What do you mean? He sat down across from me. Explain.
I'm going to a desert place. I've figured a way to end it, I think. This is not a simple matter at all.
Why do you want to do that?
Don't want to be alive anymore. That part is simple enough. I don't look forward to death the way you do. It isn't that. Tonight I- I stopped. I saw the old woman in her neat bed, in her flowered robe, against the quilted nylon. Then I saw that strange brown-haired man watching me, the one who had come to me on the beach and given me the story which I still had, crammed inside my coat.
Meaningless. You come too late, whoever you are.
Why bother to explain
I saw Claudia suddenly as if she were standing there in some other realm, staring at me, waiting for me to see her. How clever that our minds can invoke an image so seemingly real. She might as well have been right there by David's desk in the shadows. Claudia, who had forced her long knife through my chest. I'll put you in your coffin forever, Father. But then I saw Claudia ail the time now, didn't I I saw Claudia in dream after dream . . .
Don't do this, David said.
It's tune, David, I whispered, thinking in a vague and distant way how disappointed Marius would be.
Had David heard me Perhaps my voice had been too soft. Some small crackling sound came from the fire, a bit of kindling collapsing perhaps or sap still moist and sizzling within the huge log. I saw that cold bedchamber in my boyhood home again, and suddenly, I had my arm around one of those big dogs, those lazy loving dogs. To see a wolf slay a dog is monstrous!
I should have died that day. Not even the best of hunters should be able to slay a pack of wolves. And maybe that was the cosmic error. I'd been meant to go, if indeed there is any such continuity, and in overreaching, had caught the devil's eye. Wolf killer. The vampire Magnus had said it so lovingly, as he had carried me to his lair.
David had sunk back in the chair, putting one foot absently on the fender, and his eyes were fixed on the flames. He was deeply distressed, even a little frantic, though he held it inside very well.
Won't it be painful? he asked, looking at me.
Just for a moment, I didn't know what he meant. Then I remembered.
I gave a little laugh.
I came to say good-bye to you, to ask you if you're certain about your decision. It seemed somehow the right thing to tell you I was going, and that this would be your last chance. It seemed sporting, actually. You follow me Or do you think it's simply another excuse Doesn't matter really.
Like Magnus in your story, he said. You'd make your heir, then go into the fire.
It wasn't merely a story, I said, not meaning to be argumentative, and wondering why it sounded that way. And yes, perhaps it's like that. I honestly don't know.
Why do you want to destroy yourself? He sounded desperate. How I had hurt this man.
I looked at the sprawling tiger with its magnificent black stripes and deep orange fur.
That was a man-eater, wasn't it? I asked.
He hesitated as if he didn't fully understand the question, then as if waking, he nodded. Yes. He glanced at the tiger, then he looked at me. I don't want you to do it. Postpone it, for the love of heaven. Don't do it. Why tonight, of all times?
He was making me laugh against my will. Tonight's a fine night for doing it, I said. No, I'm going. And suddenly there was a great exhilaration in me because I realized I meant it! It wasn't just some fancy. I would never have told him if it was. I've figured a method. I'll go as high as I can before the sun comes over the horizon. There won't be any way to find shelter. The desert there is very hard.
And I will die in fire. Not cold, as I'd been on that mountain when the wolves surrounded me. In heat
, as Claudia had died.
No, don't do it, he said. How earnest he was, how persuasive. But it didn't work.
Do you want the blood? I asked. It doesn't take very long. There's very little pain. I'm confident the others won't hurt you. I'll make you so strong they'd have a devil of a time if they tried.
Again, it was so like Magnus, who'd left me an orphan without so much as a warning that Armand and his ancient coven could come after me, cursing me and seeking to put an end to my newborn life. And Magnus had known that I would prevail.
Lestat, I do not want the blood. But I want you to stay here. Look, give me a matter of a few nights only. Just that much. On account of friendship, Lestat, stay with me now. Can't you give me those few hours And then if you must go through with it, I won't argue anymore.
Why?