Mine To Keep (Love By Design 7)

We were lucky to have what we did. Not all families got to choose their members, but Ethan and I had Evan even if it was temporary. He was volunteering to be there. Who did that? And who was I to send him away?

12

Evan

“Can I see it?” She gave me a shy smile, biting her bottom lip like my answer hung the moon for her. It was a heady feeling to be that responsible.

Now there was a million-dollar question, but not the one I was hoping for from her. I knew she meant the picture of her son, and I didn’t think she would appreciate any sexual banter while feeding Ethan. I heard a rumor that women felt anything but sexy after giving birth, and I wasn’t going to press my luck. It was a known fact that mothers had super-human strength, and a third-eye to catch any shenanigans.

I pulled out my phone and opened up my photo album to show her the picture. I was sitting in the nursery, holding her son, wearing a white under shirt I typically wore under my uniform and between my vest. I held his little body burrito wrapped in soft blue and white striped cotton against my chest. His eyes were closed as he took from the mini-sized bottle. His hands were fisted and one curled around my finger. Her face softened and showed the love she had for her little man with a glow that words couldn’t describe.

“I think he’s happy to have his mommy back.” I brushed back her hair. “Sweet girl, you gave us all quite a scare.” She took about ten years off my life unexpectedly, but I didn’t add that to the conversation.

“You held and fed my son?” Her face frowned and it was like a sucker punch to the gut. It wasn’t my doing, though. The baby nurse that came around saw me at the nursery window, lurking, and assumed I was Ethan’s dad. Considering I was wearing a fair amount of afterbirth, it wasn’t inconceivable. I may have omitted the truth right then, watching her pick up the tiny human with Remi’s little nose and stubborn chin. The nurse pulled me into the room, gave me some clean scrub pants to wear and handed me a bottle and a wrapped-up baby. Straight forward stuff in the nursery, but nothing I had done before. Putting the nipple to his small mouth and watching him do what I guessed babies did naturally was this strangely fulfilling process that escaped words. I’d never felt so insignificant and powerful at the same time. Embarrassed to tell her this, I stuck to the facts.

“Uh…yeah. They were working on you and kicked me out until you got the first blood transfusion. They wouldn’t let me stay, so I followed the nurse to the nursery and watched them clean up Ethan. He’s got all his fingers and toes and scored really well on this Apgar test they gave him. Aced it all. But he’s smart like his mommy.” Nerves crept in telling her this, like somehow I fucked everything up.

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“Hmm.” Her voice was hoarse, almost sexy, definitely a place I couldn’t go with her. God only knew how much I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and hold on to her and let her know it would be okay.

Instead I stuck to those damn facts as if my life depended on them. “I was afraid they might mix him up, take his little tummy sensor off or something.”

“Thank you.”

“It was nothing. I was happy to do it.”

“Evan, it was everything. You watched out for my son when I couldn’t, and there’s no way to repay that. Thank you.” Swallowing deep, I leaned down to see little Ethan’s sleeping face. He looked so much like Remi except for his dirty blond hair. I guessed the kid couldn’t be a carbon copy and had to get something from his dad. I could tell he would have her little button nose and her expressive eyebrows, which would make this tiny man a real lady-killer when he got older.

The thought was strange to me, and somehow I wanted to be a part of that even though I knew it wasn’t my place. That was the part that scared me shitless—me, Bachelor Rooney suddenly wanted to keep something I had no right asking for.

“He’s amazing.” I looked up into her eyes, which filled with watery tears, and her weak smile. “Just like his momma.” Our eyes darted back and forth between us and the baby.

“Do you want to hold him?” Ethan slept like a champ and his lips made a sucking motion for the bottle.

“Yeah.” Something in the moment told me this was big, huge. She was handing me her son, a part of her, willingly when it was her choice to make.

Our arms made the transfer as I leaned over the bed and our faces came close to each other. Up close her eyes were rimmed red, blood shot from the birth, still a pretty green but with the efforts of her labor clearly showing. Her skin paled and the freckles more prominent today. Picking up Ethan required me to get close, closer than before, and my hands brushed against soft breasts, reminding me how womanly this sweet girl was. Remi’s gasp was quiet but there was no denying the fact. I touched her, even accidentally, and she responded in some way that gave me hope.

“Evan.” Her fingers were hard-pressed like chains wrapped around my arms, touching the ink that spiraled around them. Fingerprints branded my skin, shooting darts straight into my unsuspecting heart. I wanted Remi, but I couldn’t have her. It wasn’t right to pursue her or start something we couldn’t have, at least not yet. There was a lot to work out first and the look in her eyes, though soft, told me trust was a long time coming for men in general. For the first time in my life, I didn’t want to rush in and take for granted what could be. I wanted to savor it slowly and that shocked the hell out of me.

“I know, sweet girl. I feel it too.” Our arms separated and her mouth made a pucker like she sucked on a lemon. Pulling back, I held Ethan who didn’t budge when I placed him against my chest. I had to banish those thoughts to the dark recesses of my mind because damn, she could really do a number on me if I let things get ahead of our snail’s pace.

Crossing her arms over her chest, she pulled up the sheets, maybe in an effort to hide her swollen breasts. Shit, I couldn’t not appreciate the hard puckers of her nipples pressing through cotton. My mind had already separated their function from food to desirable parts of the woman I had a hard-on for. She did that to me and we barely knew each other.

The door burst open, startling us both. “How’s the happy family doing?” A chipper nurse I recognized from the floor interrupted our little world, darting about like an annoying bird.

“Fine,” Remi mumbled, trying to avoid eye contact with both of us.

“Don’t forget, you need to be trying to breast feed, so Daddy is going to have to hand him over.” The tag on her scrubs read Paige, but all I could think of was pain in the ass as she took Ethan from my arms and handed him back to Remi, tugging on her gown without an ounce of modesty.

“Okay, I think we got it, thanks.” I put my hand on her arm gently, but my anger stirred under the surface. The staff kept hovering like she was going to make a mistake under their watchful eyes and wouldn’t let up for a second to let her be. It was as if they expected this beautiful girl with a spine of steel to fuck it up. Not on my watch. Remi needed a break, even if a small one.

“I can do it, thanks.” Remi took up that guarded look again, and I hated it. The nurse left us and the awkward silence returned.

“Do you want me to go?” I paused and gripped the back of my neck, standing awkwardly now that I didn’t have a baby to occupy my hands.

Her face winced as she adjusted Ethan in her arms.