Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

“It’s okay,” I say again, only this time I feel empty, because he’s hurting and I can’t fix it. Tears roll down my cheeks, my soft sniffles giving way to sobs. I can’t halt the flood, because all I can think of is how hard this must be for them. I can’t imagine any pain compares to that of having to bury your child. Taking a deep breath, I wipe my eyes and pull away from him. I reach over to Mum and hug her, wishing the smile she wore wasn’t so forced.

“Hey Mum,” I say. I was sure after a few days to process everything, she’d be okay with it, and while I can see that she’s trying, she’s not quite there.

“Calli says you’ve been meeting with potential travel partners?” she queries. “Any luck?” I love that she’s trying, but her lack of enthusiasm makes me want to laugh. She might as well be asking me how I wash my socks.

“I think I’ve found someone. You’d like him. He’s a nice guy.”

“Does he have a name?” Mum asks.

“Cade. Wilson.”

“Do we get to meet him? We’d like to see who our daughter is going off gallivanting around the world with,” she says with a sniff.

“I guess you can meet him,” I reply. To be honest, that hadn’t even occurred to me, but why wouldn’t they want to meet him? And it might be a good way to get Mum to come around to the idea. “You know what? I’ll set it up.”

“Good,” Mum murmurs. For the first time, her smile looks genuine. “How are you feeling?” she asks. She reaches up and touches my forehead. “You look tired, Erin.”

“I always look tired, remember?” I tease. I take her hand and squeeze it. “I feel good, Mum. Really. I’m looking forward to having a good night with the people I love most in the world.” Tears fill her eyes and I hug her close. “I didn’t want you to cry,” I laugh softly.

“I’m going to miss you,” she whispers. “When you’re on your trip, not when—” She stops, shaking her head. “Not that I’m not going to miss you when you…”

“Mum, stop.” I shake my head, determined to rescue her from digging herself a deeper hole. “Let’s just have a nice night and worry about the rest tomorrow, okay?”

“That sounds good,” she says, looking relieved.

After some exceptional Vietnamese food on Victoria Street that we had to wait in line for half an hour for, and a walk through the gardens, we arrive back at my apartment just after ten. It’s typical Melbourne weather in that the clouds that were blue when we left are now angry and grey in what’s supposed to be the middle of summer.

“Come up for a drink?” I ask Mum and Dad. “I have something I want to tell you.” Mum glances at Dad and I chuckle at the look of worry on her face. “It’s not always bad, is it?”

Back in my apartment, Calli prepares coffee while my parents settle on the couch. I disappear into my room, and into my walk-in closet. From up the back of the second highest shelf, I retrieve a box. My heart pounds as I place it on the bed and lift off the lid. I sit on the edge of the bed and study the contents.

“Is that Grandma’s jewellery box?”

I look up. Calli stands in the doorway, peering inside. I smile and motion for her to join me.

She sits next to me, resting her head on my shoulder. “I remember the fights we used to have over this when we were little. I was devastated when she gave it to you and not me.”

“I know.” I grin. “Which is why I want you to have it.”

“What? Erin, no,” she protests as I try and give it to her, pushing it back into my hands. “No, not yet. You can’t do this yet, Ez. It makes it too real.”

“When shall I do it then? When I’m dead?” My words cut through the air like a knife. “I need to make sure everything is sorted before I go.”

“Why not do it when you get back?” she asks, a sense of desperation in her voice.

I frown at her. Does she really need me to answer that?

“Because you don’t expect to come back,” she mumbles, more to herself than to me. “Is that why Mum and Dad are out there, so you can offload your belongings to them and then skip the country, leaving me to clean up your mess?”

“It’s not like that,” I reply. I’m hurt that she’s taking her anger out on me. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this, Calli. Forgive me, but this is my first time dying. I just wanted to make sure everything was in order so I wasn’t leaving you to clean up my mess.” My voice raises a few notches, but I’m too upset to worry that Mum and Dad might hear.

“I’m sorry.” Calli sighs and sinks back down on the bed, defeated. “The last thing I want to do is make this harder for you.”

“And all I’m trying to do is make this as easy for you guys as I can. I know nothing is going to make this all okay, but if I can take care of the little things now, then at least I can know you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Little things?” Calli repeats, her brow creasing.

I hesitate and pull out a folder from the box.