I could tell he was deteriorating. I could see it in the way he looked and acted. He rested for longer periods of time, he was constantly sick, and he struggled to keep anything down, even his meds. Was he in much pain? Did he think about dying? These were the things that ran through my head that I couldn’t ask him.
If it were me, I’d be thinking about it all the time. Every time I closed my eyes I’d be wondering if I would be waking up. I admired his strength, and his ability to keep positive, because even though time kept creeping, by Andy kept on fighting.
“So,” I asked, reaching across the table for the milk. Andy sat opposite me, flicking through the paper. It was Wednesday morning, and I was waiting to see what the day was going to hold. “Do we get to see this list?” I wondered what else he had on there. This whole experience had me thinking about my own mortality, and what I wanted to achieve in life.
“Nope. Much more fun for me if you guys don’t know what’s coming next,” Andy said with a grin. Marta placed a handful of pills in front of him. “I think you’ll enjoy today, though, man,” he said, arranging the pills in front of him by size.
“Are you going to take them or play with them?” I asked, nodding in front of him.
He rolled his eyes and threw one in his mouth, followed by a sip of water, gagging on the liquid. He can barely swallow. I looked over at Marta to see if she’d been watching. Her eyes met mine as she gave me a sympathetic smile. What did this mean? Things were getting worse . . . so what was next? It was weird, but I felt so underprepared. I didn’t know what to expect when it came to his final days. The whole idea of watching him go through that scared the hell out of me, especially when
I kept telling myself that we still had time.
“What about me?” asked Em, walking over to the table with two steaming mugs in her hands. “Will I enjoy it?”
She passed Andy his mug of tea and handed me my coffee. I sighed, pressing my lips together as I took in her appearance. She looked so pretty in her jeans and a fitted, blue sweater, but then again, she always looked beautiful. Her long hair was messed up into a ponytail and she wore little makeup, if any.
I glanced back at Andy and watched him struggle down another pill. I had to hold myself together, if only for her.
“You get a rest today. This one is all Seth’s.”
I groaned, making out that I was dreading it, but I was actually looking forward to whatever it was. The last week of experiences were things I’d never have done if Andy hadn’t pushed me into them, and what did you know? I’d actually enjoyed myself. What I enjoyed the most was the amount of time I got to share with Em and Andy.
“Do I get a hint at least?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
Andy sighed. “Seriously, you’re such a pussy, man. Fine, this is something you’ve wanted for a long time.” My eyes immediately fell on Em and then quickly darted away. She was the only thing I longed for, but somehow I didn’t think that was on today’s agenda. I looked back at Andy, who was staring at me intently. My face flushed. I could just tell he’d caught me looking at Em. I could only imagine what was going through his head.
“I’ve got no idea. Guess I’ll just have to wait.” I shrugged.
“Guess you will,” he echoed, narrowing his eyes at me.
“Well, I guess I better finish getting ready.” I stood up and went to my room, taking my coffee with me. He hadn’t realized it, but his words had driven home like a knife through my heart. I’d never have her. No matter what the future held, she was the one thing I wanted that I would never have.
Until now I’d been able to fool myself into believing that there was a tiny shred of hope that things could work out. But I was kidding myself. I needed to move on and forget about her like that, because all I was going to do was ruin our friendship.
“I won’t let that happen,” I muttered to my reflection in the mirror. She needed me and I was going to be there for her. As a friend. Because losing her meant losing everything.
Grabbing my jacket, I left my room and walked back out into the kitchen. Marta was there, alone. Hesitating, I sat down at the table. There was so much I wanted to ask, but at the same time, so many questions I didn’t want the answer to. It all felt so complicated.
“He’s getting worse, isn’t he?” I finally said.
She nodded. “He should be in the hospital. But he’s stubborn.”
“Is he in much pain?” I asked, not being able to stand the thought of my best friend suffering.
“He’s having trouble getting his pain meds down. Even with them, the pain would be significant.”
I had one more question, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. In the back of my mind, I thought about Deb and Karl every day. I vowed that the second he deteriorated, I’d call them. But how would I know when the time was right? What if I completely fucked everything up?
“Is there something you can do? Get a doctor here or something?” I asked.
“He doesn’t want that yet. The doctor can prescribe intravenous pain meds, but it will knock him out. He’s not ready for that yet.”
“How long?” I finally asked. A lump formed in my throat as I waited for her to answer. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words “until he dies.”
“A week or so. Maybe more. Maybe less.”
I nodded, trying to process the information. A week. One week. Seven days, and my best friend in the world would be gone. It didn’t feel real. He had such a presence that imagining him no longer there was impossible.