So Many Reasons Why (So Many Reasons 1)

“Yeah we know. That's why we are here. When Simon is not here, we will be here. You won’t be alone.” I sighed, realising just how much I didn’t want this. Something clicked over in my brain. At that point I think I realised I didn't want to be any more of a prisoner than I already was. Were people going to shadow me, day and night?

“Guys. I appreciate your concern, really I do. But I don't want to be suffocated.” Oops, I could tell my Cass's expression she was hurt by my words. “Let me try to explain. Yes, I had a panic attack last night, but who wouldn't? Now that I have calmed down, and I can think clearly, it's ridiculous. All of it.” I threw my hands up.

Two very confused faces peered down at me. This wasn't going to plan. If I couldn't convince these two, what hope in hell did I have of convincing my mom? And Simon?

“Derek is not out on a holiday.” I stated. “He is out permanently. Forever. Are you guys going to shadow me for the next sixty years? And the likelihood of him coming after me? I mean come on. Am I living in an episode of Criminal Minds?” Neither of them looked convinced, but I could see I was starting to get through to them.

“Cass, you've said to me I need to get out of the house, and why? Because I cannot control what might happen.” I glanced at Tom. “You've said the same thing. And you were right. You're both right.” I walked over to the window. It was very overcast, the streets deserted. “If this is my life, I might as well die.” Cass gasped and raced over to me.

“Don't you even joke about that!”

“Who's joking?” I replied, stretching out my arms behind my back. I paced the length of the window. “What's the point? If I am moving backwards instead of forward, what’s the point? I can't control what happens to me. I mean for fucks sake, if he really wanted to get to me, he could, no matter how much protection I have.”

Neither Tom, nor Cass spoke. Neither was ready to agree, but neither could argue with my logic. We all knew it was true.

“Simon won’t allow this you know.”

I laughed humorously. “That's why I am not going to tell him. As far as he knows, when he is not here, one of you two are, okay?” Cass opened her mouth, then shut it. She

shrugged her shoulders. “Same goes for my parents.” I warned. Tom cursed.

“This is bullshit. Have you stopped to think how we would feel if something happened and we weren't here to help?

“Have you considered how I would feel if something happened to you because of me?” I shot back.

“Fine. Okay.” He relented. His shoulders slumped forward, a strand of his hair falling over his right eye. I glanced at Cass who was staring at him. I smiled in spite of myself.

“Something funny?” Tom raised his eyes. I shook my head.

“Nope, nothing at all. Now, I love you two, but can you please get out of my apartment. Go and get a drink together.” I pushed them both toward the door, not taking no for an answer. Cass glared at me, annoyed at the drink suggestion. “Just go. Call me tomorrow.”

I shut the door on them before they could respond.

Dr Mellow sat on my couch drinking a coffee. Someone had felt the need to organise a last minute appointment, and it wasn’t me. My money was on mom. Or maybe Simon. Not that I really cared. I wasn’t in the mood to be talking about Derek.

“Emma?” I glanced up from my thoughts, embarrassed that I had completely missed his question. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel okay, considering. Last night I was a mess, but I’ve thought about it, and I’ve had time to digest things now. I’m not going to let him run my life.” Doctor Mellow raised his eyebrows.

“How are you going to stop him? Isn’t he already running your life?” He raised his cup to his mouth. That was true. Derek did run my life, as he had for the last ten years.

“I’m working on it. I can answer the door without feeling like I’m going to pass out.” I smiled mischievously. “I had sex on the balcony last week.” Seeing Doctor Mellow blush made me giggle.

“I guess that is progress, Emma.” Doctor Mellow said dryly. He looked thoughtful. “This boyfriend of yours. He seems to be helping you get yourself back.” It was true. I’d changed so much since meeting Simon.

“He does help me. But it’s more than that. I think I am finally beginning to get that things will happen regardless of whether I lock myself away. Staying in this house doesn’t make me immune from pain. Or hurt.” I wiped away a stray tear. “Knowing this is one thing though. Implementing it is a whole other story.”

Doctor Mellow patted me on the back. “You’ll get there Emma.”

Chapter Twenty

I waited a good ten minutes before opening the front door. I wouldn't have put it past them to set up camp outside my front door. I'm sure the neighbours would have loved that. I focused on the wallpaper in the hallway. I was safe. I could do this. I needed to do this. Gingerly, I stepped out of the comfort of my home. I left the door open. I felt better knowing the door was open and ready for me. My heart was racing. I thought of Simon, and how much faith he had in me. In his eyes, I was everything.

“Come on Em, deep breaths.” I pushed myself to take the next step. I was clutching onto the wall frame, but it didn't matter.

I was outside of my home, by myself. I focused on the elevator. Exactly eleven steps away. I concentrated on my breathing and took another step. I tried to block all the negative thoughts trying to bang their way into my head. I took a third step. I was struggling to breathe. My airway felt narrower than a straw. If I didn't calm down, I was going to pass out.

I steadied myself against the wall, and turned back toward my apartment. I crawled along the wall, on the verge of hyperventilating. Stop it Em. Focus on taking each step. You can do this.