Bad Seed

Crystal walked out on me in the middle of the night almost a year ago. No note. No text. No nothing. After she left, she never returned my calls or anything. She'd just ghosted my ass. It was like she'd disappeared without a trace.

After living together for four months, I thought she'd at least give me some reason for walking out like she had. Help me understand what it was I'd done – or not done. But, nope. She'd just up and packed her bags, took everything she owned – along with a few things that weren't hers – and she was gone. Just like that.

Now, like a zombie back from the grave, she stood before me – scowl on her face and a baby that may or may not be mine, in her arms. God help me, it wasn't mine – was it? A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach told me I already knew the answer. “I can't do this anymore, Declan,” she said again, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I can't be a mother. I don't have it in me. That's never been my thing.”

“Oh yeah, I get that, Crystal. So, who's the father?” I asked, and my body stiffened as I waited for a response.

“You know the answer to that already, Declan,” she whispered, a small, sad smile playing at her lips. “I only ever slept with you.”

“And I would know that how? You didn’t exactly leave me with a very good reason to trust you, now did you?”

A dark look passed through her eyes and her face twisted up into a look of pain as she was assaulted by the memories of our shared history.

“I'm sorry, it's just – well, I left because I wasn't sure how you'd ha

ndle the pregnancy,” she said. “I didn't want to keep it. I'd actually planned on giving it up for adoption. And now, well, I realize the right thing to do is let you know about your son.”

A lump formed in my throat I had a hard time swallowing down. “My son?”

“Yes, his name is Jack,” Crystal said.

She pulled the blanket back, uncovering the small, soft, round face of the child. There was a tuft of red hair on his head, and when I saw it, I knew, he had to be mine.

“I have a son,” I said, speaking the words slowly and carefully, as if trying to convince myself it was true.

All my life, I never imagined myself ever having kids. Mainly because I wasn't sure I'd actually live long enough to experience such a thing. Being a fighter meant I put my body through so much, I just expected that one of these days, it would kill me. Every time I stepped into the ring, I was fully aware that it could be my last time.

“You do,” Crystal said.

She moved as if to hand him to me, and even though I wasn't ready, I took him into my arms. When I stepped back with the child in my arms, I marveled down at him. He was so small and so light, it was hard to believe there was anything wrapped inside that blanket at all. But, his eyes stared up at me, large and bright. I could hardly breathe as I looked at such a perfect, beautiful child. My child.

But then the cold reality of the moment – of my life – slapped me upside the head and brought me back to the here and now. As precious as the child was, I didn’t exactly live the kind of life that would be good for him. “I don't know what you want me to do, Crystal,” I said. I met her gaze again. “I can give you money. I mean, I don't make much and it's never certain – ”

“I don't want your money, Declan,” she snorted. “I want you to take him. I'm not cut out for motherhood. I can’t take care of him. I don’t want to.”

“Crystal, I can't – ”

For the first time, I noticed the track marks on her arms. When we were together, she'd been a recovering heroin addict. But she'd sworn to me that she was clean, and would be clean for good. Apparently, she was no longer in recovery.

“You have to, Declan,” she said, her eyes were wide and pleading, tears filling them. “I'm not going to live much longer, I know that. I love that little boy, but I know I can't take care of him. He needs somebody who can. Somebody who can do right by him and raise him. He needs you.”

“I'm not exactly father material, Crystal,” I muttered.

I adjusted the child in my arms, and he whimpered. I feared he might start crying – and if he did, then what? I wasn't sure how to handle a screaming baby. I knew nothing about feeding them or changing diapers. I didn't know the first thing about raising a child. I was clueless and afraid. I knew if she made me do this, I'd fuck it all up. I would destroy this kid without meaning to.

I tried handing Jack back to Crystal, but she shook her head.

“No, Declan. I can't. You have your brothers, your entire family,” she said. “They can help you. I have no one. He's better off with you.”

She dropped a bag onto the sidewalk and gave me a wan smile. She turned and took off, running down the street like the devil himself was chasing her. I took a few steps after her but running with a baby in your arms is no small feat. Jack started crying, and I stopped. I stared after Crystal my stomach in knots, no longer seeing her in the distance.

She'd turned a corner and was gone.

I had a son.

I was left standing there with no fucking idea what I was going to do.

~ooo000ooo~