Rubbing it in, she put the sonogram stick up against my skin. The loud and furious heartbeat of our baby filled the room. I glanced at Simon, who was now by my side clutching my hand tightly. I stared at the screen trying to make out its sex on my own but I couldn’t even make out which end was the head.
"Everything looks fine," Teresa said, shaking her head in amazement. "You have a very strong baby in there, Emma," she added.
I laughed, already knowing that from the nightly boxing matches that took place in my womb. This baby was definitely going to keep me on my toes. It already got more exercise than I did.
After a check of all my obs, routine blood tests and my promise not to do anything for the rest of the day, Simon dropped me back at home. He walked me to the door, inside to the hallway, then over to the sofa, kissing me at every step as his hand wandered underneath my shirt. I giggled as he touched me, my body shivering from the chills they left in their wake.
"Don't you have to get back to work?" I laughed, squirming away so I could face him.
"I'm sure a few more minutes isn't going to make much of a difference," he murmured, fighting with the buttons on my shirt. “Besides, work isn’t nearly as interesting as this.” Swatting his hands away, I pushing him backwards toward the door, almost giving in as I caught sight of his smooth, hard chest through an open button.
"Go back to work," I ordered him, the smile remaining on my face. Simon sighed then nodded.
"See you later, I'll bring home dinner," he agreed begrudgingly but not before letting his lips taste mine again.
After he was gone, I lay down on the sofa, giving in to the sudden wave of anxiety that had washed over me. That was the real reason I’d wanted him to go. The feelings of emptiness and loss had come on suddenly and were my classic signs of a panic attack. I felt like the world was about to collapse around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
It made no sense. There was no theory behind these feelings, only that they had been getting more common since the pregnancy. Maybe it really was the hormones or the pressure of the pregnancy. Simon didn't know just how badly things were affecting me, because when I really needed to I was good at masking at least some of my feelings. Those close to me knew something was up, but not the extent of it.
I reached into my handbag and fumbled for the business card for my new psychiatrist. Taking a deep breath, I dialed the number. The few minutes waiting for him to answer were the worst. Even though I’d seen him a handful of times now, the nerves were still there, as though we were starting a relationship. Thinking about it, I guess we were. The rapport between Doctor Mellow and I had taken years to build up, before I actually felt comfortable enough to really open up. Why the hell did he have to retire? Not that traveling back regularly for appointments was a viable option anyway.
This new doctor was the polar opposite to Doctor Mellow. He was young, attractive and implored new treatment methods, whereas Doctor Mellow had been old school. Doctor Nichols also had some fashion sense, something that Doctor Mellow had definitely lacked.
"Hello, Doctor Nichols speaking." Crap. I hated being unprepared. I always had what I wanted to say ready in my mind and of course, he would answer rather than his assistant.
“Uh, it’s-this is Emma Mancelli. I need to…God, I don’t even know,” I groaned, my face flaming. Could I sound any more like a moron?
“Emma, how are you,” he chuckled, “you have an appointment next week. Did you need me to squeeze you in earlier?” he asked.
“Please,” I replied thankfully, “tomorrow if possible?” Cass was planning on coming over, so I could get her to take me down. Then maybe we could have a coffee. Gosh I almost sounded normal.
“Okay Emma, one o’clock tomorrow. Is that okay?”
“Perfect, thank you,” I replied.
I ended the call and took a deep breath. Touching my wrist, I realized I was shaking. What the hell was going on with me? I felt lightheaded and jumpy. Taking a couple of aspirin, I spread myself out on the sofa, lying on my side.
Chapter Four
Simon
It had been a long day and I was finally home and looking forward to spending some quality time with my fiancée. It still felt strange to say that, like I couldn't quite believe this amazingly, stunning woman actually said yes.
At the appointment, she had looked tired and although she tried to hide it, I could tell something was bothering her. I hated pressuring her into talking to me, but at the same time I wanted to take away every bad feeling she had and replace it with happiness and I couldn’t do that if I didn’t know what the problem was.
I walked inside, Emma was laying down on the sofa with her feet up and her hand resting casually across her stomach. The same stomach that carries our little baby who we'd nicknamed bean. Bean sounded better than referring to it as ‘it’. Emma wants to find out the sex of the baby. She can't handle surprises and after all she’s been through I don't blame her.
My reasoning is something I’d never share with her. Knowing the baby's sex gives it more of an identity and she is at such a high risk of losing bean, I don't want the loss to be any more difficult for her if it does happen. Logically I know that it’s ridiculous but emotionally, anything I can possibly do to shield her from more pain and heartache I’ll do.
I know Em worries about the pregnancy, I can see it in her eyes.
With an eighty percent chance she will lose the baby, how could she not?
Up until this point, the complications had been fairly minimal thank god. Severe morning sickness that lasted all day was commonplace during the first trimester and I've called an ambulance after she'd suffered painful cramps twice, the most recent last night. All that aside, things were going along smoothly. I know we were both feeling the pressure of waiting for something to go wrong.
Emma sat up, hearing the door close, her face lit up when she saw me her smile reaching her deep blue eyes that I could lose myself in all day. Every single day it amazed me how beautiful she was.
"I missed you," she smiled as I leaned down to kiss her. The sweet smell of her shampoo drifted through my senses. She looked so sexy lying there, what this girl saw in me, I didn't know.