Never Been Kissed

“Lavender, what are you doing?”

“I saw this recipe for coffee and figured I’d give it a try. Can you whisk this for me?” She hands me the bowl and I push it back at her.

“No thanks.” I have a date with photoshop for a work project and then a call with Van.

“Oh come on, my hand is killing me and we don’t have one of those fancy hand blenders.” I hate when my sister whines because she’s come up with some hairbrained idea that never turns out well for anyone except her. I’m also leery to touch the bowl because it smells like coffee with too much sweetener. I like my coffee with coconut milk and no sugar not this cavity causing mess she’s got slopped in a bowl.

I push the bowl away from me a second time. “Since I’m not drinking it, no, I’m not going whisk that. But it’s good to see you’re using muscles you haven’t used since your college frat party days.” I make an obscene hand gesture which she doesn’t appreciate.

“Real funny. I love how my little sister likes to lord that over me.”

“I don’t slut shame, I tell it like it is.” I grin but she hands me the bowl and I take it before it drops and then we have Ma to deal with and mess on the floor with limited paper towels to clean it up. It’s really an act of self-preservation.

“I was dating every single one of those boys.” Lavender makes a twirling motion for me to whisk faster and I do it because it means I’ll get out of here sooner.

“If that’s what we’re calling it, sure.” I tease right back and dodge her attempt to slap my thigh with the dish towel. My sister fights dirty.

It’s been a point of contention that Lavender didn’t go to college, though she somehow convinced our parents to pony up the money for her cosmetology school and I’m the one who had to work two jobs to afford my education on my own. I never figured out why that was and I guess it doesn’t matter now. She has a license she uses only when she needs money and I work my ass off to get by, but it’s fine. I know this isn’t forever despite the month of March feeling like three hundred days long with no end in sight and we’re barely into April.

“Hey, I’m not the one hooking up with her baby daddy who dropped her for another girl and then enticed you back with a chicken pot pie. Personally, I think you’re selling yourself short.”

We could banter all day like this, but I had a video conference meeting to attend and a digital date with Van later.

“Does your guy know you’ve never seen a naked dick before.”

“Hello, question meet Google.” I waved dramatically at my sister with the whisk licking the tip of it. Huh. Whipped coffee was pretty good even if it was too sweet for me.

Lavender snorts and grabs the bowl and whisk to resume her loud whisking of metal on glass.

“He knows I’m less than experienced, but thanks for reminding me of my celibate status. Nothing like never getting off in this crowded apartment to lighten the mood.”

Lavender made her own inappropriate gesture by sticking her tongue in her cheek before chuckling at me. “He should know what he’s in for.”

“Yeah, we’re not really into the whole student-teacher kink, but I’ll let you know if I need to borrow that pleated skirt you wore to the Delta House before this stuff started.”

“You’ll thank me later!” She resumes whisking weak peaks of coffee. I grab a muffin since Ma took up pandemic baking and leave to lock myself back in my bedroom closet for my meeting.

I singsong back. “Highly unlikely!”

My sister is a pest on a good day and how we managed to co-habitate this long remains a mystery. She enjoys rubbing her dating escapades in my face, but the truth was closer to the fact we handled the grief of losing our dad differently. I wanted a relationship like the one our parents had before everything went to shit. I built up a wall around my heart rejecting any guy who was interested by keeping myself insanely busy. Lavender needed the attention and equated sex to love. She couldn’t get enough of guys in her boy crazy mind and because she wasn’t the most responsible she got herself knocked up and while Hannah was a joy and a blessing, I do think she’s has regrets about the way it happened before she was ready to be a mother. We all had our issues to bear, but at least we had each other.

10

Van

“How is it possible, you have never seen a single Sharknado movie?” I angle the screen on my computer so Laurel gets my full attention. She’s wearing a cute graphic t-shirt that looks like it’s been lovingly washed several dozen times and must be super soft against her skin. I can see a peek of her bare stomach, peachy skin that looks kissable and taunts me. This girl is my ultimate distraction from the panicked office calls, Grant, and my parents. I don’t suggest skirting the stay-at-home rule to see her because I know she won’t go for it. It seems I’m an equal temptation for her. These dates, as odd as they are have been like old school courting. I’m not sure if I like it, or if the anticipation of the real thing is going to wear me down. Only time will tell, and right now…it’s fucking agony.

Laurel purses her lips and takes a sip from a soda can. I notice the Canada Dry black cherry seltzer and make a note to have some stocked in my fridge, for someday which has me groaning like a big baby.

She lifts her arms up to secure her hair in a ponytail and her breasts lift. I wonder if she’s wearing a bra and I shout at the internet troll in me to shut up and focus on her face. I’m a guy deep down horny and rude, but I can still be a gentleman. It’s no wonder girls swipe left, right or whatever to get rid of us.

“I’d like to consider myself lucky to have missed such an epic cinematic failure.” She’s serious and I know if I can’t get her on the shark train I might her lose her, but honestly, I’ve got nothing.

“It’s sharks and tornadoes.” Way to go, Van. In my mind I’m patting myself on the back and lamenting.

I hear her mumble, “With terrible CGI.”

She’s right, but I feel obligated to see this through to the end.