I’ve only heard my mother’s side of things. No, that’s not accurate, because she doesn’t even know that I know that I know. All I have is her words in those letters. I never told her that I found them because I was afraid that I’d get her into more trouble. Besides, I got what I needed from those letters.
I finally knew why my father hated me.
It’s easier to label it as too hard than to do the work to try and fix it. We are past mending our relationship. We can’t even be in the same room together and be civil, so I can’t see us ever coming back from this.
Just like I can’t ever see Noah and I fixing things. Even as young children, there was always that rivalry between us, and we became more distant as we grew older. Hell, in the last twelve months I’ve seen him twice. Twice. He lives less than fifteen minutes away from me and that’s all I can manage? Yet Bella, his girlfriend, I was seeing almost every day.
I slide my hand out from behind Erin and stand up. I carefully step over her and make my way down the aisles of the train. It’s after midnight, and nearly everyone is asleep, so I pretty much have the dining car to myself. I order a coffee and sit down, staring at my phone. I’m so fucking anxious. Calling family shouldn’t be this hard, right? I can’t remember the last time I had a casual conversation with any of my family. Someone always wants something.
I press Call before I can change my mind.
“Hello,” he answers. There is no recognition in his voice at all, and it dawns on me that he doesn’t even have my number in his phone. Or maybe he’s just that shocked that I’m calling him.
“Hey. It’s me,” I say. “Cade.”
“Cade? Wow, how are you? How’s the trip going?”
He must’ve found out from Mum about the trip, because I never told him. Did she tell him about the gambling too? My grip tightens around the phone. I don’t want him knowing my business because I’m ashamed, and it’s just another reason why he’s better than me.
“Yeah, it’s going well. We are on our way over to London. Dad lined up a specialist appointment for Erin.”
“The dying girl, right?”
“Yeah, that’s her,” I murmur. The dying girl. “How’s Bella?”
“She’s all right. You know we’re back together?”
I cringe, remembering what happened while they were apart. If he ever found out…
“She’s been a bit sick the last few weeks, but I think she’s coming good again. Now I just hope I don’t catch whatever it is she had.”
I swallow a laugh. I’m pretty sure he’s safe there.
“So…” He pauses for a second. “Did you need something?”
“No, I just wanted to call and see how things were going.”
He’s quiet, probably in shock. “Cade, in the twenty-six years I’ve known you, you’ve never called me just to say ‘hi’.”
“Maybe I want to change that,” I mumble. I run my hand through my hair, feeling frustrated and confused.
“What’s going on with you?” he asks. “Where is this coming from?”
“I don’t know, maybe this is a bad idea,” I say. I shouldn’t have called, not while I’m in this frame of mind. My thoughts are all over the place. I hang up before he can answer.
I head back to my seat. Erin hasn’t moved an inch, placed in exactly the same position as I left her. Sitting back down, I wrap my arm back around her. She sighs and smiles softly, still sleeping as I lean in and kiss her.
Chapter Twenty
Erin
“Thanks for coming with me.”
Cade glances at me. He reaches over and takes my hand. “Anytime. I’m here for you. Remember?”
I nod and look around the waiting room again.
We are sitting in a clinic in the middle of London, about to meet a surgeon organised by Cade’s father, who thinks he might be able to operate. I’m so nervous. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m worried he won’t be able to remove it, or he’ll tell me he can.