The girls and Mum rush to comfort me, but I’m holding onto three months’ worth of tears and a whole lot of fatigue. All my fears, anxieties, and frustrations are bubbling to the surface and I can’t get a grip on them.
“Can we go back to the hotel?” I sob, barely able to get the words out. All I want is to lie down with Cade.
“Of course we can,” says Mum in a soothing voice. She stands up and puts her arms around me, holding me close.
I breathe in, instantly feeling better because it feels good. No matter how old you are, you’re never too old for your mother’s hugs.
We arrive back at the hotel and I cannot keep awake. Somewhere between the elevators and the room, Cade is carrying me. I smile at him, then close my eyes again, drifting back to sleep.
**
It’s after six in the evening when I finally wake, but I feel so much better after a decent sleep. I’m wrapped in Cade’s arms as we lie on our bed. I turn over to face him and he smiles, kissing me softly on the lips. Has he been lying here this whole time, watching me?
“Hey beautiful,” he grins, kissing the tip of my nose.
I laugh and swat him away.
“I was just about to wake you. Your parents are on their way up with pizza. We thought it was easier than making you go out somewhere.”
“Pizza is good.” I grin. Not going out is even better.
I quickly get dressed and wash my face, retying my hair. I glance outside. The sun is starting to die down, and every minute that passes sees my anxieties increase. It’s getting way too close. Tomorrow. If I think too hard about it, I can’t breathe. It’s like the walls are closing in on me, crushing me. I take a deep breath. I’m trying so hard to pretend to be strong, and it’s exhausting.
“I’m sorry you came all this way for a day,” I mumble to everyone in general. The time they’ll be spending on the plane exceeds the time they’ll have here. Whose stupid idea was this?
“Stop talking like this isn’t going to work,” Calli chastises me, reaching for another slice of pizza. “And it’s not one day, because you’ll need our help after the surgery.”
If I’m still alive. But then again, if I’m not, I’ll need their help even more.
“We’d have flown out for an
hour with you, Erin. You know that,” Dad chimes in, throwing his arms around my shoulders. “So stop feeling guilty and let us enjoy being here with you.”
“Geez, Erin,” Mel teases. “Way to ruin our fun.” Her eyes sparkle.
I poke my tongue out at her and resume picking away at my uneaten slice of pizza.
For the next few hours I enjoy being with my family and my friends, but hiding in the back of my mind is reality.
I’m trying so hard to pretend to be happy for them, but I’m a blubbering mess on the verge of cracking. I need space to get my head right. I don’t want them to leave, but at the same time I can’t wait for them to go so I can release all my emotions on poor Cade.
Mum watches me thoughtfully. I try to smile, but can’t pull it off. She winks at me, like she can read my mind, and then stands up. “Okay, everyone out. Erin needs a good rest before tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. There’s that crushing feeling again. I can’t escape it. I smile as Mum rounds everyone up and forces them out in a whirlwind of pizza boxes, noise, and hugs. Finally, they’re gone. I close the door behind them and wander back to the living room with Cade.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
I shrug. I’m strangely calm, as if in just the last few moments, I’ve come to terms with everything. Whatever happens tomorrow, happens. I can’t change it. All I’m doing by thinking about it is robbing myself of the time I have left.
The problem is, in ten minutes I’ll be feeling something else.
“I’m okay. Tired,” I admit.
He wraps his arms around my waist and kisses my neck. I smile, closing my eyes, loving his touch.
“Go get some rest,” he says.
I turn around and place my arms around his neck.