It would be best to end it now.
On her terms.
Before things got crazy. Crazier...because what was crazier than falling in love with a man just because you couldn’t have him? That was what she had done. It was pathological. She was in love with a man who didn’t—couldn’t—love her.
It was time to rewrite the script of her life. No longer would she fall for the wrong men. No longer would she settle for second best...even though there was no way she would ever describe Jake as second best. He was first best. The best. The most fabulous man she had ever known—but he wasn’t hers.
He wasn’t anyone’s.
It would break her heart to end their affair. Weird to think she’d thought her heart had been broken by her three failed engagements; none of them, even all of them put together, had made her feel anywhere near as sad as ending her fling with Jake.
It wasn’t just the sex. It was the way he made her feel as a person. He valued her. He understood her. He knew her doubts and insecurities. He had taught her to put the dark shadow of the past behind her. He protected her. He made her feel safe. He had helped her heal. His touch, his kisses, his glorious love-making, had made her fully embrace her femininity.
He had given her the gift of self-acceptance, but with that gift had come realisation. The realisation she could no longer pretend to be something she was not. She had to stop hiding behind social norms in order to feel accepted. If she never found love with a man who loved her equally, unreservedly and for ever, then she would be better off alone. Settling for anything less was settling for second best. It was compromising and self-limiting and would only bring further heartbreak in the end.
But it would be hard to be around Jake as just a friend. She would go back to being the gardener’s daughter—the little ring-in who didn’t really belong in the big house.
The girl who didn’t belong to anyone.
* * *
Jake watched from the front row beside Jaz as her design came down the catwalk. She had only just got to her seat in time to see her moment in the spotlight. The dress was amazing. He found his mind picturing her wearing it. It had a hand-sewn beaded bodice and a frothy tulle skirt that was just like a princess’s dress. The veil was set back from the model’s head and flowed out behind her like a floating cloud.
If anyone had told him a week ago he’d be sitting at a wedding expo oohing and aahing at wedding gowns he would have said they were nuts. The atmosphere was electric. The ballroom was abuzz with expectation. The music was upbeat and stirring, hardly bridal or churchy at all. The applause was thunderous when Jaz’s design was announced and continued even after the model had left the catwalk. He clapped as loudly as anyone, probably louder. ‘Told you they’d love your work,’ he said. ‘You’ll have orders coming out of your ears after this.’
She looked at him with a tremulous smile. ‘You think?’
She still doubted herself. Amazing, he thought. What would it take for her to believe she was as good if not better than any of the other designers here? He tapped her on the end of her retroussé nose. ‘Sure of it.’
Jake took her hand while the press did their interviews after the show. He was getting quite used to the role of devoted fiancé. Who said he couldn’t act? Maybe some of that Ravensdale talent hadn’t skipped a generation after all. Or maybe he was getting used to being part of a couple. There was certainly something to be said about knowing who he was going to sleep with that night—earlier, if he could wangle it. Instead of wondering how the sex would be, he knew for certain it would be fantastic. He had never had a more satisfying lover.
Jaz’s body was a constant turn-on as it brushed against his as the crowd jostled them. He drew her closer as a photographer zoomed in on them. Her cheek was against his; the fresh, flowery scent of her made his sinuses tingle. She turned her head and he swooped down and stole a kiss from her soft-as-a-pillow mouth, wishing he could get her alone right here and now.
But instead of continuing the kiss she eased back, giving him a distracted-looking smile. Her hands went back to her lap where she was gripping the programme as if she had plans to shred it.
‘You okay?’ Jake said.
Her gaze was trained on the next set of models strutting their stuff. ‘We need to talk,’ she said. ‘But not here.’
Here it comes. The talk. The talk where she would say she wanted the whole shebang: the promises of for ever, the kids, the dog and the house. The things he didn’t want. Had never wanted. Would never want. Why had he thought she would be any different? He had broken his own rules for what? For a fling that should never have started in the first place.