Conflicted

I stiffen. In the years I’ve known him, what happened to him before we met is something he’s kept very close to his heart. I didn’t know much, but I knew it had to be pretty serious.

“I had a sister. She was fifteen months younger than me.”

Had. Had means no longer. I wait nervously for him to continue. My heart aches for him. That’s tough for any kid. And to have a father who was not around… I swallow, my throat like sandpaper. I can’t imagine the Aaron I know being like that.

“My mum was pretty sick,” he continues. “She had some serious mental health issues, and she was heroin dependent. She used to physically and emotionally abuse us. I’d do my best to take her attention off Laurie, so I wore most of it. But she still copped more than she should have.”

“Oh Lucas,” I whisper. Laurie. Oh God, no. His connection to Aaron’s wife and daughter hadn’t even occurred to me. How could that slip my mind? Tears sting my eyes as I climb into his arms. He hugs me close.

“Mum hooked up with this guy who made her look like mother of the year. I thought life was bad before him, but I had no idea.” He laughs, but there’s no humour in his voice. “I’d get Laurie out of there as much as I could. I was determined to run away with her. I even got a part-time job delivering newspapers so I could save up enough to support us both for a while.” He stops and kisses the top of my head, his arms tightly curled around me. “One day, I was late home to look after Laurie. She told Mum’s boyfriend, who decided I needed to be taught a lesson. So he punched the shit out of me. He broke three of my ribs, and if that wasn’t enough, stole my savings to use on drugs.”

“I can’t even imagine...” My voice trails off as my heart breaks for him.

“I was in hospital for a week. I overheard a nurse say child services were going to ‘look into it’, but Mum was an awesome liar when she needed to be.” He shrugs, a faraway look in his eyes as he continues. “The next day, Laurie came into my room, begging me to take her away. I was still pissed that she ratted me out, so I told her to leave me alone.”

My heart begins to race, because I know how the story is going to end. I close my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks as I imagine I’m back at the lookout with Aaron. How did I not see the connection between them earlier? How could I have not picked up on the two of them being related?

“She drove off the face of a cliff, after loading Laurie with drugs. I suppose the positive is that Laurie wouldn’t have felt anything. She’d have been unconscious before the car hit the air. The police told me that I was supposed to be in the car too. They found some notes scrawled in her drawer, outlining her plans, or something.”

Oh God, no. What kind of a mother would do that?

I straighten up and lean his head against my chest, kissing his forehead over and over. I wish I could take away all his pain, but I can’t. I wish he could’ve told me earlier. I’m confused as to why he didn’t. What good was it doing keeping all those emotions locked up?

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” I mumble.

“Because I blamed myself,” he says, shrugging. “I still do. And I was sure anyone who knew would blame me too.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” I say. “You were a kid who did everything he could for his sister. What your mum did was horrible and unthinkable, but you weren’t responsible for her actions.”

He doesn’t reply, but I can tell I haven’t convinced him.

I hesitate, so many questions whirling around my head. “I still struggle to believe Aaron is your dad,” I mumble, shaking my head.

“He was never there for us. I know part of that was my mother’s fault. She did everything she could to keep him away from us. But he has to be responsible for his part in it. He should have tried harder. Instead he gave up on us.”

His voice is raw and full of emotion. Talking about this is tearing him apart, and all I can do is sit here and watch.

“After Laurie and Mum died, I was sure he was going to come back for me.” He takes a moment before he continues. “For weeks I expected him to walk through the door. I’d have forgiven him for everything in a second if he did, because all I needed was someone on my side. I never felt more alone than I did in those first few weeks.”

“So what happened? You went to live with your grandmother?” This all happened a year before I met him. I can’t fathom how hard it must have been for him. As if he hadn’t been through enough.

He nods. “My father’s mother. She and Aaron never got along. She said they clashed because they were both too headstrong.” He laughs harshly. “I wouldn’t know. I never knew him well enough to know anything about him. He made sure of that.”

“He never tried to contact you?” I ask.

“Once. At Gran’s funeral.”

My eyes widen. “He was there?” I think back to that day. How could I not have seen him? Guilt washes through me. Lucas had been going through all of this alone. Where the hell was I? I’m supposed to be his friend.

“Outside. I made sure you didn’t see him. I didn’t want to have to explain everything to you.” He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck, clearly exhausted. I don’t blame him. It’s been a huge day. “It’s getting late,” he says.

He gets to his feet, pulling me up with him.

“I’m really sorry for everything, Lace. I hope we can get through this and still be friends. I can’t even think about you not being in my life.” He wraps his arms around me. “You’re the only reason I got through the last fifteen years.”

“I’ll always be your friend,” I promise him. My heart aches. Because I want more. I wrap my arms around him, my face buried in his neck, not wanting to let him go. If there was ever any doubt of how I felt about him, this second removed it all. I don’t want to just be friends. I want everything.

“Lucas…” I whisper. The words catch in my throat.