Don't Hold Back (Love Hurts 4)

I put my arm around her shoulder. “I’m not mad, Mum, I just need you to know that I know. Finding those letters explained a lot for me, like why nothing I did was ever good enough for Dad.”

“Your dad loves you—”

“He also saw what you did to him every time he looked at me.” I sigh. No matter how hard this is, I need to keep going. “I need you to make me understand why you did it. You wrote that you felt neglected and that he left you to look after Noah. Is that true?”

“If you want to know whether I’m to blame or your father is, then it’s me. One hundred percent,” she replies. “Your father worked hard to provide for his family, and I…” She shakes her head. “I never should have done what I did, and I regret it every single day.”

“I’m not looking to blame anyone,” I say gently. “I just need to understand, Mum. I grew up wondering why he loved Noah more than me. I couldn’t work out what I’d done wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I never thought…I never realised you felt that way.”

“Does my real father know about me?” I ask. I brace myself for her answer, not sure what I want to hear.

“He didn’t. He died in a car crash when you were a year old. I never told him about you, and once he was gone, things between your dad and I got better.”

I nod, taking a moment to digest everything. At the very least, I feel like I’m getting closure. Maybe I’ll finally be able to put this behind me and move on. Whether or not I can build a relationship with Dad remains to be seen.

“I’ll see you later, okay, Mum?” I lean over and give her a hug, because I want her to know that we’re going to be okay.

**

“Uncle Cade!”

I crouch down and let Eden jump up into my arms. “Oh look at you! You’re getting so big,” I exclaim.

She proudly rolls up her sleeve to display her tiny muscles, making me smile. She’s by far the cutest two-year-old I’ve ever seen. “Mummy said if I eat my crusts I’ll be big and strong,” she says with a wide, toothy smile.

I glance up at Bella and grin. “Then you better listen to your mummy. She knows a lot.” Standing up, I ruffle Eden’s mop of thick brown hair and then walk over to Bella.

“You’re looking good,” she says to me and I smile. She looks good too. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this happy, or my brother.

Noah walks in carrying two beers. He hands me one and slaps me on the back. “Good to have you back, bro, even if it’s only for a few days.”

The funny thing is, even though things are difficult between Mum, Dad and I, Noah and I are the closest we’ve ever been. He flew over to London shortly after Erin died to check on me. We bonded over a few too many drinks and somehow repaired our fragile relationship. He stayed for a week, until he was sure I was going to be okay, and by the time he left, we were in a good place. I’m grateful for that because it enabled me be a part of Eden’s life. They’re been over to visit twice, and with all the Skype sessions, I feel like I’ve watched her grow up.

“It’s good to be back,” I say, meaning it. “How’s the world of podiatry?”

“Low stress, good money. What’s not to like?” He grins.

I chuckle, about to reply when I see my father. He stands in the doorway, awkwardly holding a beer. We haven’t properly spoken since that night, other than for him to gruffly tell me he was sorry that she had died. I walk over and give him a hug. It feels less than natural, but it’s a start. I wasn’t expecting to see him here, but I might as well get this over with too.

“Your mother called and said you were back. She mentioned something about Switzerland,” he says. He looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t.

I nod. Nerves kick around my stomach, which surprises me. I thought I was past wanting his approval, but apparently I’m not. “I applied for residency at the Freedman Clinic and was accepted.”

“The assisted suicide clinic?” he asks, surprised.

“That’s the one,” I say, pleased that he’s heard of it.

“I didn’t know you had an interest in that,” he murmurs.

I raise my eyebrows. Does my father almost sound impressed?

“I admire you, Cade. That will be one of the hardest experiences of your life.”

I’d argue that, because losing Erin was pretty damn hard.

“Is that what you want to do?” he asks.