I was in deep fucking shit, no matter what my next move was.
As I walked through the doorway at Childerdale, I forced myself to forget everything. Leave it all outside, Coop, because that shit’s not going anywhere. Spend some time with Mom, and try to clear your head.
“Hey Lucy,” I said, walking to the desk to sign in. I’d needed to get away from my own mind and get out of the apartment, and I decided visiting Mom was the best way to do that.
Lucy froze, a blush creeping across her cheeks.
“Uh, Coop.” She averted her eyes, looking anywhere but at me. “Real busy today, gotta go.” She dashed off down the hall, leaving me standing alone at the desk, trying to figure out what the fuck that was all about.
I walked down to Mom’s room. She was sitting out of bed in her chair, looking through a magazine. I knocked lightly on the door. She looked up and smiled.
“Can I help you?” she asked.
“Mom, it’s Liam.” I walked over, sitting down on the bed as she looked me up and down, confused. “Your son. Liam,” I repeated gently.
She smiled and shook her head. “I’m sorry, honey, but I don’t have any kids. Not yet, anyway. I’m only recently married.” Her brown eyes blinked back at me. “My husband should be here for me any minute.”
“Maybe I could wait with you,” I said softly.
She laughed and nodded. I had never fed her delusions, until today. Today I couldn’t handle seeing the pain in her eyes. Just this once, I wanted to see my mother happy.
“Can I get you a drink?” She glanced down at the two empty cups on her table. “I, uh . . . I’m not sure . . . “ her voice trailed off as she became lost in her confusion.
“I’m fine,” I assured her. Inside, my heart was breaking. Was I being selfish, trying to prolong Mom’s life when she spent more time than not in a state of confusion? Never had I really considered what she must go through when she didn’t remember. Having to be constantly reminded that the love of your life was dead must have been heartbreaking.
What if everything I was doing for Mom was really for me, protecting myself from my fear of letting her go?
I stayed with Mom for another hour, listening to her stories of her husband and their newfound life together. Before I left she thanked me, and told me she hoped I found my mother. I smiled, swallowing the lump in my throat as I blinked back tears.
As soon as I got back to my car, I texted Beth.
Can I talk to you? Do you mind if I come over?
She texted back almost immediately.
Sure
Starting the car, I headed for Beth’s apartment on the Upper East Side, not far from my own. I’d been to her house a few times over the last year. She lived in the penthouse of a forty-level building that overlooked the shopping district.
I parked outside and walked over to the door, pressing her number into the intercom. After she buzzed me up, I walked down to the elevator and pressed level forty.
Beth was waiting for me when the elevator opened, concern etched into her face. Her arms crossed over her chest as she ushered me inside.
“Sit down and I’ll get you a water,” she ordered.
Nodding numbly, I walked over to the sofa and planted myself down on the soft beige leather. I thanked her as I took the water from her, taking a sip.
“You look like shit, Coop.”
“Thanks,” I muttered dryly.
“So, I’m guessing you know,” she said sympathetically, her eyes gazing at me with sympathy.
My head snapped up. “Huh? Know what?” I asked, confused.
Beth’s mouth dropped open as she realized she’d just put her foot in it. “Oh, crap. I thought that’s why you were here,” she said, her voice uneasy.
“What are you talking about?” I cut in, frustrated and anxious.