Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

“It’ll be fine, Ez.”

I see the strength in his eyes and can’t help but feel safe. He called me Ez.

“This is just a meeting to discuss your options. What you do from here is completely up to you.”

My name is called. I jump, my heart pounding. Cade takes my hand and we stand up.

“Hi, Erin? I’m Arthur Penderson. Down this way,” he says, gesturing to us to follow him. He doesn’t look like an Arthur. I don’t think I’ve ever met an Arthur who is under sixty. This guy looks to be in his early forties and he’s very attractive—not that his appearance has any bearing on his ability to perform delicate, lifesaving surgeries.

We walk into his consultation room. He slides behind his desk and we sit in the two chairs in front of him.

“Okay.” He glances at Cade. “You’re Andrew’s son? Your father is a great surgeon.”

Cade smiles tightly and Arthur turns his attention back to me. “Okay, Erin, I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I’ve looked at your file and I’ve gone over your scans. You have one hell of a tumour in there. Ninety-nine percent of surgeons wouldn’t even think about touching you.”

“Do you fall into the one or the ninety-nine category?” I ask softly.

He sighs and sits back in his chair, his arms crossed over his chest. He rubs his eyes, as if he’s had a long day. “I’ll do the surgery, Erin, but I need you to understand the risks are shocking. The chances of me being able to get it all are less than three percent. The likelihood of you dying is greater than ninety percent. The chances of this working are tiny. But it’s there, and it’s probably more hope than you’ve felt in a long time.”

I sit there, my hands fidgeting in my lap. I have no idea what I feel or what to say, so I say nothing. Cade places his hand over mine, but all I can do is stare at the floor and try not to cry.

“Take whatever time you need to think about this, Erin. How have you been feeling?”

“The headaches are the worst thing,” I mumble. “I’m getting more and more episodes of blurred vision, and I’ve pretty much felt consistently sick the last two weeks.” I can feel Cade’s stare burning through me, probably because he had no idea how unwell I’ve been feeling.

“I’d like to do some more tests to see where we are at. How about we start with those and then we can chat?”

I nod.

He picks up the phone and speaks to his receptionist. “Sally will organise the tests for you. I understand that this is time sensitive, so I’m having her schedule them all for today and tomorrow.”

He escorts us back out and leaves us with his receptionist. I’m numb as she runs through the series of tests he wants me to have, but luckily Cade is listening. I mumble something incoherent and wander over to sit down. Cade watches me, concerned, but still getting all the information we need from Sally.

I’d prepared myself to die. How am I supposed to process the fact that I might not?

Chances are this disease is still going to kill me. There’s less than a ten percent chance of me surviving. How soon is he going to want to do this? What if I die during surgery? If I go ahead with it, I could be dead by next week.

I’m so confused.

Cade walks back over to me. He kneels down in front of me, his face creased with concern. “Are you okay?”

“No,” I mumble. “Can we please go?”

He nods and stands up, leading me outside. We walk in silence to the rental car. He opens the door for me and I get in. After having the requested tests, which they managed to arrange all for today, we’re finally free to leave.

We drive back to the hotel, neither of us saying a word. I love that he’s giving me time to think about all this, but at the same time I know he’s dying to know what I’m thinking. We get back to the hotel room and I curl up on the bed, my eyes closed. Cade lies next to me, stroking my face.

“I’m sorry if this was too much, Erin. I’m sorry if I pressured you into seeing him.”

/> “You didn’t. I wanted to see him.” I pause and open my eyes. “I’m scared. I’m so scared and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m scared of this thing taking everything from me, but I’m terrified that having the surgery will kill me first.” I laugh and wipe the tears from my eyes. “I’m such a mess that I’m not making sense.”

“You’re making perfect sense,” Cade whispers. “I don’t want to lose you, but if there is even the tiniest part of you that wants to do this, then I think you should. Time flies, Erin. It’s moving too fast and…” He doesn’t finish.

Time is moving fast. It feels like only yesterday we were leaving Australia. It’s been nearly three months since that morning on the river, and so much has happened since then. It’s been hard, but I know the hardest part is coming, because I have to decide. Only I have no idea what I’m going to do.

Do I have the surgery and risk dying or live the heck out of the next few weeks and be happy with that?

Chapter Twenty-One