I push the chair back and stand up. My heart races as I pace the kitchen. So many emotions course through my veins, each contradicting the one before. I feel devastated that I’m losing Aiden. I feel guilt both ways—for betraying Aiden and for my feelings for Max. How can I be falling in love with someone when I put so much of myself into my relationship with Aiden?
Tilly walks into the kitchen, her wide eyes peering up at me. “What’s wrong, Mommy?” she asks.
I crouch down in front of her, wrapping my arms around her tiny waist. “Nothing, baby, just some sad news. Can you be a good girl and go put your jacket on? We have to go to the hospital.”
“To see Daddy?” she asks, her lip trembling.
My heart breaks as tears begin to roll down her cheeks. I nod. “We have to say goodbye to Daddy, okay? He’s going to a better place, where he can feel well again.”
“And give hugs?” she asks hopefully.
I lift my finger to her cheek and wipe away a tear. “Yes, honey. You have to be a brave girl for me. Can you do that?” I ask, smiling through my own tears.
She nods, her little face determined. “Don’t worry, Mommy. It’ll be okay.”
I watch her disappear down the hall, my silent tears giving way to sobs. I hear Ellie knock on the door and then let herself in. She races over to me, her eyes full of concern.
“Shh, it’s okay, Kee,” she soothes, pulling me into her arms.
“Is it?” I ask between sobs. “Because it doesn’t feel okay.”
She holds me, not saying anything else as I struggle to figure out how to feel. It’s stupid, but a small part of me feels responsible—like maybe Heather was right. Maybe I didn’t visit enough, or show him how I felt about him.
Those first few months after the accident were the worst. Those days, I was still convinced he was going to recover. I clung to the hope because if I didn’t believe that one day he’d wake up, what else did I have?
We pull up outside the hospital. My hands fidget in my lap and I’m struggling to find the will to move. My legs don’t want to work, and Ellie is quick to notice my reluctance to get out of the car.
“How about you go and see him first?” she asks, her voice soft. “I can take Tilly to the cafeteria for a drink.”
I nod. It’s a good plan. If I can prepare myself, then maybe I can help Tilly get through this too. I lean over the backseat and give Tilly a smile.
“Ellie’s going to take you for a hot cocoa and then she’ll bring you back to Mommy, okay?”
Tilly nods, her eyes wide with fear in such a way that breaks my heart. She doesn’t want to be away from me, but even at the tender age of five she somehow knows it’s something she needs to do.
I walk inside and over to the elevators, a walk I’ve done many times before. I enter the elevator alone and make my way up to intensive care. The doors open and I step out, a familiar feeling of dread hitting me when I see those two huge gray doors. The last time I went through them was shortly after the accident.
Wiping my sweaty palms on the sides of my jeans, I take a deep breath and force myself to walk.
One foot in front of the other. Just breathe. Keep breathing.
My internal pep talk is doing something because I can feel more air entering my lungs. Focusing on something as simple as breathing is a distraction I need. I press the green buzzer and the gray doors swing open.
The intensive care ward has a distinct smell of it’s own. I can’t place what it is exactly. Maybe it’s a mixture of things. Disinfectant. Illness…death.
My legs feel like they’re made of jelly as I walk down the narrow corridor. I’m about to ask about Aiden at the nurses’ station when I see him. My heart jumps. Covered in tubes, he looks worse than I’ve seen him look since the days following the accident.
Grabbing hold of
my jacket, I tighten it around me, a shiver running up my back. Heather sits next to him, and Jim next to her. Both have been crying, given away by their puffy, tear-stained eyes. Jim looks up and smiles at me. He leans over and whispers something to Heather, who also looks up. She nods, and they rise from their seats.
Swallowing hard, I walk over, forcing a smile onto my face.
“We’ll give you some time alone with him,” Heather says. She sounds defeated, as though she has no fight left in her. I reach out and take her hand, giving it a light squeeze. Her eyebrows rise, as if she’s shocked by my gesture.
“Tilly is in the cafeteria with Ellie,” I say. “I wanted her to have the chance to…” My voice breaks off. I can’t finish the sentence because it carries so much meaning. My heart screams at the thought of losing him forever, but at the same time, the thought brings relief. And I hate that. I hate that so much.
Heather and Jim wander toward the exit. For a moment I just stand there, unsure of what to do next. I know I need to go over there and be with him, but doing that signals that this is all ending.