Seduce (Beautiful Rose 0.50)

“Jack—”

“No, you don’t get it. You don’t know what I did to her. I killed her, Alex. I fucking killed her!”

“What do you mean, you killed her?” Alex asked. He sounded confused. “And where are you?”

“What does it matter where I am?” I replied.

“Just tell me where you are,” repeated Alex calmly.

“I’m at the lake house,” I said softly. I picked up a stone from the ground beside me and threw it into the lake. The sound of it breaking through the stillness of the water echoed.

“The lake house?” Alex repeated, as if he’d forgotten about it, or blocked it from his memory. “Okay, tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”

“I cheated on her. I cheated on her with Lisbeth,” I mumbled, crying.

“Jack, you told me that already, remember? After it happened, you called me. You also said you stopped it, remember?” Alex asked. I shook my head. The last few days had blended into a big blur. I was having trouble separating my thoughts from reality.

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. If she had never met me, then she would still be alive right now. If I hadn’t cheated on her, then she wouldn’t have left and she wouldn’t be dead right now,” I cried.

Pain tore through my stomach. I hadn’t eaten in two days and my insides felt as though they were being ripped to shreds. I gripped my stomach and tried to ride through the pain. I deserved to hurt.

“I have to go,” I said numbly, ignoring Alex’s pleas and hanging up the phone. My body shivered, begging for warmth. I didn’t deserve to be warm. I deserved to suffer, just like I made her suffer.

How long had she been in the car before she died? What if they were wrong? What if she hadn’t been killed instantly? How could they tell twelve hours later that she’d died on impact?

I pulled myself to my knees, my stomach dry-retching as bile pooled inside my mouth. I spat the sour-tasting liquid from my mouth. I ripped my pants off and tossed them aside, standing naked by the water’s edge. Slowly, I began to wade into the freezing lake. This is what I deserved. I needed to be punished, but the problem was there was no punishment in the world harsh enough to undo the damage that I had done.

“Fuck!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as the water moved past my knees. This wasn’t a lake for swimming. I knew that, but I didn’t give a fuck. With a little bit of luck I would get pulled under by one of the many potholes and drown.

I gasped as the water covered my chest. It was freezing, but at the same time I felt nothing. It was like there was no room left inside me to feel anything but the pain I felt for Belle.

Belle.

Even her name made my stomach lurch. My sweet, sweet Belle. I closed my eyes and imagined her beautiful smile and the way the arch of her nose scrunched up when she didn’t like something. I thought about how happy she had made me, and how when I was around her I felt as though I was important. She loved me unconditionally and she trusted me with every bone in her body. And I broke that.

I lowered myself into the water, allowing the wetness to engulf me completely. How long would it take for my spirit to leave my body if I held my breath under here? Had she felt anything? In the seconds before she slammed into that tree, had she known she was going to die?

Were her final thoughts about me? About how much she loved me, or about how much I had hurt her?

A sob escaped from me, causing water to gush into my mouth and up my nose. I coughed, and instinctively rose above the water, to breathe in the fresh air.

I could just imagine my father’s words if he could see me now. I couldn’t even kill myself properly, that’s how much of a failure I was. An embarrassment to the family. I was useless. Not even my own mother wanted me.

‘I can’t handle being your mother.’

What kind of mother says that? What the fuck did I ever do to her but love her? How she could just pack up and leave, just like that, I couldn’t comprehend. If my own mother despised me that much, what hope did I ever have? I was fucked from the start. Had my mother not fallen pregnant with me, she never would have married my father. He never would have broken her spirit. I remember my mother as a soft-spoken woman who let my father control her. Had she once been strong and free like Belle, before my father left her feeling worthless and capable of nothing?

“Jack.”

The voice was so soft, and at first I thought I must’ve imagined it. I looked back to the shore. I saw him: Luke. He was standing there, his arms crossed, staring out at me. From where I was, I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t need his pity. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t, not without knowing the full story, and I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t have another person hating me.

“Fuck off, Luke. Just leave me alone,” I called out. He didn’t move. He just stood there, waiting, as if he knew eventually I’d have to come back in.

“Jack. Get out of the water. Don’t do this to yourself,” he called to me.

“You don’t get it, Luke. Please, just go. I don’t want you here,” I said desperately. My body was shaking, slowly giving in to the freezing temperature of the water.

“If you don’t come out, I’m going to come in.” He unzipped his jacket and threw it on the ground to show me he was serious. I didn’t doubt for a second that he would if he thought that was the only way he could get me out of the water.