I spat out the toothpaste and rinsed my mouth, trying not to let fear overwhelm me. Spending last night with Caleb was exactly what I needed. I had finally put my worries aside and just relaxed. He took control and forced me to think about something other than my illness. It wasn’t easy at first. While we were at the bar, I kept glancing at Stephanie, wondering how the hell I would tell her the news. Caleb knew I was distracted and he spent all night trying to pull my attention back to him. Sitting in the car, I wanted to tell him the truth. The words were on the tip of my tongue, but I changed my mind. No matter how much I loved him, I just wasn’t ready to share this with him. Or anyone. Just thinking about telling my father was enough to make me break out in nervous hives. Part of me wanted to run away, to leave town, and seek treatment elsewhere.
Deep down, I knew that wasn’t an option. Not only would that destroy my father, but it wouldn’t be fair to Caleb. We’d been through so much together, and now I couldn’t turn my back on him. He wouldn’t understand. I would break his heart like he broke mine. No matter what I was going through, I knew I could never do that.
I finished getting ready quickly, eager to be away from Caleb so I could think. When he wasn’t around, I missed him fiercely. But when he was sitting next to me, I felt guilty for not sharing the truth with him. I felt like I couldn’t win. As I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, I opened the bathroom door and stepped into Caleb’s bedroom. He was no longer lying on his bed, and his crutches were gone. I frowned and went to look for him in the living room.
Before I made it to him, I heard his voice drifting into the bedroom. I stopped quickly when I could hear what he was saying.
“I lost the last bottle,” he said. “I’m not sure where it went, but I need a refill.”
He fell silent for a second.
“I know,” he said. “But Dr. McGee told me to call if I have any problems. The pain has been getting worse. I can’t ignore it anymore.”
He paused again, listening to the person on the other end of the phone.
“Today?” he asked. “Thank you. I’ll pick them up this morning.”
My heart was racing when I heard him hang up the phone. There was something about that phone call that didn’t sound right.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the living room just as Caleb came around the corner. He smiled and walked over to me, using his crutches for support.
“What was that about?” I asked.
“What?” He frowned.
“That phone call,” I said.
“Oh,” he said lightly. “I just lost my painkillers, so I called Dr. McGee’s office for a new bottle.”
“You lost them?” I asked suspiciously.
“Yeah.” He nodded.
I stared at him, waiting for him to explain further but he didn’t. I hadn’t seen Caleb take a single painkiller since he was discharged, not even during his physical therapy sessions. Still, just because I hadn’t seen it, that didn’t mean it wasn’t happening.
I felt my stomach tighten as I stared into his eyes, trying desperately to read his mind. As a PT, I’d been trained to recognize the signs of addiction, but with Caleb, I didn’t know where to begin. I knew him so well and yet the way he kept fidgeting made my suspicions grow.
“Are you sure you lost them?” I asked.
“What does that mean?” His eyes narrowed.
“It’s just a question,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “But why are you asking it?”
“It’s my job,” I said. “If a patient is showing signs of abusing prescription drugs, then I need to ask.”
“Are you fucking serious?” he scoffed.
“You don’t need to get defensive,” I said sharply.
“This is ridiculous,” he said. “I’m not abusing my pills, Tara. I’m in pain, and I lost the damn bottle. That’s it.”
“Okay.” I knew arguing was pointless.
We said our goodbyes and I left for work, still unsure of whether I believed him. Caleb wasn’t the type to lie, but if he really was abusing his drugs, then he wouldn’t just come right out and say it.
I wanted to believe him. As the day progressed, I felt guilty for accusing him. I wished I could take it back, but I didn’t want to apologize over the phone. He had a physical therapy session scheduled for that night, so I decided to wait and bring it up then.