“Move on? What do you mean?” I asked, his words finally hitting me.
Alex paused, his face tensing. His dark eyes flickered as he dipped his spoon into the ice cream.
“Alex? Come on. Darcy said something similar, but then she wouldn't elaborate.” I tried to hide my frustration.
Why did I feel as though I was running in circles?
“Back in London, Jack was a bit of a playboy. He was cocky as hell, had a new woman every night . . . his longest relationship was like a week, and that was back in high school. Then he met this girl.” He turned to me, his eyes catching my own. “She completely changed him. I'd never seen my brother so smitten with a woman. Even from across the world I could see it. He fell hard for her, then he lost her.”
“She left him?” I asked, my heart pounding.
Alex shook his head. “She died,” he explained. “Jack blamed himself. He still does. That's why he is the way he is. Anyone can see how he feels about you, but he’s terrified of taking that step.”
Wow.
This was nothing like I had imagined. There was so much I didn't know about him, and as much as the chemistry was there, maybe our backgrounds were too similar for us to have ever worked anyway.
“I—I don't know what to say,” I stammered softly. I ran my hands through my hair, untangling the knots that had formed. That’s what I got for not brushing it properly this morning. “I don't know why you’re even telling me this. I get that you love your brother, but you know me. You know all about my problems. How can you think that's what Jack needs?”
I was angry. It had been much easier to deal with when Jack was just another asshole who couldn't commit. I didn't need to know all this because all I felt now was the realization that I was the epitome of everything that was bad for him.
“Why am I telling you this? Because I see the way you look at him. It’s the same way he looks at you.” Confusion clouded his face. “What's wrong, Rose? I thought hearing this might help you. I thought knowing Jack's past might help you see you can’t give up on him just yet.”
“Don't you get it?” I cried, jumping up. “All you've done is make me realize that I'm not what he needs. He needs stability, not some suicidal head case of a chick. You think he's going to want to be with me when he hears about my issues? His last girlfriend died, Alex! Why the fuck would he risk going through all that again for someone like me?”
“For someone like you?” Alex repeated, his voice harsh. “You are amazing, Rose. Quit acting like you have nothing to live for and find something that makes you feel alive!”
His voice came out as a soft growl. He was standing now, his eyes level with mine, staring so deeply into them that I felt as though he could see and feel every one of my emotions.
“Is Jack that guy? Does being with him make you feel like time could stand still and you wouldn't notice? When he kisses you, do you feel it through every part of your being, from the tips of your fingers to the little hairs on the back of your neck? When you’re not with him, are you thinking about him? Dammit Rose! Don't you see how special that is?”
I stumbled back, almost losing my balance.
Alex shot up and took hold of my arm, balancing me, as I fell back down onto the sofa with his arms still around me. He was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek, but I didn't dare look at him. In spite of all my efforts not to cry I could feel the tears beginning to roll down my cheeks.
“I . . . I don't know. Yes, I'm falling in love with him, but that's just not enough.” I turned to Alex. “I don't know if Jack is enough,” I repeated. By now I was sobbing—big loud sobs that would rival those from a baby.
“Isn't it worth trying?” he asked gently.
“Not if it breaks Jack a second time. Alex, you know better than I do that my problems aren't going to be fixed with a relationship. What if . . . I don't know, what if six months down the road I attempt suicide again? Hell, what if I'm successful? Do you really think your brother could handle another dead girlfriend?” I asked, my voice breaking.
Alex didn't answer. His fingers gently stroked my shoulder. I buried my face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around me. For the first time in years, I let someone comfort me as I cried
.
“I'm sorry Rose. I didn't think about it from your point of view. I'm sorry if I came across as aggressive. The last thing I wanted to do was make you cry. Do you want me to go?” he asked. I shook my head. Strangely enough, I didn't want to be alone right now. Who knows, maybe that was progress?
#
I opened my eyes and took a moment to adjust to my surroundings. I was lying on the couch. Arms covered my shoulders. Strong arms. Smooth olive skin.
I ran my finger down the length of the mystery arm, right to the tip of the finger. Slowly, I turned. Alex lay behind me, sprawled out. He was still asleep. His lips were slightly open and a tiny patch of drool stained the edge of his mouth. I smiled at how cute he looked.
He must have stayed all night. I didn't remember much, past our conversation about Jack. In fact, I was pretty sure I fell asleep shortly after that. The thought of Alex comforting me, holding me as I slept, sent a thrill down my spine. It was a feeling I didn't expect, and one that confused me. Because that's what I needed right now—more confusion.
I wormed my way out of his grasp, careful not to wake him. He stirred, but remained sleeping. Tiptoeing over to the kitchen, I opened the fridge to survey the breakfast options. Bacon and eggs it was, then. Quietly, I got to work. I put on the frying pan and lined the slices of bacon around the edge of it. I listened to the sound of it sizzling, and popped some bread in the toaster, and put on a pot of coffee. The aroma of crisping bacon filled the air. My stomach began to rumble, punishing me for missing dinner last night.
When I cracked the eggs into the center of the pan, they sizzled as they hit the heat. I glanced over to see Alex was awake and sitting up.