Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

“I’m not sure I can,” I mumble. “Look, I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry I’ve fucked everything up. I’m sorry I’ve put you in this position. I’m sorry my life has turned out to be such a disappointment to you.” Anger pulsates through me, but it has nothing to do with her. It’s all me. I did this. I fucked everything up. “You want the icing on the cake? I was kicked out of my course yesterday. Pretty much expelled.”

Her mouth falls open. “Oh Cade…”

“What? What do you want me to say?” I snap, my voice harsh. “Nothing you’re thinking is worse than what I already think about myself, Mum.” I grab my yesterday’s jeans and shuffle into them, discarding my towel on the couch. Stalking past her, I stop at the laundry and retrieve a shirt from the dryer, tugging it over my head. “Listen, I’m sorry, but I gotta go.”

“Go where?” Mum asks, her voice rising.

“Don’t worry, I got no money left to do anything stupid,” I mutter. I rub the back of my neck and sigh. “Believe it or not, I want to fix this mess, Mum. I’m just fucked if I know how.” I glance at her, my jaw twitching. “Are you going to tell Dad? About my course?”

“No,” Mum says after a while. “Only because I think you should. I’m serious,” she adds after I snort. “He’s going to expect you to return next semester’s tuition fees, which I think is a good idea, all things considered.”

“Too late,” I mumble.

“Oh Cade.” Watching her face crumple in pain is almost too much.

I look away, wishing I wasn’t such a fucking mess.

“You didn’t.”

“Yep. I did. Just add it to the list of things I’ve done to ruin your life.” I grab my jacket and my keys and head for the door.

“Cade, wait.”

I stop, wondering what else she’s going to say to lay on the guilt. I turn around, my expression hard, even though inside I’m falling apart. The way she’s looking at me...I don’t know if I can ever get back the trust that I’ve lost from her.

“I came here wanting your help, but it seems this might be more a case of me helping you.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask, my voice gruff. I’m not in the mood for mind games.

“A friend of mine needs help, and I told her you might be interested. She’s willing to pay you twenty thousand, and I will match it. Forty thousand dollars can get your life back on track.”

Except it won’t get me back into school, or convince Bella that I’m the guy for her. It won’t undo the damage caused by years of disappointing a father who hates me. It won’t mend my broken relationship with my brother. Yeah, money will fix everything.

All that cash is going to do is clean the slate, ready for me to dig myself into yet another hole. Only if I let myself. Whether I take the chance to fix my life or repeat what got me into this mess in the first place is up to me.

“This has everything you need to know. Read it, let me know what you think.” She pushes an envelope into my hands and moves past me to the door. She turns back, her usually bright green eyes full of concern. “Give me a reason to trust you again, Cade. This will not only help you, it will help someone who is going through something I couldn’t even imagine.”

“I’ll read it and let you know tonight,” I promise.

She’s done so much for me, I at least owe her that.

I sit at the end back at the bar, hunched over a table and swirling the clear liquid around in my glass. It's just water. I can’t stomach anything heavier at the moment. As much as I want to drown everything out, what I want more is to fix this. I know I need help, but I can't do this alone. I'm not even sure I can do it all, but I want to try.

I finger the unopened envelope sitting on the table. I have no idea what is inside, but my mind is already made up. I’m going to do it, whatever it is. I want my mother to look at me without crushing disappointment in her eyes. I want to prove to my father and to myself that I can be someone, that I'm not the failure he thinks I am. My jaw tenses as I picture my father in front of me, his eyes mocking me, as if he’s wondering what my next stupid mistake will be.

The funny thing is, he doesn't even know about the gambling and drinking and all the rest, yet I'm still the most disappointing thing in his life. How does that even work? Because all his attention and focus is on Noah. I’m left in the backdrop, barely given a second thought because I’m expected to fail. I’m not the perfect son Noah is. I’ll never be what my brother is to him, because I can’t change genetics. I’m the product of betrayal, a constant reminder to my father that my mother isn’t perfect. I’m not supposed to know that, but I know a lot of things I shouldn’t know.

I set my glass down and rip into the envelope, tearing along the edge with my thumb. I pull out a letter, and what looks like a

screenshot printout of an ad. I pick up the letter and read it.

Dear Cade,

I thought it would be easiest to put everything down in writing so it gives you a chance to think about this without any pressure.

My daughter is dying. She has a rare form of brain cancer that is wrapped around brain tissue, making it inoperable. We’ve accepted that we are going to lose her, as much as we can, but what we cannot accept is her not letting us be there for her when she is going to need us most.

Our daughter has booked a holiday overseas, a two-month trip around the world. She has placed an ad on Craigslist, of all places, looking for a companion. You can imagine how we feel about this, but talking her out of it is useless.