The Better Brother

Bethany kissed the top of my head and then disappeared back inside. I stayed where I was, frozen on my parents’ back porch with my mind spinning in circles. I had a million options in front of me, a million paths I could take. But none of them felt right. The only thing I wanted to do was keep hiding. From Michael. From Joshua. From everything.

Even as I thought it, I knew I was being immature. Hiding wouldn’t solve anything. I’d spent days dodging Michael’s phone calls and ignoring my own feelings. The only thing I’d accomplished was pushing my own happiness further and further away.

I knew Bethany was right. The only thing stopping me from being with Michael was my own selfish pride. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of answering his phone calls or returning his text messages. I wanted him to feel alone and ashamed. I wanted him to feel guilty about everything he put me through.

But none of that was right. It didn’t make sense. I missed him so much that it hurt and, still, I continued to hide from him. I wasn’t just hurting Michael, I was hurting myself. As I sat outside with my blanket wrapped tightly around me, I finally caved in to my true desires.

The phone only rang twice before Michael picked up. I melted when I heard his voice slip through the phone.

“Hi,” Michael said. “I’m surprised you called.”

“I thought it was about time,” I said.

“I’m glad you did,” he said quickly. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”

We fell silent for a few minutes, just listening to each other breathe. There were so many things I wanted to say to him that I didn’t know where to begin. I opened my mouth ten times, but no words came out. Every time something popped into my head, I convinced myself it would sound stupid.

“Listen,” Michael finally said. “Julie, I’m sorry for what happened. I shouldn’t have lied—”

“I miss you.” I blurted out the words before I could stop myself. Before I even realized what I was saying, it was out there for the entire world to know.

I didn’t know if I was doing the right thing, but I didn’t care. I was done hiding and fighting with myself. I stopped thinking and let myself feel, acting only on my emotions and nothing else. All I could do was sit back and hope for the best.

Michael inhaled sharply on the other end of the phone. I wished more than anything that I could see his face at that moment. If I saw his eyes, I would know exactly what he was thinking. Instead, I just had to wait for him to speak. My heart raced the entire time.

“I miss you, too,” Michael said softly. His voice was weak. He sounded close to tears.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the cold air. The sound of Michael’s breathing was enough to comfort me. I hadn’t felt so relaxed in days.

“How was your Christmas?” I asked.

“It was…” Michael trailed off. “Eventful.”

“Oh?” I asked. “Tell me about it.”

“Well,” Michael said with a soft chuckle. “Josh came over yesterday, and that didn’t go very well.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I never meant to come between you and your brother.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Michael said. “None of this is your fault, Julie.”

“I know,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt.”

“The only thing that’s hurting me is being away from you,” Michael said. My heart skipped a beat. “Josh isn’t even on my radar right now.”

“I’m sorry for avoiding you,” I said. “I just wasn’t ready to talk yet.”

“I understand,” Michael said. “What I did was pretty unforgivable.”

“Why did you do it?” I asked. “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth that day in the café?”

Michael hesitated. I could tell he was thinking how best to respond. I waited patiently, just happy to finally talk to him again.

“I didn’t know how you would react,” Michael said. “I thought you would freak out and run away.”

I laughed. “I might have. I left Dallas to escape Joshua. If I knew I’d met his brother during my first week in town, I probably would have lost it.”