The Dancer

I’d promised myself a long time ago that I would never do to an innocent what my father had done to my mother. That’s the reason I kept my relationships to more experienced women. Women who knew the score. Women I had no interest in spending the rest of my life with.

“So I repeat, why don’t you just stop hiding your feelings and see where this thing goes? I’ve never seen you this tied up in knots over a female before. I don’t want you to…”

“I still don’t know what it is that I feel for her Tony. It’s all confusing as hell. If it was lust I could deal with it like I always do. But there’s something else at play here, only I don’t know what that something is.”

But the fact that she’s stayed on my mind this long, that she draws bittersweet memories of my childhood to the forefront, makes me wonder. And along with the wonder comes worry. Worry for her. I can see her getting into my bed but I can’t see her getting out. Scares the fuck outta me.

“That right there should tell you something. You’ve never given this much thought to any of your past entanglements. Besides, I saw the way you looked at her that day before she even came through the door.”

I should’ve known he would. He’s always watching, even here, to make sure I’m safe. I didn’t bother to ask him what he thought he saw, just left that statement hanging in the air.

How easy it would be to follow his advice. To just take until I had my fill and she was out of my system. Then I could go back to the uncaring man I’d trained myself to be.

I had no doubt that I could break down her barriers. That I could make her want me as much as I was coming to want her. But that fear of fucking up someone’s life plagued me.

Had she been more-worldly it would be a cake walk. But that’s just it. It was her innocence that had my ass in a dilemma. Her innocence and that look in her eyes that haunts me still.

After years of avoiding her type she’d fallen into my lap out of nowhere. From that first moment until now she’d barely left my thoughts for more than a few minutes at most. And the harder I fought this, the more I knew that I was only fighting the inevitable.

Coming onto the end there in Miami I could barely taste my damn food, that’s when I remembered to eat at all. She’d interrupted my eating, my sleep, even the way I did my business.

Was I only fooling myself? Had she already infiltrated my life to the point that I had no other choice but to give in? What if I’m wrong?

What if this wasn’t love, but something less life changing? I kept coming back full circle and my indecision must’ve shown on my face when I turned around, because Tony had a troubled look on his face. Was I that bad?

“You’ll figure it out, I have no doubt. Just don’t deny yourself something good if it comes to that. Not to get all mushy on you, but you deserve some good in your life just like everybody else.”

“Isn’t my life good? It’s a far sight better than what either of us grew up with.” I shoved my hands in my pockets and paced in front of the window.

“Yes, but a good woman makes everything even better.”

“Woman? She’s barely out of fucking childhood.” That was also something else that was bothering me, her age.

Someone that young would get clingy and start building dreams in her head or some shit. What if I take her to my bed and it doesn’t work out? Will she be able to move on like the others? Or will she hate me for not loving her enough?

My mother popped into my head and I remembered the nights I’d hear her crying in her room when she thought I was asleep in the next room. Fucked with my head as a kid.

Or when I’d found the old bent picture she kept at the bottom of a drawer of her and the man who’d broken her heart. I’d hate myself for fucking ever if I did that shit to a female.

My mother, as far as I know never had another relationship with a man after my dad left her pregnant and alone as a teen. That was a long damn time to be alone.

It only made me resent my father more, and doubt my own ability to love. I have some of him in me after all as is to be expected. I know I look like him, but do I have the same heart?

Could I destroy an innocent the way he had? Was I heartless enough to do such a thing? I saw Annabelle’s face in my mind and felt sick at the thought that I could leave her hurt and broken like that.