Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

“I’m shocked that you’re even here, to be honest. I was just sitting here, psyching myself up for doing the rest of this alone.”

“I’d never do that to you,” I all but growl.

Her eyebrows shoot up at the passion in my voice.

“I told you I’d be here for you, and I am. I never want you to think that I’m deserting you, okay? No matter what I do, or say, or however stupid I act, I’m always going to be there for you.”

Her expression softens and she smiles. “I know this is hard for you, too. I get it, I do. And I appreciate what you’re doing for me more than I can say. I can never repay you for this.”

My stomach twists into knots. I’d pushed out of my mind what I’m getting out of this, but hearing her say that has brought it right to the forefront of my thoughts. How crushed would she be if she found out that not only are her parents paying me a huge sum of cash to babysit her, but my own are matching it? I don’t even want to think about her reaction. Hell, I would be livid if the situation were in reverse.

“I mean it,” she continues. “All you’re getting out of this is a stupid trip. You probably came into this thinking ‘yeah, great, I’ll hold this dying girl’s hand, show her a good time, and that’ll be that’. You couldn’t have been expecting this. You couldn’t have been expecting us.”

“Us?” I mumble. I swallow, my throat constricting.

“Yes.” She pauses. “This. Whatever this is. Anyway, I’m sorry I was angry. You’re allowed to have an off day.”

“I don’t want an off day,” I mutter. “I want you.”

Her eyes widen, and just as she opens her mouth to respond our flight is called over the loudspeaker. My words hang in the air around us, unanswered.

“We better hurry,” she mumbles.

I nod, grabbing my bags and hers before standing up. We walk in silence to the gate. Why the fuck did I go and say that? I glance at her. What is she thinking? What if I’m misreading the situation? I sigh and rub the back of my neck. The effects of being hungover are making me paranoid, but I can’t help it. Until I hear her say that she wants this, I won’t be able to relax.

“What happened?” she asks when we’re comfortable in our seats. “Last night? You were in bed with me and then you weren’t.” She looks away, embarrassed. “It’s not even that I’m angry, I just don’t understand…Is it that I’m dying?” She stares at me, a troubled look in her eyes.

“It was nothing to do with you,” I lie. “I heard from Bella and that tipped me over the edge.”

“She actually called you? What did she say?”

“That she took care of it,” I say simply.

It’s odd, but I don’t feel anything. All the emotion and all the anger I had yesterday towards Bella have vanished. Now I just feel empty. It’s a strange feeling to have about someone you’re supposed to care so much for, but in the past few weeks things have changed so much. I’ve changed.

“I’m not even sure what it is I’m angry about. I can’t change anything, and she was right—it was her decision.” I stop, trying to form my thoughts. “I think what most upsets me is I thought we could get through anything. I thought we’d be friends for life, but I don’t think we can come back from this.”

“Give it time,” Erin says, reaching for my hand, her touch igniting something in me.

I wish it were that simple, but I know time won’t fix this.

“Maybe this happened for a reason,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, maybe this whole mess will give me the push I need to move on.” I laugh and shake my head. “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I have moved on.”

“You don’t love her anymore?” Erin looks surprised.

I think about it for a moment. Maybe I never really loved her. I fixated myself on someone who was out of my reach, but maybe that was my way of protecting myself from letting anyone get too close. I look at Erin and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. What I’m feeling for her far outweighs anything I ever felt for Bella.

“I don’t know,” I reply, not ready to release my thoughts. “I think I’m still processing this all.” My mind is imploding with conflicting emotions. More than anything, I want to tell her how I feel but I’m nervous. I’m scared of losing her. I’m scared because I’m going to lose her, and knowing that is coming soon is just too much to deal with. Having feelings for her is one thing, but acting on them takes this to a whole other level.

“So what happened last night?” she asks, changing the subject. “Where did you go?”

“You mean, did I gamble?” I ask, saying what she really means. “Yes. I lost a couple of hundred dollars. But then I stopped myself, drank too much, and went back to the hotel.” I’m still so disappointed in myself. To get this far and then stumble, it’s soul-crushing.

“I guess that’s better, right?” she says encouragingly. “It might not feel like it, but that shows some kind of control. I imagine it would’ve been easier to just cave and place another bet, and then another one.”