Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

I shrug, agitated as I fiddle with my hands. What’s the point in spilling all my problems when I’m beyond help? There’s nothing he can do to fix this. I’m fucked. Simple as that.

“I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself.” He shrugs, getting to his feet.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I mutter, speaking for the first time since I got into his office. “I’m in some trouble, but I’m trying to work things out.”

“Try harder,” he replies, as if it’s that bloody easy. “Because I tell you, your options are limited. You’ve failed the same class three times. The disciplinary board are on the verge of stepping in, and not to mention the failed classes are going to be costing you a fortune in fees.” He glances at his watch and sighs. “I have a meeting to get to. Think about it, and let me know what you want to do. If you want my advice, take some time off, get your head clear, and then come back and finish what you’ve been working so hard to achieve.” He shrugs on his jacket and escorts me out the door. “It’s your life, Cade. Your move.”

Well shit. Nothing like being brushed off by a kid on a power trip to ruin your day.

I sink down onto the sprawling green lawn just outside of the main entrance to Callatt University, Melbourne, which has been my home for the past four years. I pick up my phone from the grass in front of me and scroll through the contacts. There are so many people who are going to be disappointed in me. My parents—my father in particular. My brother. And of course, Bella. Three missed calls from her already, that I don’t plan on returning because I can’t face her today.

All these people I’ve been lying to, pretending everything is fine, when in reality my life is spiralling out of control. I’ve told so many lies, I’ve lost track of what’s real and what’s not. I’m months behind on my rent. I owe friends thousands of dollars—who wouldn’t for a second think that I’d be involved in gambling. Not Cade Wilson, son of one of Melbourne’s top cardiac surgeons, Professor Alec Wilson.

I let out a low, gravelly laugh. My father is going to fucking murder me. I can’t even imagine the disappointment of having a son kicked out of medical school because of a gambling addiction.

I’m supposed to follow in his footsteps. There has never been any other option—not that I wanted one. As much as I wanted to rebel against his demands, medicine was my dream too. I go to the best schools, get the best results, and I end up where he is: one of the best surgeons in the world. I felt the pressure to succeed as a five-year-old and now it’s just as strong, just as debilitating. It suffocates me because it’s everywhere. I can’t escape. I can’t breathe. If I’m not who he wants me to be then I’m not worthy of his attention. The problem is, what happens when even that isn’t enough? I could be everything he asks of me and he’d still find reason to be disappointed.

“There you are.”

I tense as Bella wraps her arms around my neck, her lips touching my cheek in a friendly kiss, just like she always does. As if nothing has changed. She flops down next to me, laying her head in my lap. Her warm brown eyes sparkle up at me as I plaster a smile on my face that I hope is convincing.

“Hey,” I murmur. I stroke a stray dark curl away from her eyes as she studies me intently. How can she pretend like nothing has happened? Did being with me mean that little to her?

“You okay? I called you this morning. I need to speak to you about something.”

Good conversations never begin like that. I haven’t even heard what she has to say, and I can already tell it’s not going to be good. I guess that’s what I get for being in love with someone I can never have.

“If this is about what happened, I already told you I’m not going to tell him,” I say quietly. As much as I want her, as hard as it is to see her with him and know I’ll never have what they have, I’m not going to ruin her life.

I met Bella in high school. I still remember her walking into my class and taking the only free seat in the room, next to me. We became friends, and every moment I spent with her pushed me further into the most serious teenage crush I’d ever experienced. There had been girls before her, but I’d never had another person occupy my every thought. I told myself that once she got to know me, she’d feel the same way. She had to. We had so much in common, and we would talk about everything.

Then I made the mistake of introducing her to my brother. Two years older than me, he had everything I didn’t, right down to the love and respect of our father. It wasn’t long until he had her too. I never actually told her how I felt, and then it was too late. I was stuck as her friend, her boyfriend’s brother. I pushed myself into a corner that I knew I’d never be able to pull myself out from. Seven years later I’m still there, only things got

a whole lot more complicated five weeks ago.

“I know you wouldn’t tell him, Cade. That’s not what this is about…” She hesitates, as if she’s weighing up whether or not to tell me something. “I’m…I think I’m pregnant.”

I sit forward, my stomach churning like all the breath has been sucked out of me. Did I hear her right? I couldn’t have heard her right, because that would mean…

“I’ve been going over this in my head, whether I should tell you or wait till I know for sure, but I needed to tell someone. Maybe I should’ve waited till after my doctor’s appointment, when I know for sure.” She laughs, her repetitiveness showing me how nervous she is.

“You’re sure it’s mine?” I ask.

She shoots me a look and I wince, because I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.

“Sorry.”

She waves her hand and manages a smile. “I don’t blame you for asking me that. I’ve made a mess of everything, haven’t I?”

“You’ve made a mess of nothing,” I promise her. I take her hand in mine and give it a squeeze. “Baby or no baby, we’ll get through this together. Okay?”

She hesitates and sits up, her long legs tucked under her as she faces me. “There isn’t going to be a baby, Cade. If it turns out I am pregnant, then it’s just a bunch of cells that I will take care of. I can’t have a kid. Not yet.” She chooses her words carefully. Her gaze drops, a frown moving across her lips as her chin wavers slightly. “And not with you.”

My throat tightens. I know she’s right, but the words slice through my heart like a rusty old knife. Not with me. Does that mean if it was his baby, she’d be considering it?

“Why would you even bother telling me then?” I say. I can’t help the anger that’s rising in my chest. It’s anger that should be directed at myself, for not being stronger when she came to me five weeks ago. She needed a friend and I took advantage of that. Any hurt I’m feeling right now, I deserve.

“Because I couldn’t not tell you. You’re my best friend. And as part of this whole situation, I thought you might be there for me no matter what I decide.”