Top Dog

I got Lanie some breakfast, then settled her in front of a movie. I could tell she was getting sick. She had woken up that morning with a stuffy nose and tired eyes, so I called Tanya and asked her to pick up some medicine before she came to the house. I cradled Lanie close to my body as Snow White began to play, but the moment Tanya walked in with medicine I switched places with her.

“Come here, little one. I have some medicine that’ll make you feel better,” Tanya said.

I stepped out of the room and down the hallway, so I could get to my phone. I needed to call Amanda. I needed to make sure she was okay, and we definitely needed to sit down and talk. And with Tanya being here to watch my niece, it gave us some uninterrupted time to have a decent, open, air-clearing conversation.

“Hello?” Amanda asked.

“Amanda? It’s Brian.”

“I know,” she said.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Do you care?” she asked.

“I do.”

There was a bit of silence as I heard her rustling around.

“I’m fine,” she said.

I decided not to press her. She sounded pissed. “Could we talk sometime today?” I asked.

“We probably should, yes,” she said.

“How about I make some dinner tonight and we can sit down. I want to explain some things to you,” I said.

She hesitated for a moment before answering. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, I don’t want Lanie to be any more confused than she probably already is.”

Again, her concern for my niece trumped her own feelings. God damn, she wasn’t making this easy. “I promise, it’ll be fine. We’ll eat and then I’ll put Lanie down and we can talk after she’s asleep.”

The line was quiet for a moment and I thought maybe we’d gotten disconnected. Then, finally, I heard her voice. “Okay. I’ll see you tonight.”

We hung up after agreeing on a time and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I was so fucking torn inside that I didn’t know what to do. I knew I couldn’t marry her, but could I even pretend to be engaged to her? I had always prided myself on having my shit together, but now I felt like an incompetent idiot, making one bad decision after another.

I should have left her stuck in that damn staircase all those weeks ago.

But, no. If I’d done that, my life wouldn’t have been enriched by her laughter. My bed wouldn’t have been warmed by her incredible body. And my niece wouldn’t be happier than I’d ever seen her. All I knew was that I was in deep shit, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I was fucked if I did,, and fucked if I didn’t.

But this wasn’t about me, was it? This wasn’t even about Amanda. It was about Lanie and what was best for her. And though I didn’t know Amanda as well as I wished I did, I knew enough to know that she would never let Lanie suffer through what she had when she was a little girl. Whatever I asked of her for Lanie’s sake, she would do.

I walked around to Lanie’s sniffling form and bent down in front of her. She leaned into me and I gave her a kiss on her forehead. I smoothed her wispy hair back and looked into her tired eyes, my stomach dropping to my toes. I hated it when she didn’t feel well. She always slept with me whenever she was sick. I grabbed another blanket from the couch and fluttered it around her body as Tanya ran her fingers through my niece’s hair.

“That better?” I asked.

“Mhm,” Lanie said, humming.

“Listen, Amanda is coming for dinner,” I said.

“Good. I miss Mommy,” Lanie said sleepily as her eyelids drooped.

I was stunned as an unexpected warmth trickled through my veins. Mommy? Had Lanie been calling Amanda that?

“Lanie. Have you ever called Amanda that?” I asked.

“Uh huh. She smiles. And I feel happy,” Lanie said.

“She smiles?” I asked. “Are you sure?”