Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

She flips her hair over her shoulder and sighs, a look of concentration in her serious, dark eyes. Her exotic looks rival those any supermodel. Guys are forever checking her out, but she’s too focused on her microbiology studies to notice.

“So, he’s a no then? I had him as a maybe.”

“Steve, and yes, he’s a definite no,” Mel laughs, tossing a chip at Nora. “I mean, I know she’s on the way out anyway, but we don’t want her to end up in some guy’s basement—”

“Will you stop that?” Calli growls, jumping to her feet. Her hands shake as she clenches them into tight fists by her side.

“What?” Mel asks, confused.

“You know what I mean,” Calli says, her voice more in control. “The stupid little jokes about her dying. It’s not funny. None of this is funny, yet you’re all sitting here laughing, like you’re planning a fucking wedding.”

“Why don’t you explain to us how we are supposed to act, then?” Mel interjects. “Excuse me for giving her what she obviously needs right now.”

“What she needs right now is to give up on this silly little plan to go gallivanting around the world with some guy she just met.”

“What I need,” I growl, cutting in, “is help sorting through these emails. If you can’t do that without being catty, then you can both leave. Okay? Okay?” I growl when neither of them answers. They both mutter a reply, which I take as a yes, and sit back down. “So, how many legitimate possibilities am I up to?”

“Fifteen. Or sixteen, if you count the cat guy.”

“No.” I shake my head. “I draw the line at travelling with Cruella De Vil.”

I sit back, exhausted. The emails are still coming in, but I have to end this somewhere. I stare at the list of names in front of me. It feels surreal that one of them will be the main person in my life for the next two months. Possibly the rest of my life. I shiver, the thought unsettling.

I listen to Mel and Nora’s forced giggles as I watch Calli out of the corner of my eye. She’s not coping, and though I don’t blame her, I don’t know what to do. Calli knows Mel well enough to know that she’s putting on an act for me. That’s what gets to me the most. Nobody really knows how to act around me, and I can’t deal with that at the moment. If I stop and think about everyone else’s feelings, then my life will be over before I even have time to process it. I just wish I could make my family understand that I need to do something, because dying without experiencing anything is terrifying.

Mel wraps her arms around me, a sad smile on her lips. Her perfectly styled blond curls hang loosely around her shoulders, her dark eyes watering as she holds my gaze.

“Anything at all—if you need anything, you let me know. Okay?”

My stomach tightens, and I do what I do best when I start to feel overwhelmed: I try to laugh it off.

“No, I’m serious, Ez. You need me to fly over to Colombia, or wherever the hell it is you’re going because you need a shoulder to cry on? I’ll do it. I’ll be there in a second for you.”

“Thanks, Mel. That means a lot,” I reply. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, and here I am fighting back tears.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m not driving myself crazy about all this, because I am.” She nods at Nora. “I just thought you needed a distraction. If I went too far, I’m sorry.” She turns to face Calli. “The last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel like I think this is all a big joke.”

“I should be the one apologizing, Mel,” Calli breaks in. “In case you couldn’t tell, I’m not coping too well with anything lately.” She glances at me and I smile sadly. “You’d think I was the one who was dying, huh?” she jokes, her voice weak. She pulls away and heads back into the living room.

I hesitate, wanting to follow after her.

“Go,” Mel urges. “We can see ourselves out.”

“Thanks for coming over,” I say, squeezing her hand. “You guys mean the world to me.”

“Call me if you need me,” Mel says, kissing my cheek.

My hands deep in the comfort of my pockets, I pad softly into the living room where my sister sits, sobbing softly. I swallow, a hard lump forming in my throat. I hate seeing her like this, but at the same time it’s just reinforcing why I need to get away from this place.

“I’m sorry,” Calli says. She sinks onto the couch, her voice defeated. “I’m trying, Ez, I really am.” She looks up at me with tears in her eyes. “Who am I going to call to whinge about Tim? My kids will never get to meet their aunt. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”

“You’ve got to let this go,” I say to her. “Trust me, I know it sucks. I’m living it, remember?” My feeble attempt to lighten the mood with a joke only seems to make things worse.

“I’m so selfish,” she curses herself. “Kids are just another thing you’re never going to get to experience.”

I sit back in my seat. Huh. Strangely enough, that hasn’t even occurred to me. I haven’t even thought about the children I’ll never have.

“There are so many things I can’t control.” I sit forward, determined to try and make her see this from my point of view. “When the pain is going to be so bad that I can’t get myself out of bed. The milestones I’m not going to get to experience, like getting married and having kids. That’s all out of my reach. But the next few months? They’re mine, Cal. They’re mine to live the fuck out of and leave something—” My voice breaks, but I force myself to finish. “—leave some part of me behind.”