“What?” I asked.
“You can go home.”
He was gazing down at his hands as he clamped them between his legs.
“I’m not here to talk about that right now. Lanie’s out there crying because you walked right past her. She sees your distress. Talk to me, Brian, because Lanie’s catching on and we told one another we’d keep this from her,” I said.
“There’s nothing to keep. Everything’s fine. I’ll be out there in a second to relieve you.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me,” I said.
His eyes slowly pa
nned over toward me, and they were filled with something I’d never seen before. His deep blue eyes were a mixture of confused and wary, and where I usually saw confidence, I found questions instead. Unasked questions with answers he would never get unless he sat down with me and talked.
“Brian, Lanie’s eating dinner. Let’s take a second to —”
“Go. Home.”
His voice was low. Commanding. Laced with anger and humming with darkness. I felt a knot form in my throat as tears rose to my eyes, but I blinked them away before he had a chance to see them. I wasn’t going to be weak in front of him, not like I’d been for so many months in front of Daryl. I rolled my shoulders back and nodded my head, choking down all the words I wanted to spew at him.
I guess I had my answer as to how he felt.
“Lanie wants to have a tea party. So suck it up. Get your ass out there, and be a dad since that’s what you’re fighting for.”
I turned on my heels and headed for the kitchen before Brian could form a rebuttal. I heard him step out of his room as I bent down toward Lanie, kissing her on the forehead. I was trying to keep my anger and my hurt at bay so the little girl wouldn’t feel anymore distress in the moment than she already had at Brian’s behavior.
“Tea party time?” Lanie asked.
“Well, Uncle Brian will have one with you. I have someone I have to go see for a little bit. But I promise you, Uncle Brian’s coming to play,” I said.
“You’re not coming?” she asked.
“I promise, the next one we have will be awesome. We’ll dress up, and I’ll do your makeup. We’ll make invitations to send out to all the guests. It’ll be an all-day affair with snacks and tea and dancing and movies. How does that sound?” I asked.
“Pwomise?”
I lifted my gaze to Brian, who stood in the hallway, just outside his bedroom door. My eyes bored into him, silently demanding he take control of the situation and give me some sort to answer. But all he did was stare at me.
“I promise,” I said.
Lanie threw her arms around my neck as tears crested my eyes. I planted one last kiss on her cheek, then quickly grabbed my coat. I slipped outside into the cold before I threw it around my shoulders, then I ran for my cabin. My heart ached. It felt like it had broken into two pieces and was oozing all over the floor. I hoped I hadn’t just lied to that poor little girl. I hoped that Brian would come to his senses and talk to me instead of pushing me away. If in the end, he still decided he didn’t want to be with me, then fine. But I hoped he’d still let me have a relationship with Lanie. I couldn’t bear to lose both of them.
I ran up the splintering porch steps and into my cabin. I shivered from the cold and stopped to light a fire in the ancient fireplace. So far, it seemed to be one of the only things in the damn place that was still in good working order. I made note that I’d have to get some more wood soon. I’d been spending so much time at Brian’s place that I hadn’t had any stacked.
It looked that like was about to change.
I’d lost him.
Brian was gone.
“Amanda?”
I sat heavily on the couch as Sarah’s voice came on the line. I clutched my phone to my ear and desperately wished that she was sitting here with me instead of seven hundred miles away in New York City..
“He’s gone,” I said. “He told me to go home,” I said.
“Wait, what? Slow down Amanda. Take a deep breath and talk to me,” Sarah said.