She tilted her head and murmured softly, “Does he make you happy?”
Does he make me happy?
Her simple question floated around my head, forcing me to think about how I felt when I was with him. How he made me feel.
I couldn’t stop thinking about him. The way his lips kicked up in that beautiful smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. I almost went into cardiac arrest just from looking at him. And he was there, showing up when I needed him.
I thought about his touch, how he looked at me with naked affection pouring from his eyes and smoothed his fingers over my skin with something like reverence. How he held himself still inside my body, and looked into me, pulling the curtain away and drenching me in light.
How he saw me…
“You love him.”
Her observation shocked me back into the moment, and I shook my head in denial.
“I know,” she murmured with a sigh. “You don’t trust love, and you don’t want your happiness to depend on anyone else.”
I blinked. You don’t trust love, and you don’t want your happiness to depend on anyone else.
I’d said that to her, as an assured thirteen-year-old. In the months after my dad left, I’d wanted to hate him, to only hate him, but he was still my dad, and he’d just left me. It didn’t matter that I’d told him to, there was no avoiding the hurt that caused. Some nights I’d stuff my face into my pillow to suffocate my sobs, even as I’d loathed the fact he could make me feel that way. That his shitty actions could cause so much grief and pain. So, I’d put on a front, acted like I didn’t care. I looked in the mirror and told myself I didn’t, over and over, until eventually, I’d convinced myself it was true.
“Don’t let someone else’s bad experiences stop you from having any of your own, Liss. You deserve more than that.” Riley glanced away briefly, worrying her lip. “Leon asked me to cancel my plans with you the other night,” she admitted, and I frowned. “I know, I know. It was sneaky. I probably shouldn’t have done it. I wasn’t going to either because I didn’t want to push you. But then, I saw the look in his eyes when he said your name, and I decided you needed a little push.”
I stared at her, knowing I wasn’t mad but trying to project it with my eyes, anyway. “I should strip you of friendship privileges,” I muttered. “That goes against code, and you damn well know it.”
“I do.” She nodded, pursing her lips. “Does it make up for it if I just want you to be happy? I could see it the night of the bonfire, Liss. Before that, even. There’s something there, and you owe it to yourself to try. What’s stopping you?”
“Wow, the deep questions are coming thick and fast this evening, huh?” I tried to keep my tone light, to play off the gravity of her words, but it felt like they inflated inside the small space around me, crushing me.
“It’s my duty as your best friend to ask them. You’ve always done it for me. Now it’s my turn.”
A light snort of air puffed from my nose. “Payback?”
“If that’s what you want to call it.” She winked, reaching across to squeeze my fingers. “You didn’t answer my question.”
I sighed, then admitted quietly, “I don’t know if I can trust him.”
She pressed her lips together and thought a second before speaking. “Since you two started hanging out… has he given you any reason not to trust him?”
I held her gaze, then glanced away.
A year ago, he’d said we were nothing and given the impression he might still harbor feelings for my best friend. But that was after one kiss, and I’d never even asked him about it. So much had changed, and everything he’d done and said since had painted a totally different picture.
Leon didn’t need to buy cupcakes and date girls to get them into bed, and if all he wanted was to fuck Claremont’s snow queen and boast about it, he could have done that at New Year’s. But he hadn’t.
“I’m not saying trust him right away,” Riley said, her soft voice cutting through my thoughts. “Just… give him the chance to earn it, babe.”
My eyes travelled back to her, and over her heart-shaped face, which, from this angle, looked unchanged despite the heartache she’d endured. If I looked close enough, though, really close, I could see some evidence of the toll it had all taken. The tiny flash of pain that still lingered in the depths of her eyes. And probably always would. Some things changed us at a fundamental level. She’d taken a chance and experienced a world of hurt. Then she’d picked herself up, adjusted, grown, and become stronger, and through all of it, she’d never given up on love.
I could ask her if it was worth it, but I didn’t need to. I already knew what her answer would be. A year ago, I would never have agreed with her. Now, though? I wasn’t so sure.
She clapped her hands down on her thighs and looked over at me. “Come on. We need a drink.”
“Agreed.”
I rounded the side of Danny’s house in heeled boots, a form fitting sleeveless black dress, and a cropped denim jacket. My eyes searched the crowd before it came into focus; before it even registered that I was looking for him.
I found him before he saw me, and my steps faltered. Then he looked up, and my heart surged. Right before it broke into a sprint and charged at my ribs like a crazed bull.