Instead I just lie there, thinking about how I failed her. I hate myself for not saving her, and I’ll punish myself because that’s what I deserve. I don’t believe I’ll ever feel anything other than the soul-crushing pain I do now.
They say it gets better over time, but I call bullshit.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Cade
Today is the first day since Erin died where feel like I can almost function.
The last few days have been a haze of drinking, sleeping, and not much else. I’ve been dodging calls from my family since Erin died three days ago. It’s been three whole days. Three days that I have very little recollection of because I’ve been off my head drunk.
Then I remember Calli. God, I treated her like shit.
She’s probably hurting more than I am, and I said some God-awful things to her. I cringe, wishing I could erase everything. I grab my phone, desperate to speak to her, because at least this is something I can fix. Groaning, I clutch my stomach. I feel sick, but I’m not sure if it’s my body punishing me for the bucketloads of alcohol or guilt that I’m feeling.
Me: Are you still in London? Can we meet up today?
She replies almost instantly.
Calli: I’m still here. Are you going to attack me again?
Me: I want to apologize
Calli: Meet me in Hyde Park then. Half hour.
I jump in the shower, washing the shame of the last few days from my body. As quick as I’m in, I’m out, dried, and dressed. I grab my wallet and the hotel card and head towards the elevator.
Erin would’ve loved this place.
I walk through the gates of Hyde Park, sadness engulfing me. It’s just her kind of thing: towering green trees, laughing birds, children running and laughing through the lush green grass. I shove my hands in my pockets and walk over to the edge of the lake, trying to think about anything other than her. But she’s everywhere. It’s like my heart is being ripped from my chest. Is this what it’s going to be like from now on? Every place I go will leave me thinking of her?
I knew the chances of her surviving the operation were small, but I’d convinced myself that she was going to be okay. She had to be okay, because we’d just found each other. I should have been prepared. I should have been open to the possibility that I might lose her, but every part of my being was sure she was going to get through that surgery.
“There you are.”
I turn around. Calli stands there, wrapped up in a thick jacket so big it looks like it swallowed her. The matching pink beanie on her head pushes me over the edge and I chuckle. She stares at me like I’ve lost my mind.
“Erin once told me you hated the cold weather,” I explain with a grin. It’s the first time I’ve laughed in days. “That’s the first time I thought of her and not felt like crying.” I pause, shaking my head. “How do you do it?” I ask. “You knew her longer than I did, but you’re handling this so well. I need to know your secret, because every second I feel like I’m going to fall apart.”
“I’m not handling it well,” she replies, her green eyes empty. “I’m as broken as you are, only I try to hide because I need to be strong for my parents.”
“How are they?” I ask softly. That should’ve been my first question.
“Not good, but they’ll be okay.”
“How do you know that?” I ask. How can she be sure they’ll get through this? How can any of us be sure that we will get over her and move on?
She smiles helplessly. “Because what choice do they have?”
We grab a coffee at a nearby cart and walk around the park. We don’t say much, both lost in our own thoughts, but knowing the other is feeling the same loss says more than words ever could.
“I owe you an apology,” I say, turning to her. I hope she can see how sincere I am.
“You don’t owe me anything, Cade. You were hurting. I knew that wasn’t you talking. I’m just glad you’re keeping it together now. That would make Erin happy.” She smiles, and gazes out across the park. “I came to see you because she asked me to. Before she died. She made me promise to keep an eye on you.”
“She asked you that?” I mumble. I swallow past the lump in my throat, fighting back tears. That sounds like something she would do.
“She loved you, Cade. I’ve never seen her like that with anyone. You’ll always have that, you know.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “What are you going to do now? Go back home?”