I had to laugh. Kids were way more intuitive than most people gave them credit for. I spent the rest of the day and that evening wanting to reach out to Amanda and see if she was ok. I could see her car in the drive in front of her cabin, but she made no attempt to come over or to contact me. I knew she needed her space.
I figured things would be tense with her after seeing her ex. He was a little maggot, and it was hard for me to figure out what the hell she’d ever seen in that asshole. He was cocky, arrogant, belittling, and full of himself. Maybe that shit got college girls off. Maybe he had money, and she was willing to overlook his idiotic attitude for nice dinners and shit. But Amanda didn’t strike me as that kind of girl, which made it even harder to figure out.
I was worried about her. She left angry yesterday, and I hadn’t seen her since. I wanted to ask her how the interview for the gallery showing went. To let her rant to me about how her ex was a fucking nutsack. I wanted to sit down with her and go over the plans we had already set in motion and make sure she was still okay with them.
But most of all, I didn’t want to lose her.
Not just because Lanie had become attached to her, but because I was falling for her. I craved her. Desired her. Wanted her in ways I’d never experienced, even with my ex-wife. I wanted to listen to her talk about her art and ask her about her future plans. I wanted to do anything I could to help her, especially since she was helping me. I wanted to hold her close to me at night and talk lowly to ourselves. I wanted to continue spending my days with her. She had dropped down onto this mountain on a chance inheritance and had somehow managed to wiggle her way into Lanie’s and my life.
And I no longer wanted to let her go.
Lanie and I spent the day together while I tried to get my mind off Amanda. I chased Lanie around the front yard and held her as we watched a movie. I read her favorite book to her, and we built lots of towers with her blocks. She loved driving her race car into the towers I would create. She would laugh until tears formed in her eyes whenever her car could knock down those blocks.
But as the hours ticked by, Amanda still didn’t show up.
I didn’t know what to do anymore. I wasn’t sure what to think. And who the fuck knew how she felt about me? Maybe she truly was just trying to help me out and didn’t share my deeper feelings. Maybe she was annoyed that I’d stepped into her conversation with Daryl. Maybe she resented that I’d insinuated that she couldn’t handle him herself.
When Lanie got up from her nap, I was restless. I couldn’t stay in the house any longer. I couldn’t sit here at the window and wait for Amanda to come to me. So I got Lanie dressed, put her in my truck, and headed to the lake. It was way too cold to swim, but sitting by the water was relaxing. Lanie enjoyed running around the edge of the lake and playing in the flower fields nearby.
The peacefulness of the surroundings helped to clear my mind.
Amanda and I hadn’t discussed our feelings toward one another. I knew she wanted me sexually. That much was obvious every time I was around her. But emotionally? I didn’t know. It wasn’t a topic I’d ever thought to bring up, but now that I had come to understand my own emotional state, having that conversation was all I could think about.
“Uncle Bwian! Look!”
Lanie came running up to me and stumbled into my lap. She was holding what was possibly the only flower in that entire fucking field. The look of pride on her face was evident as she held it up to me, showcasing her moment of the day.
“It’s alive, see?” Lanie asked.
“I see that,” I said. “Is that the only flower?”
“Uh huh,” she said breathlessly.
“Did you pluck it to put in your hair?” I asked.
“Uh huh,” she said, smiling. “Help?”
I sat her on my lap and began braiding her wispy hair like Tanya had once shown me. I didn’t have a hair tie to fasten the braid, but I was able to get it tight enough to stick the flower at the crown of her head. She pranced around like she was the princess of her castle, running to the edge of the water to look at her reflection.
I got up and chased after her, holding her hand so she wouldn’t tumble in.
“I’m so pretty,” Lanie said.
“Yes, you are,” I said.
“ I need more flowers.”
“Well, when summer rolls around there will be plenty of flowers.”
“And bugs,” she said, grinning.
“And bugs,” I said with a smirk.
Lanie lifted her arms for me to pick her up, wanting me to throw her high in the sky. I backed away from the shoreline of the lake and tossed her up, listening to her giggles fall from her dainty little lips. My heart soared with love for this little girl as she laughed so hard she squealed. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. Now that she had become a part of it, I couldn’t see anything else there but her.
Just like with Amanda.
“You ready for some dinner?” I asked.