Prologue
Lucas
“What the fuck do you want?” I mutter. My mouth falls into a scowl as he crouches down beside me. He reaches for the half-burned cigarette I’m rolling between my fingers and runs it along the concrete step beneath him.
“That shit will kill you.”
“As if you give a damn,” I scoff.
His head snaps in my direction, but I don’t look at him because it hurts too much. I’ve coped without him for the last twelve years and I’ll do just fine without him in my life now.
“Why are you even here? It’s not like you cared about either of us. You made it perfectly clear that you want nothing to do with me the last time we saw each other.”
He sighs and reaches for the tie hanging around his neck. He yanks it roughly until it loosens. “Lucas—”
“What?” I challenge. “What could you possibly have to say that I’d want to hear? That you’re sorry? That you feel bad for me? Or that you want to help me?” I get to my feet, my hands balled into fists beside me, and face him. “I don’t need your help, Dad.”
I walk inside the church and don’t look back. Inside, I search the room for Lacey, sighing when I spot her at the front, beside the casket. I walk up, ignoring the pitying looks of people I don’t really know: my grandmother’s bridge partners, her tennis friends, our neighbours—people who wanted one last chance to say goodbye to Gran.
“Hey,” Lace says when I reach her. She wraps her arms around me, her long dark hair cascading around her shoulders.
I embrace her, resting my chin on the crest of her shoulder. She smells sweet, like fairy floss and lemonade, and in her arms is the only place I feel anything right now.
She’s the only person I have left, and I’m terrified of losing her too.
“Where did you go?” she asks, her voice soft. Her blue eyes look at me, but not with pity. She’s concerned about me and I love her for that.
“Just needed some fresh air,” I mumble.
“Is that why you smell like a cigarette factory?” she gently chastises me.
I give her a look and she smiles.
“I know. You get today off.” She hesitates, wetting her lips before meeting my gaze again. “I’m worried about you, Lucas.”
“Don’t be,” I say, managing a smile. “I’m pretty resilient. It takes more than this to crush my spirit.”
“I know how much she meant to you,” Lace says. She reaches up and touches my face. “I know this isn’t much, but at least she isn’t suffering anymore.”
I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat. I know she’s right, but the selfish part of me would still have her here, in pain, beside me. She was more of a mother to me than my own mother. She practically raised me. I put on a brave face, but the truth is I don’t know how I’m going to manage without her.
Everyone I love ends up leaving me. Everyone I let close to me suffers, and then pays the ultimate price. What’s the point of letting people in if it ends in suffering? It doesn’t make any sense. If there’s no reward, then why bother?
I pull Lacey close and kiss her forehead. She is my whole world, and the one person I’d do anything to protect. Even if it means sacrificing my own happiness, I’ll keep her safe. If that means keeping her at a distance, then that’s how it has to be. I press my nose against her long dark hair and breathe. This is as close as I’ll ever let her get and it kills me.
But, it’s a small price to pay to know that she’ll always be around.
Chapter One
Lacey
“I’ve never met anyone who is so blind to their lack of ability to carry a tune.”
Narrowing my eyes, I turn to Lucas and raise my middle finger, not missing a beat of the John Lennon song I’m singing. He chuckles and narrows his chocolate brown eyes in amusement as he reaches forward and switches the car radio off.
“Hey,” I cry out, swatting his arm. I push my long dark hair back over my shoulder and glower at him. “I was listening to that.”
“No,” he corrects, arching an eyebrow. He turns his attention back to driving. He rubs his jaw and lets out a husky chuckle. “You were ruining it. You can desecrate the memory of John Lennon in your own time, okay? Now, are you going to help me or not?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?” I grumble, annoyed at his ability to kill my mood. “I don’t make it a habit to get up this early on a Sunday morning. Why are we doing this, anyway?”
“I told you, the only way they’ll let me make up my grade is to do some stupid project with Sara Bonner.” He shrugs as if nearly failing engineering is no big deal, and pulls into the parking lot of the physics department.
It’s ten o’clock on Sunday morning, and not surprisingly we are one of only a few cars in the entire lot of Sydney University, the campus where we are both students. I’m in my final year of a double degree in criminology and psychology, and Lucas is in his last year of an engineering degree. As much as I enjoy my classes, going out of my way to attend school on the weekend is not my idea of a good time, though some people—namely Lucas—would argue that.
We climb out of the car and begin the short trek across the grounds to the main entrance of the university. At least helping Lucas has gotten me out of seeing my family. Today is my parents’ anniversary, and to celebrate they’ve gone all out in planning a huge party. When I told them I couldn’t make it they were more concerned with how that was going to look to their friends, rather than the fact that they haven’t seen me in two months. That pretty much sums up my relationship with them. For as long as I can remember, they’ve only cared about what everyone else thinks. There was a time when that really upset me, but moving away from home for university was a pivotal moment in helping me accept that my parents are never going to change.
Four years ago, the thought of leaving my friends and family to travel halfway across the country to go to college terrified me. As much as we have our differences, my parents are the only family I have. I guess that’s why I spent so long trying to please them. Only nothing is ever good enough for one of the country’s most prolific criminal attorneys, or his wife, so why keep trying?
Nowadays, I focus on myself, my grades, and the people who actually care about me. Everything else takes a back seat.
“I don’t get why your marks are so bad,” I say, not letting it drop. “If you spent a quarter of the time focused on passing class that you did chasing skirts, you’d be fine.”
“Chasing skirts?” He chortles. “How old are you, sixty?” The laughter in his eyes contradicts his annoyed tone. “I’ve coped fine without a mother for the last ten years, Lacey. I don’t need one now. Why do you care so much, anyway? I’m not an idiot. I’ll get the grade I need to pass.”
“Because you’re capable of doin
g so much more than just the minimum,” I respond. It’s a conversation we have regularly, and each time I get more and more frustrated. “And stop playing the dead mother card.”
“It’s a card now?” he chuckles, his mouth lifting into a crooked grin. “I don’t know whether to be annoyed or impressed that it no longer works on you.”
“Because I know you too well, idiot. You only ever talk about it when you want something, and that makes it a card,” I retort.
As much as I love Lucas, sometimes he annoys the hell out of me. He laughs everything off as a joke when I know it’s just to cover how he’s really feeling. Nobody goes through what he has without some serious emotional damage occurring. I’m the closest person to him and sometimes I still feel so far away from seeing who he really is.
I groan and shade the sunlight from my eyes. I reach into my handbag and pull out a hair tie, wrapping it around my hair. “I should still be asleep. I don’t even know how you roped me into this. I’m such a good friend.”
He lets out a howl as he reaches over and shoves me playfully. “Have you forgotten how many times I’ve rescued your sorry arse from the dates from hell that Ariel has tried to set you up on?”
“Well, when you put it like that…”
I begrudgingly admit he might be onto something. Our friend and my roommate, Ariel, means well, but the girl is obsessed with finding me a man. The problem is, I have little interest in being in a relationship. Not that she’ll ever accept that. It’s impossible for her to understand that maybe I don’t want a guy. She can’t understand why someone could possibly want to spend all their time studying. A pass is good enough for her, so what’s the point in putting in more effort than the minimum? Thankfully, her views on friendships are just the opposite. I’ve never known anyone more loyal and supportive of their friends—with the exception of Lucas. I know he’d do anything for me.