer.
I’m not expecting to go to this place and be cured, but from what I’ve read, and been told, he’s successful at getting more of a normal life for anyone suffering with PTSD. Although I’m going there with hope, I’m also skeptical, but I’m determined to keep an open mind.
My stomach fills with dread when I think about what I’m embarking on, but he has a good success rate, so anything is worth a try at this point. It was Ryder who talked me into it by namely mentioning getting Savannah back. The thing is, she’d probably take me back tomorrow if I weren’t so damn ashamed of what I’ve done. She shouldn’t be the one being so forgiving, what I did to her was horrifying. After that night, I’m scared shitless of being with her.
At this point in my screwed up life, I’ll try about anything.
“How long do you want to sit here?” Ryder asks, breaking into my thoughts.
I’d forgotten he was with me, which is stupid really, considering he’s the one who drove me here. He’s been my rock this past week, which is another reason why I let Ryder talk me into going to this clinic.
Not only is he newly married, he also has a new daughter he needs to be with. Me going downhill and needing him is keeping him away from them, and I can’t do that to him anymore. In the past, it hasn’t mattered because he didn’t have them, but now I’m not going to be selfish.
I just have to get past the hurdle of talking to Savannah, and telling her I’m leaving and I don’t know when I’ll be back.