Conflicted

“Careful,” he murmurs. His eyes lock onto mine. “What do you see?”

It takes me a second to realize he’s not talking about himself, but the stunning view behind us. My breath catches in my throat as I stare out at the city in the distance. I’m speechless, and still confused as ever why he brought me here.

“It’s beautiful,” I say, finally finding my voice. I sink to the ground, taking everything in. “But I don’t understand.”

He sits beside me, his legs bent, his arm resting on his knees.

“I know what today is for you.”

I look sharply at him.

“The anniversary of Allie’s death.”

“You know about that?” I reply. My voice shakes. How would he even know that? That wouldn’t even show up in a background check.

“It wasn’t that hard to work out. It’s was a high profile case. You have the same last name, and when I realized who your father was, I put it all together.” He stares at me through hooded eyes before continuing. “You’ve been away with the fairies all morning and I realized why,” he speaks softly. He looks up and takes in the view, not speaking for a moment. “This place is where my wife killed herself and my daughter.”

My heart stops beating. I stare at him, shocked and unable to speak. I can’t even begin to understand what must be going through his head. A thousand questions bounce around in my mind, yet I

can’t pinpoint one to ask.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper. My voice shakes as I force the words out of my mouth. What else can I say? My heart aches for him, but I know there are no words to fix this. “What happened?” I say, my voice soft.

“It happened a long time ago. She wasn’t well, my wife. I spent years blaming myself, and hating her for what she did. I threw myself into my work to try and numb the pain.” He lets out a gravelly laugh. “It’s amazing what heartache can do for your career.”

“How old was your daughter?” I whisper. I brush away a single tear that has made its way down my cheek. He smiles at me through glassy eyes.

“Seven.” He picks up a twig from the ground and crushes it between his fingers. “Her name was Laurie.”

“I’m so sorry,” I repeat. I’m at a loss for words, because nothing I say will mean anything. “Was she your only child?” I ask.

“I have a son, too, but we don’t speak.” He glances up, squinting into the bright sunlight. “I wasn’t exactly the best father to my kids. I let them down more times than I care to admit, and after Laurie died, things got worse.”

“It’s never too late to try and fix things,” I say.

Cringing, I want to kick myself, because it is too late. It’s too late for Laurie. My words hang in the air as neither of us speak, until finally I clear my throat.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“Because I wanted to show you that beauty can be found in even the most horrific, tragic circumstances,” he says. His dark eyes flash with pain. “Sometimes life just plain sucks. There’s always going to be things you wish you could change, or things you wish you could do. The key is to not live with regrets.”

He can’t know it, but he’s describing me perfectly. All I ever do is hold myself back.

I stare out ahead of me, his words sinking in. Find something good. What good could possibly be found in Allie’s death? Or Lucas rejecting me? Or Aaron losing his wife and daughter? Pain is everywhere and there’s nothing that can be done to fix it. How is that okay? Life can be cruel, and no amount of soul-searching is going to change that.

“Why psychology?”

I turn to him. “What?”

“Why did you choose psychology?” he asks patiently.

“Because I want to understand why people do what they do,” I say, after thinking about it.

“You wanted an explanation for what happened to your cousin.”

I shrug. “I guess.”

“You’re never going to find it, Lacey. You’re searching for answers that just aren’t there. The human mind is too complex to figure out.”