“In general?” I looked down at my swollen and ring-less finger contemplating this new act of stupidity. Because when I look my most unflattering and unappealing we should definitely discuss things that require makeup, sexy fitted clothes, and a Bride or Bust boot camp workout routine. What the fuck is wrong with my boyfriend? And then I realize I have answered the majority of my questions right there in the moment. This was Damien Hart I was talking about.
“I was thinking more like now.”
“Now, as in, after we have this kid and get our bearings? Manage potty training perhaps? Slim down my beluga whale figure? Maybe get my mother to back down on the fact we’re having a bastard brigade?”
“She doesn’t really think that, does she?” I rolled my eyes. Obviously, Damien had forgotten what it’s like to live across the street from Katherine Halle Calloway, municipal circuit judge.
“Eh… okay, this is your mother we’re talking about.”
“Uh huh, keep thinking with that coconut on your neck there, buddy. What were you thinking?” I asked him.
“More like today. This afternoon.” He looked calm, too calm for my hormonal nerves to process fully what he’s asking.
“Are you fucking crazy?” I have to roll back and forth like an oompa-loompa to get myself situated into a better sitting position so I can give him my classic stink eye.
“I love you so much and I love this child we’re about to have and I just think that maybe we should consider getting married before he or she is actually born.”
“Jesus Christmas. You actually said all that not breathing or blinking an eye.” He nodded and I grabbed the pillow throwing it at him. No, maybe beating him with it is what I should be doing grabbing it back. I’m overly pregnant and he wants to drag me downtown trussed up like a turkey for this? Oh hell no, there wasn’t enough Starbucks or bourbon to get me to do this, neither of which I could have for a good long while.
Not today, Demon!
Not!
Today!
“Babe, just think about it.”
“I have and the answer is still no. It’ll be no tomorrow and the day after that and most likely a good long while after I have delivered your spawn.”
“I know you’re feeling uncomfortable right now.” He looks me over and I want to smack him but I don’t because it’s the smile crinkling his face that keeps the itch in my palm to a minimum.
“You think?” Sarcasm dripped from my dragon breath teeth when he puts his palm over my mouth gently.
“Let me finish, Pebbles, this important to me.” He waited until I nodded and began again.
“Kristen Halle Calloway, I fucking love you and I love our baby, but more than that, I love the crazy life you give me and the chasing you make me do just to get a moment of your time. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need you in my life like the sun needs the moon. We fucking bumper cars and you complete me.” It’s the sappiest shit I’ve ever heard and even our child resists by giving me a sharp pain of heartburn.
“Damien.” His name is muffled between my lips and his fingertips and I knew in my heart he was right, but I just couldn’t make it that easy for him, or could I?
“It would mean the world to me if you became my wife. Mine forever and ever.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” The look on his face is priceless and I knew I would remember it to the day I left this earth, preferably before him because I still had plans to haunt his ass even in death do us part.
“Yeah, you big idiot.”
“Oh my god, yes!” He jumps up from the bed fist pumping the air like a teenager who finally beat the Legend of Zelda. “Babe,” he kissed me between words, “you can have the biggest bad ass wedding you want later.”
“Alright.” Another round of heartburn has me scooting out of bed to the bathroom to get ready. Damien Hart was crazy but I loved him.
“I’m going to go make some phone calls, get ready woman to become Mrs. Hart.”
“Joy.” I muttered with a smile permanently etched on my face.
Before I get too far in beautifying myself, Damien is back, breathless and smiling.
“We can do it! We just need to get down to the hall with our photo IDs.”