Breaking Noah

Am I falling for him? I’m constantly thinking about him, wanting to be with him, relishing his touch, smiling like a fool when his name shows up on my phone…Yeah, falling for him sounds about right.

Finally realizing my real issue, it’s almost too much to handle. I have to find a way out of this. Just to escape him for a moment. If I tell him I want to leave, he’ll only force me to stay. So I’m going to just have to wait and bide my time until the opportunity’s right for me to sneak away.

I sneak out his front door while he’s in the shower, leaving a scribbled note on the kitchen counter: Something came up. Will call you later. Z

I’m confused as hell after last night. I hate this guy…don’t I?

My phone vibrates. I check the screen and see a new message from Mel.

Mel: Hey! Wanna catch up for dinner?

Me: Sure, just tell me where and when.

I press send, a twinge of guilt rippling through my body. I feel so bad. My only motivation for meeting up with her again is to find out why Heather reacted the way she did. I’m sure she knows something, and I’m determined to find out what it is.

Mel: How about Razabel’s at seven?

Me: Great, I’ll be to class soon, see you in a sec.

I manage to drag myself to class even though I’d rather stay home and not face Noah after my vanishing act earlier, but I can’t screw around. Yes, I have a purpose for being here, but it’s not just one reason. After all is said and done, I want things from my life and the only way to get them is through my education.

So, I sit in my seat, my sweater hood pulled over my head. I ignore everyone except for Mel, who I quietly chat with about our plans for this evening. Fifteen minutes before Noah’s class is dismissed, I rise from my seat and run out the door, ignoring him calling after me. I need space. I need truth.

—

Razabel’s is a trendy little restaurant just up the street from the diner and opposite the gym. From our table near the front window, I can actually see the entrance to the gym. I find myself staring at it, wondering if I’ll see Noah. What’s he doing tonight? I haven’t heard from him since I left his place this morning.

We talk about classes, work, and families. I wait the right amount of time before I bring up her sister’s reaction, because I don’t want to appear too eager.

“So, your sister went to Northwestern, too?” I ask casually.

“She graduated last year.” She hesitates before adding, “Sorry she was a bit weird before. It’s just she…well, she was friends with your cousin.”

I nearly choke on my drink. Here I am trying to figure out a way to work Karly into the conversation organically, and she’s just done it for me.

“You know about Karly?” I say. I shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone would’ve known that she killed herself. It was whether they knew why that I was interested in.

“Yeah.” She glances down, her body language uncomfortable. “Sorry, I didn’t know whether to mention it or not…but I figured if we’re going to be friends we should be honest with each other, right?”

Her smile is so genuine I feel that same pang of guilt tug at me. What am I doing to this poor girl? Is all this worth it just to find out what she knows? Only I already know the answer to that is yes. I haven’t thought about anything other than Karly for the last year, and I wouldn’t until Noah paid for what he did to her.

“Right.” I smile. “So, your sister knew Karly?”

She nods again. “Yeah, they were pretty good friends. It hit Heather really hard when she…after she…” Her voice trails off as pink flushes her cheeks. She’s trying so hard to spare my feelings. Hearing how affected Heather was after Karly’s death really hits home. It’s so easy to forget that other people were hurt by her death. Not just me. She wasn’t just my cousin, or just my best friend. She was so many different things to so many people.

Talking about Karly so much tonight has really done a number on me. I can’t think straight. With my emotions all over the place, I know better than to try to drive home. With purpose, I head down the sidewalk, no destination, really, just mindlessly walking.

The rain starts off light, a few sprinkles here and there, and then the thunder booms and the lightning cracks across the sky. As if the heavens have opened and are shedding all the tears I’ve held back, the heaviest downpour I’ve ever seen blazes down on me.

I look to the sky, not caring that I’m getting soaked, and beg for answers, plead for this massive wrong to be righted somehow. Determined to do my best to assist the universe in correcting this injustice, my direction becomes clearer as I near Noah’s apartment.

I’m not even sure if he’s here. I didn’t bother to check the parking lot for his car, and my phone might not work anymore, either. I’m thoroughly soaked to the core. Stopping outside his door, I take a deep breath, knock three times, and as I wait to see if he’s home, I begin wringing the water out of my hair.

The next time I look up, Noah’s blue eyes bore into me, confusion and pity flashing across his face, because he pulls me inside and into his warm, waiting arms. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t relish his touch. It was caring—loving, even—like he was determined to care for me even if he didn’t know me very well.

I can see how Karly could have fallen into this trap. How she’d be so willing to be with him, to the point that she would become pregnant with his child. She trusted him.

I trust him. I don’t want to, but I do.