Sin City Baby

“Is Gabe coming back soon?”

I looked down at my precious little boy who had such a sweet, hopeful look on his face. It was surprising how quickly he had taken to the Walker boys. Then, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised. They were good men, and Grayson needed a father-figure in his life.

“I'm not sure, baby,” I said.

He looked down, an expression of sadness touching his small, delicate face. It was an expression that broke my heart. One I never wanted to see on my little boy's face.

“I miss him,” he said.

“I miss him too, Grayson,” I replied softly.

The truth of the matter was that I did miss him, and his brothers. I missed them all fiercely. I was having a hard time reconciling my feelings for all three of them with the guilt and shame that overwhelmed me after that night. I hadn't expected to feel anything like that. Maybe, I wasn't as strong as I'd always thought.

“I miss Grandma too,” he said softly.

Tears welled in my eyes as his expression changed to one of pure misery. It made me start thinking about what Gabe had asked me. To come back. He'd said it didn't have to be permanent. To just come back for a visit and dip my toes back into the water. See if, maybe after a few days, I felt any better, about everything. He'd promised there would be no expectations if I came back. No promises. No guarantees. He just wanted me to come back, spend a little time there, and see if I felt any different about it all.

I wasn't sure it was good for me to immerse myself back into that again. Not so soon after everything had happened, and I'd run away like a coward.

Then, as I looked at my son, looked at the despair and longing on his face, I had to stop and reconsider. He desperately needed a strong male presence in his life. I could see the craving for it whenever I looked into his eyes. I knew that in Castle Creek, he'd have not just one, but three strong, male role models in his life.

All three of them, Jared, Evan, and Gabe, had all taken a shine to my son. They all doted on him, and all took an active interest in his life. It was attention he was craving and desired. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't sweet watching them all interact together. They all got on so well and I could see that all three of the Walker boys cared about Grayson already.

Was I a monster for keeping him from them? For keeping them from him? All because it made me uncomfortable? All because it made me feel guilty and ashamed of myself, knowing what I'd done with all three of them?

Probably.

It was that thought, and desperately wanting to see the smile back on my little boy's face, that made the decision for me.

“Tell you what, baby,” I said. “Let's both go and pack a bag. We're going to go and visit Grandma and the guys. How about that?”

Grayson's face immediately brightened, and I knew I'd made the right choice. Just seeing that unfettered joy in his face made my heart swell to the point I thought it might burst.

“Yay!” he practically screamed.

Putting our plates in the dishwasher, I took Grayson by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedrooms, where I helped him pack a bag. We were just going for a visit. A short visit. Nothing was guaranteed.

***

I pulled the rental car into the driveway and shut the engine off. I looked into the back seat at Grayson, who was sound asleep. I knew when he woke up in the morning and saw that he was at his grandmother's house, he was going to be happy. Which, of course, made me happy.

It's after ten, but the lights inside my mom's house were still burning bright. She was obviously up waiting for me. Feeling a tightness in my belly, I cast a look over at the Walker house, and saw that most of the windows were dark. Climbing out of the car, I opened the back door and picked Grayson up. Putting him over my shoulder, I closed the door quietly, irrationally hoping to avoid drawing any attention from the Walker house. Turning toward my mom's house, I saw her standing in the now open doorway. I carried Grayson to the house, figuring I'd just come back for our bags later.

“Welcome back,” my mom said.

“Hi, Mom,” I said, suddenly feeling a little awkward.

My mom followed me into the house, closing the door behind us, as I carried Grayson up to his room. I laid him down on the bed and took his shoes off, setting them on the floor. He murmured wordl

essly as I pulled the blankets up around him. Leaning down, I kissed him on the forehead and then backed out of the room, closing the door behind me softly. Treading back downstairs quietly, I found my mom sitting in the living room, obviously waiting for me. I dropped down onto the loveseat that sat across from the sofa. She gave me a warm smile, though I saw a look of concern on her face.

“So, do you think you'll be staying for a little while this time?” she asked, a sad tone tinging her voice.

A soft smile touched my lips. In all of my own drama and the crap swirling around in my head, I hadn't stopped to really think about my mom. She was always so bright and upbeat that I sometimes forgot how deeply things impacted her. She'd been looking so forward to having Grayson and I back home, with her, and then because I was freaking out, I'd gone and vanished on her once again. I knew she got lonely in that big old house sometimes, but I didn't stop to think before I acted.

My mom was always so giving and caring, always putting other people's needs and wants ahead of her own, that it was easy to not stop and think about her needs and wants. It was easy to take her for granted. Something, I was ashamed to admit, I did. Quite often.

“Honestly, I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here, Mom,” I said. “I just wanted Grayson to get a chance to spend a little more time with you. And the Walker boys, of course. He's been asking about you all.”