First

‘Would you get a job there afterward?’

‘I’m not sure. Maybe.’

The barista calls out ‘Jacobs!’ Jake gives her a warm smile and collects his drink. At least that gives me a moment to compose myself. My hands are shaking a bit and my stupid card won’t slip back into its little slot in my wallet. Eventually it gives up on my failed attempts and falls from my fingers, landing with a hushed clatter to the floor.

I swear and bend down, but Jake’s already there. He scoops up the card and extends it back up toward me. The sight of him kneeling there in front of me makes it hard to breathe.

‘Maya!’

I mumble a thanks to him and stuff everything, despite its lack of organisation, into my purse. The barista hands over my drinks. When I turn to step away from the pick-up counter, Jake’s still there.

We may be a foot apart, but I can feel his heat, smell his skin. I want to bury my face in the crook of his neck. I want to flee. Contradictions tangle wildly in my mind. I need to get out of here, away from him and these strange things he does to my stomach.

‘I’m sure you’ll do great there,’ I say brightly, hoping he takes the hint.

He does. ‘Thanks.’ He walks toward the door, which his partner already passed through on the way back to the engine. ‘See you later.’

His abrupt departure hits like a physical blow. A few deep breaths should settle my stomach. I’m still reeling, ordering myself to pull it together, clutching my coffee cups when I hear, ‘Maya—’

He’s there, hand on the door, watching me with that unnerving intensity. ‘It’s only for a couple months.’

Ask him to give you more time to think about this. Tell him you just need time to figure out how to have an adult relationship so he doesn’t give up on you again.

Again, the heart is overruled by my knee-jerk reaction of running from the risk of emotional damage. ‘Just in time for graduation and goodbye.’

His lips twist into a wry smile and he gives a stiff nod. ‘I guess so.’

This is the second time he turns his back on me and walks away. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle seeing it a third time.

***

Almost an hour later, Doctor Blathe has finished her coffee. We haven’t talked yet this session. The only words she has said to me are, ‘Thank you, Maya. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.’

I’ve spent the rest of the time pacing the carpet in the back, mind stuck in some kind of holding pattern. Normally, ideas come and go, pinging around inside my skull, but today there’s nothing. Not even white noise. My head’s just … blank. The only image in it is the back of Jake’s head. It’s quickly becoming one of my least favourite views of him.

I can’t believe he walked away from me again. We’d managed to have an adult conversation … an awkward one, but it still counts. Despite that, he left. No goodbye.

Why do you think he told you how long he’d be gone?

He was being polite. There’s no way it was supposed to be a hint.

How would you know?

Valid point. Instead of asking him if the comment meant he wanted to see me when he got back, I decided to act insane.

My abrupt halt mid-pace leaves me stumbling, but I grip the back of the couch and right myself. The conversation replays in my mind and I cringe at the memory of my flippant response. Just in time for graduation and goodbye. Really, Maya? He’d left the door open and I slammed it in his face.

Since you don’t want a second chance, it doesn’t matter if you acted that way.

‘Maya, you seem agitated,’ Doctor Blathe says gently from her chair.

‘That’s because I am.’

Oh, talking is a bad idea. I shut my mouth and close my eyes, practicing my breathing. In through the nose, hold, out through the mouth. The relaxation technique does nothing. A realisation creeps up on me and as much as I want to fight it, I don’t think I’ll win.

‘Would you like some water?’

I shake my head adamantly at her question. The very thought of swallowing down something other than my pride at this moment is too much. Throwing up in her beautiful office isn’t an option. I press a hand to my stomach and try to quell the churning.